final professional exam 4.0: the day I become a doctor

Alhamdulliah, dah habis medical school. Dah jadi doktor dah pun since dua minggu yang lepas. Boleh bayang lagi momen dean panggil nama sorang-sorang with Dr. in front of each names, telling we have passed the exam & have become a doctor. Unfortunately out of 144 students, 5 of our friends didnt make it, have to undergo supplementary for 6 months and resit final professional exam in February next year. Failing an exam in medschool doesnt mean youre stupid, the exam itself is cross sectional. Case yang orang dapat lain-lain.

Macam aku itu hari semuanya rezeki. Alhamdulliah dapat long case nephrotic syndrome, dalam melayunya buah pinggang bocor in which pagi before exam tu, ada sorang kawan tanya how to manage nephrotic syndrome, and i showed her step by step. Sampai turn long case, tarik je langsir patient tu, hmm patient paeds and active gila. Tanya parent dia, encik anak sakit apa ya? Nephrotic syndrome jawabnya. Allah, nikmat mana lagi nak aku dustakan? Alhamdulliah everything went well from clerking sampailah present case and sesi menjawab soalan examiners. 

Short cases: uterine fibroid, bronchiectasis and lipoma. To be honest my short cases were worse compared to long case. Tapi alhamdulliah Allah kurniakan patient yang cooperative and examiner yang lembut hati. Rezeki orang lain-lain. Ada yang dapat case susah Chromosome 10, epigastric mass yang daripada cerita dorang sampai ke sudah tak dapat diagnosis, thyroid examination in paeds, ada yang dapat cranial examination in paeds. Susah bagi aku, maybe senang bagi mereka. Susah nak cakap exam in medschool ni. Lagi-lagi bila kita berdepan dengan manusia ni. 

Yang bagi lembut hati semua tu Allah. Knowledge pun bacalah macam mana pun kalau Allah nak bagi lupa, memang blank teruk waktu exam. Sebab tulah kebergantungan pada Allah kena sangat kuat. Bukan masa exam je. Dah jadi doktor pun nanti. Siapa je yang boleh mampu kita ingat semua management waktu patient datang dekat emergency dengan nak kena buat semua benda pantas, dan cekap kalau bukan Allah? And failing in exam doesnt mean kebergantungan pada Allah tu kurang, it means Allah nak uji. And He knows orang tu boleh handle ujian tu. Yang pass pun ujian juga. Allah nak tengok bila kita senang kita ingat dia tak. 

Alhamdulliah I have passed 5 years of medschool and dah jadi doktor. Sekarang tengah tunggu panggilan housemanship. Harap sangat dapat kerja dekat hospital yang terbaik, dapat staffs yang cooperative, senior doctors yang banyak membantu dan lembut hati, dan dimudahkan urusan nak merawat patients yang datang ke hospital dengan baik, diingatkan apa yang dah belajar selama di medschool di saat memerlukan. Dilindungi daripada sifat ujub, riak, takbur dan angkuh and sentiasa jadi hamba yang humble dan tak lokek dengan senyuman walaupun penat sangat. Memang setiap saat perlukan Allah. Dah habis satu-satu yang lain pula datang. Dia je yang boleh tolong.

As my medschool journey ends here, pasni boleh buat label baru: houseman life ke hospital life ke hihi. Sementara nak tunggu kerja ni, nak cari kerja sementara as guru ganti ke tapi plannya lepas balik umrah nanti bulan november ni. Sekarang nak duduk rumah je dulu kot hmmm sebab ada ke majikan yang nak bagi cuti sebab banyak sangat plan nak pegi sana sana sebelum november. So better cari kerja nantilah kottt. 

Nanti-nanti,

:) 

p/s: selamat pengantin baru pada semua yang kawin sekitar bulan ni. doakan turn ittew pulakkk hihhihihi. 

final professional exam 3.0

Final Professional Exam for MBBS is freaking tomorrow!

