When universe works in mysterious ways

I am seriously not understand, what is actually the universe trying to tell me?

When I’ve already made of my mind, okay this isnt what I want in life. Suddenly He sends me someone to guide me, and this someone makes me wonder, should I stay? 

She said she had it worst than me, and she was at the verge to send a transfer letter too, fast forward 10 years later here she is, still here, a better version of herself and the way I see her, she’s amazing, she’s at the level of a specialist. So how on Earth did she manage to go through all this shits and reborn?

Ya Allah,what is it You’re trying to tell me?

I remember months back, I prayed to Allah to place me in whichever place that is good for me,either hospital based setting or clinic based setting. Then He sent me here. Most of the days I wonder, if this is really the best for me why I have it worst? 

Most of the days I am super stress. I come back home super tired. I don’t have mood to study. 

I came to work early, but my boss still doesnt like me. 

Because of me, the morning rounds will be long. 

Making others turn up late to clinic.

All because of me. 

I am so dumb.

I do really love this field.

I love the knowledge. 

But to work in this kind of environment, I dont think I can.

That is why I want to go. 

To a better place. 

I want to try clinic based setting. 

But I really dont know when is the suitable time for me to go.

Is it right after my exam, or right after my part 1 result is out?

I thought Allah already answered me and showed me the way. 

And again today, I became confused.

What is actually He trying to tell me.

He sent me a senior, trying to reach me, and have a talk.

Ya Allah, 

Are You trying to tell me,this place that I’m currently working is the best for me and my future? And the reason why I have it tough now is so that one day I’ll become a competent and a good doctor?Is that what are You trying to show me? 

I am seriously don’t know.

I will keep on doing istikharah to ask guidance from Him.

I don’t want to make a wrong decision. 

The moment I decide to send the lettter and go, means that I will change my career pathway like forever.

So I dont want to make a rush decision based on my “current” state right now.

I need  to think through and through.

I believe He will guide me through this.

Have faith.

Have faith.

Inshallah I will figure this all out by the end of  this year. 

Allah will guide me.

He is All-Knowing, All-Seeing,All-Hearing, ar-rahman and ar-raheem.

:) 

Have faith

Doubts.  

I have never thought at this point of time in my life I would have doubts in my career pathway.  

I’m  in dilemma,  at the junction of 2  roads, should I stay, or should  I go? 

All this time,I thought this is what I want in life, turns out I want something more flexible, I want more time with my family, I want work-life balance, and  I think I am not capable to continuously being in this field. 

I don’t have a  hawk’s eyes, nor I have a lion’s heart and though I’m a woman, I don’t have a lady’s hand. 

Exam is in 2 weeks from  now. I’m going to  sit on exam since I’ve already paid for  it, it isnt cheap I tell you. Once exam finished, I’m going to send the letter of transfer to my HOD.

Inshallah this is the best for me, and I know Allah will ease my way. 

He listens to every duas that I have made.   

He knows  my sufferings.

He knows I’m at my limits already. 

He knows how tired  I am. 

He knows.

He is  the all-knowing.

And I have faith, He will ease everything for  me.

And I wont stop praying.

I’m not afraid because I know He will always be with me.   

Inshallah inshallah inshallah, going out from this department is the best for me, my family, my life. 

Please ease my way ya Allah. 

Please soften the hearts of the people that will process my transfer so that they’ll put me to the best place according to Your knowledge. 

Please soften the heart of  my HOD so that he would easily let  me go and  sign the transfer letter.  

Because You hold the hearts of people.   

I know Allah will help me,I have faith. 

Because He is Ar-rahman and Ar-rahim.

He is All-hearing and All-seeing.

I have faith. 

I have faith.

I remember one of my friends told  me, Allah ialah seperti sangkaan hamba-NYA, jadi bersangka baiklah pada Allah. Bila kita yakin dengan doa kita, kita letak sepenuh keyakinan pada doa tu, pada Allah, inshallah Allah akan makbulkan. Yang penting kena yakin.

Ini ialah apa yang terbaik buat saya.  

Inshallah. 

:)