Semalam cabut undi untuk clinical exam: long case & short case dapat hari isnin and selasa respectively. My clinical exam will start with long case and finish with 3 short cases. Ya Allah taktaulah macam mana nak describe perasaan sekarang ni. Cuma mengharapkan Allah mudahkan semuanya & clear pass. Kalau kena panggil viva pun biarkan untuk viva distinction. Walaupun nak macam impossible je nak pass, tapi kena yakin, okay Ayuz kena yakin yang Allah akan tolong hamba-Nya yang dah berdoa dengan penuh pengharapan dan yakin. Kita dah usaha, inshallah Allah akan tolong. Allah takkan biarkan kita terkontang-kanting. Ingat janji Allah pada orang yang berdoa. Inshallah Allah mudahkan. Jangan risau. Keep praying & working hard selagi ada masa ni. Allah tengok usaha kita, Allah tahu apa yang ada dalam hati kita, Allah tahu yang kita sangat-sangat desperate nak pass and graduate by this year juga. Kena yakin Ayuz.

Inshallah by next two weeks scrolling down this post, dah jadi Dr dah masatu.
Inshallah.

current status

2 days and 2 nights before final professional exam.
Taktaulah macam mana nak describe perasaan sekarang ni.
Cuma mampu berdoa je Allah mudahkan semuanya.

My daily mantra sekarang,
"sikit je lagi"

May Allah ease everything.
And semoga my beloved batch, Kaizen (17th batch MBBS IIUM) 100% pass in one go.
Inshallah.

final professional exam 2.0

Final Professional Exam is freaking next week!

Macam tak percaya dah nak habis medical school inshallah. Memang berdoa sangat Allah beri kemudahan waktu exam nanti, ditenangkan hati, dilapangkan dada, mudah menjawab setiap satu soalan teori, dapat patients yang cooperative, examiners yang lembut hati, dan dimudahkan urusan untuk menjawab soalan examiners dengan tenang dan betul, dan ingat apa yang dah belajar di saat memerlukan. Ya Allah, Allah jelah tahu macam mana perasaan aku sekarang ni. Banyak sangat tak cover lagi. Sekarang ni cuma mampu berdoa apa yang aku dah baca yang tulah masuk exam, dan diberikan petunjuk untuk baca tajuk-tajuk yang akan masuk exam nanti. 

Semoga kami satu batch 100% pass final professional exam in one go. Tak boleh bayangkan kalau ada salah seorang yang tercicir. Semua orang nak pass. Takde seorang pun nak fail. Orang-orang yang dah pernah rasa fail macam aku, lagilah trauma. Bukan senang nak bangkit balik daripada gagal. Susah. Hari-hari minta dengan Allah bagi kekuatan. Aku rasa failnya aku masa medical posting itu ialah turning point bagi aku. Selama ni takdelah nak bergantung sangat pun pada Allah, doa pun cincai tiba-tiba je dah habis. Tak faham sangat pun konsep rezeki. Bila dah fail haritu, barulah sedar semuanya yang hidup kita ni macam mana pun perlu berpaksi pada Allah. Bila kita dekat Dia lagi dekat. Bila kita jauh, jauhlah Dia. Lainlah perspektif aku tentang hidup lepas aku fail haritu. Hidup ni kalau kita bergantung pada usaha kita sahaja memang takkan rasa cukup, rasa tak tenang, risau, tapi kalau kita letakkan pergantungan kita pada Allah, disamping usaha yang selari, inshallah rezeki tu mencurah datang lagi kalau kita yakin Allah tolong, Allah ada sentiasa ada, Dia dengar, Dia nampak, dan kita percaya Allah takkan kecewakan kita.

Sekarang dah nampak hikmah fail itu hari. Lagi satu konsep syukur. Tak pernah fail sebelum ni, daripada first year sampailah ke final year berderet pass sampai syukur tu dah tak sepenuh hati. Dia rasa macam okay pass so what? Next time mesti pass punyalah. Sekali Allah jentik bagi fail sikit terus terduduk meraung macam apa. Teruk aku nanges haritu. Sampai mak & abah risau sangat takut aku buat benda yang tak elok. Lepas fail haritu, baru nampak semuanya. Bila kita bersyukur, Allah akan bagi lebih lagi. Oh dan aku lepastu lebih kerap call parents minta doa. Sebelum tu jarang sangat. Seminggu sekali dua minta doakan pun sebelum nak exam je. Lepas fail tu tiap kali call  mesti akan minta doakan. Call nenek & atuk pun makin kerap. Kadang kita lupa doa parents & orang yang sayang kita nilah yang buat urusan kita mudah. Kalau tengok usaha je tak cukup weh. Banyak faktor lain yang menyebabkan seseorang tu berjaya selain usaha semata. Kuasa doa tu dan rahmat Allah lagi power daripada usaha semata. Semuanya kena seiringlah. 

Aku memang desperate gila nak pass final professional exam and graduate tahun ni juga. Cukuplah sekali haritu rasa peritnya fail tu macam mana, cukuplah sekali tu keceweakan mak,. abah, nenek &atuk. Aku percaya Allah akan tolong. Dia takkan biarkan hambaNYA sedih lama-lama. Bila kita minta, kita mohon dengan penuh pengharapan dan percaya, Dia takkan kecewakan kita. Allah itu ialah seperti apa yang kita sangka. Jadi bersangka baiklah. Inshallah. Aku dah mampu bersyukur Allah failkan aku haritu, tegur aku, supaya aku dekat dengan Dia, berharap dengan Dia. Jadi bila aku dah dekat, dah bergantung dan berharap pada Dia, aku yakin dan percaya inshallah Dia takkan kecewakan.

Final Professional Exam

5 years journey of medschool is coming to the end inshallah. Only Allah knows how anxious am I right now knowing the final professional exam is next month. Yes freaking next month!!! How scary is that. Banyak benda dah terbayang. So much worrisome. Everyone is fighting their own battle. Semua orang tengah work hard, semua orang takut, semua orang nak graduate on time August tahun ni juga. Same goes to me. The fact that I had failed medical posting itu hari double the fear. This is my last chance to be eligible for final professional exam. Inshallah inshallah pass. Sekarang ni cuma Allah je boleh tolong. Tak bolehlah nak describe macam mana perasaan sekarang ni. Kadang duduk senyap-senyap rasa nak nanges, nanges juga. I know semua yang dah pernah fail sekali mesti nak yang terbaik and pass final posting ni, juga final professional exam. I'm not alone. Alhamdulliah orang sekeliling pun bagi semangat. In need of positive vibes and segala macam kata-kata semangat sekarang ni. Any negative vibes sorry tak layan. 

The only thing that can save me during exam is Him of course and ilmu-ilmu daripada first year. Ya Allah scary gila. Tapi tulah dulu sebelum first professional exam, ingat lagi Mr Arif ada cakap, buat apa kita duk fikir perkara yang dah lepas or risaukan benda yang akan datang. Yang dah lepas, lepaslah. Yang akan datang ni, semua depends on harini. So kalau kita buat baik-baik, kerja keras, usaha sehabis baik, inshallah, Allah izinkan untuk kita dapat kejayaan di masa depan. Tak payah duk takut, risau. Just wasting your timelah. Baiklah masatu digunakan untuk susun strategi work really hard for the future. Selain usaha, kena doa banyak-banyak. Inshallah Allah tolong. Allah takkan biarkan hamba-Nya seorang diri. Kena percaya. 

"As long as you pray, you knock the door of Allah. And whoever knocks the door of Allah, He will open it"

Walaupun deep inside still ada risau, takut, inshallah inshallah semuanya akan dimudahkan. 

Ameen.  

#46daystillfinalprofessionalexam 

#keepstrong

fast forward 5 months

Hi. 

It's been a while.

The reason why I didn't bother to blog for a long period is because I was trying to recover from my failure. The thing is I failed my third posting, internal medicine. For 5 years in medical school I never ever failed in any postings or blocks. This was my first time. My mom said I always get what I want that's why I at lost, I cried so bad, till I couldn't utter any words out of my mouth. My parents were terrified as if I'm going to do something worst. I guess I've already move on. Before, I always said that I'm so much comfortable with myself, I'm in comfort zone, I always passed no matter how playful I was, how not serious I was with the postings, I didn't study much, I loved sleeping and wasting my time. After my failure, I was too afraid to fail another posting, I got two more after internal medicine which are paediatrics and o&g. Fail another one, I have to repeat a year while my friends already graduated and being a doctor. I'm so not gonna make that happen. So what happened after that? 

I changed. I studied hard than before. I made notes. I participated well in class. I pray a lot. I've mentioned in my previous posts how my dependence toward God was lacking. Not anymore. I sought strength, patience, and guidance from Him. I know to Him can I only rely on. When no one can help you, it's 1-1 between you and your Creator. I cried in my prayer. I was lost. Few days back, deputy dean called me to his office pertaining to this issue. He asked me how do I feel now? I'm glad that I failed Prof. If not I'll still be in my comfort zone. "But only once". Yes Prof, only once, no more after this. Inshallah with His help, I'm going to sit on final professional exam this July and graduate as a medical doctor in August 2018. Inshallah. I will work harder in my final posting, o&g which will begin in May. I had my exam last Monday & Tuesday. Truth be told, I never felt at ease like that. God helps me a lot. He ease everything. I think that was the smoothest clinical exam I ever had. Inshallah I will continue my hard work and seeking Him like I'm doing now. I crossed into my friend's instastory and it's really touched my heart, 

"When it's bad, pray, when it's good, pray"

Allah. I think I'm an ungrateful creation. For all the things He have done, I hmmm :( I would like to thank to all people who are there when I needed the most. Less than 3 months left for final professional exam, and 50 days + for end of o&g exam, it is my ultimate wish to pass it all and graduate together as a medical doctor with my fellow comrades this coming August. 

Whoever reading this post, please pray for me.

May Allah bless you guys.

Ameen. 

2017

What are the things that you have achieved/ done in 2017? Hmm flashback mood on:

Let's turn on the music first, 

In January, I did specialized posting, if not mistaken dermatology and orl-hns. I needed to go to dermatology clinic like every single day for 2 weeks except Friday. I learnt things from books and clinic, I got to see severe psoriasis involving the scalp, hands, legs, back and abdomen, ichthyosis vulgaris, a condition in which the skin looks like fish's skin when the skin doesnt shed off the dead skin cells, leprosy, wartz, and other cases that I thought I only can see them in the book. During orl-hns, I guess I really enjoyed this posting so much. I loved the environment in this department. At that moment, I think of being an orl-hns surgeon sounded cool too. Well, that is what happen when I feel belong and attach to the department's environment. 

Born in February makes me a February baby. In early February, after orl-hns, I then did ophthalmology followed by anesthesiology. Ophthalmology was the killer among all postings in specialized posting. I did so bad in exam. Seriously. And I think I didnt enjoy that posting so much. Because of the environment I guess. And the topics were quite difficult. Plus my one fault for not revising religiously. Anesthesiology, hmmm like other postings that I enjoyed, I did wanted to become an anesthesiologist once. My birthday falls at the end of the month. This year was different that previous years, because Shahrin's mother did sent me birthday wishes kbai.

Moving to March, I had my exam, then went to Hospital Melaka for forensic posting for a week. This was not my first time seeing cadaver's body being dissected one by one. My first experience was during my third year, when I was in paediatrics posting. While waiting for occupational therapy patient, as I heard announcement "white code" my friends and I ran to the morgue. And since there was no houseman around, we got to assist the doctor dissecting the body. For the first time ever, I got to touch a human's brain. In Melaka, we got to see few forensic cases. Apart from that, the doctors also taught us about suicidal, homicidal, abuse, rape and drown cases, how wound of different characters looked like, and how to estimate the duration from the actual time of death from maggots. 

Okay right after I finished with forensics posting, I flew to Seoul, South Korea. It was my first time being there, and second time being abroad. It was early spring so the flowers were not blooming yet. It was really cold. I bet if we go there in January I wont able to go out because of the coldness. I cannot stand too much cold. What I missed the most, of course the weather, though it was cold, I like it because my make up stayed still till the evening and my skin looked brighter, not oily and hmm the korean food, its wayyyy different from Seoul Garden especially the kimchi. I would like to be here again one day. 

My April begins with Family Medicine posting. I was posted to Klinik Kesihatan Balok. Again, at that moment, I wanted to become a family medicine specialist. I heard that the passing rate of family medicine is quite low. Out of 10 candidates, usually only 4 passed. Whoever passed within 4 years at the first try consider lucky/genius. Seriously. To become a family medicine specialist, one should know at least everything of everything. Sounds complicated. Absolutely. I ended my April with seeing Shahrin after 6 months didnt see each other hihi. God I missed him so much. 

Then came May. In May I had my last posting as a 4th year medical student which is Community Medicine. In this posting, we needed to carry out a mini research within 5 weeks, hmm its more realistic to call it survey rather than research I think. Hmm I already forgot the topic, but we proposed quite few topics before finally being approved by our supervisor. To thank the participants we did hold an event where there were talk on obesity, health screening and sukaneka for the kids. Ha the most memorable thing in this posting is that we were posted to Jerantut for 3 days followed by Kampung Bantal for 2 days. We need to cross Sungai Pahang to go to Kampung Bantal, about 1-2 hours journey by boat. Like a child who never sees the stream, we did main air, simbah menyimbah antara satu sama lain hahahaha. 

Whats happened in June? Hmm exam, puasa, and raya. Ha as I passed my last posting which is Community Medicine, I then did elective posting, a requirement to get into final year of medical school for 6 weeks from July till August. My team completed a book for vascular surgery. Nothing much to be told throughout the posting since I just did my job, staying in mahallah, sometimes went out for air. 

Finally, at the end of August, I began my final year with surgical posting. I already wrote on my surgical journey thought its not much, in my previous post. Not going to repeat that. I DID GET TESTICULAR CANCER FOR MY LONG CASE!!! The case that Ive never clerked before. Luckily the examiner gave me 51/55. Thank you Dr,even I gave you such a rubbish answers. 8 weeks in surgical posting, ended in October. During interposting holiday, we went to Cameron Highlands, it was my first time and gonna be my last time too. Looks good in picture but hmm too crowded with people and biasa je kot. Kbai. But I like the weather hihi.

In November, I was posted to psychiatry posting. At the first place, I never knew that I would fall in love in psychiatry. And again, I wanted to be a psychiatrist. This is my current ambition for now, though it was quite confusing at the beginning. I didnt know how to stop talkative patient from keep on talking and how to make a quite patient speaks. 

The posting was just ended a week ago, in December. I got the exam's result yesterday. Alhamdulliah I passed. But I'm quite sad because I didnt managed to get distinction. I'm quite confident with this posting actually, but turned out I did bad in my exam. For long case, I got panic disorder with agoraphobia, clinic cases that I'm not so familiar with. My mistake for not clerking clinic cases frequently. Too much focus on ward cases like schizophrenia, bipolar disorder and also major depressive disorder. I hope I do well in the next posting which is internal medicine. 

So good bye 2017 for good. 

I'm really looking forward for 2018 because good things are about to happen. 

With that,

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE! 

I WISH YOU ALL A SMOOTH SAILING JOURNEY IN 2018! 

new chapter begins

Alhamdulliah I passed my surgical exam. Currently I'm doing psychiatry. First week in psychiatry was confusing. Serius tak tipu. Pening kepala clerk patient psychiatry. Tanya satu soalan panjang jawapan sampai taktau nak letak kat mana dalam timeline. Kalau sebelum ni clerk senang nak dapat jawapan yang kita mahu daripada patient. But not in psy. Lain kita nak kekadang lain yang dia jawab. Doesnt mean its not important. Its very important. Kena pandai tanya, kena pandai observe patient. Setakat ni baru dapat clerk patient schizophrenia, and major depressive disorder. Haritu masa session dengan mentor kat klinik jumpa patient yang ada panic attack. Though its quite confusing, ada banyak benda dalam DSM-V yang nak kena hadam, I think its interesting too and this posting gonna be one of the postings that I really enjoy and miss the most. K dah ada rasa nak jadi psychiatrist pula :p Everytime masuk posting baru tukar cita-cita lol. I think I'm gonna like this posting very much.

As previous posting got 5 distinction students, Dr challenge us to do better. Nak distinction juga, tak pernah sekali pun sepanjang medschool. Nak distinction kenalah word hard mana boleh omong kosong je. I really really hope for a smooth sailing journey throughout this posting and semoga impian nak distinction tercapai dalam posting ni ameen.

Till then,
:)

surgical posting

I just finished my surgical posting last week. It ended better than third year kot in terms of ward works, studying and also exams. So hopefully, I pass even exam dapat case susah which is testicular cancer. To be frank, kalau baca betul-betul tak susah pun. Sadly, as I didnt expect testicular cancer to be in long case, I didnt read details on it, baca sekali lalu sekali dapat. Serve you rightlah. Padahal Mr. I dah bagitau awal-awal kalau ada dekat ward, masuk exam. Salah sendiri tak baca betul-betul. Itu pun baca masa tengah posting, memang ingat-ingat lupa. 

My prayers came true. Nak patients yang baik tak banyak karenah, dapat. Nak lecturers baik dan lembut hatinya, pun dapat. Cuma jawab soalan dengan baik tu hm part long caselah memang kelaut. Hoping for good. Harap semua yang belajar masa surgical posting ni retain sampai bila-bila sampai mati. Final professional exam in 276 days, tak lama je lagi. Masatu harapnya boleh recall balik & maybe boleh revise surgery macam baca magazine je. Lagi-lagi dekat topic yang dah berkali-kali sentuh. 

Compared dengan third year, rasa sekarang lagi senang nak faham & masuk apa yang baca tu sebab benda dah pernah encounter sebelum ni. Pastu clinical examinations lagi banyak buat, hernia, thyroid, breast, abdomen, lumps and bumps, stoma, chest tube which masa third year kekok-awkward-gila-namateyyyy. Oh yes and vascular tapi tak buat special test pun zzz. Okay even nanti dah masuk posting lagi pun, still kena datang ward surgical untuk practice clerking & short case. Kalau tak nanti lupa. Lagi-lagi dua/tiga posting sebelum final pro. Ha yang tu orthopaedic ward pun wajib pergi. Belajar dengan 4th year ha. 

Tapi banyak je seminar masa third year dulu and even fifth year ni pun tak habis baca. Masa tengah-tengah posting rasa penat sangat malam mesti tidur awal. Hm tapi rasanya kalau pandai time management habis je cover semua tu. Alasan je penat ni semua. Alasan semata okay. I really enjoyed surgical posting. Tapi obviously taknak repeat lagi, nak jumpa balik masa housemanship nanti je. So next up, is psychiatry posting. Nanti dekat dah nak naik posting baru mesti rasa nervous sebab tak pernah clerk patient psychiatry sebelum ni pun introduction 2 minggu je tak sempat nak catch up semua. Pening gila. Harapnya semua okay. Run and sail smoothly je. Inshallah.

Nanti-nanti :) 

palpitation

Clinical exam on this coming Thursday. Serious cuak namateyyyyyy. Hope for the best. Moga dapat patient yang baik tak banyak kerenah, lecturer yang lembut hatinya, dan dipermudahkan urusan untuk clerk, examine and jawab segala soalan yang ditanya. Tak kisahlah dapat case apa pun asalkan tenang hati dan lapang dada untuk jawab dengan baik. Sebab kalau harapkan case yang kita dah bebetul faham pun sekali tak dapat ataupun dah dapat tapi takboleh jawab sedih juga. Jadi baik harapkan apa-apa pun case and situation created by doctors, dapat jawab dengan baik. Mudah-mudahan.

#ayuzpasssurgicalexam 

eustress

Wow it's already October! 

Dah less than 300 days before final professional exam, and yang paling terdekat, end of surgical exam lagi seminggu lebih.

Aku sebenarnya tengah stress pasal banyak benda. Tengah cari kekuatan untuk jadikan semuani as a drive untuk terus kedepan. Hmm kadang aku fikir macam mana lecturers ni pandai main psychology ea? Sampai kekadang aku jadi makin down bila dengar. Should be not all of the things that came out of their mouth tu kita simpan di hati, itu semua sengaja je nak biar kita rasa tercabar and works harder. Mana ada orang saja-saja nak downgradekan kita. Masa yang sempit & fragile ni kita kena filter mana yang kita nak ambil mana yang kita nak tinggal. Yang tak sedap dengar tu masuk telinga kanan keluar telinga kiri jelah. Kalau sebab benda tu buat kita lebih rasa anxiety baik jangan simpan, baru nak exam first posting, ada banyak lagi exam before final professional. Ni Kak Alia yang cakap sebab aku rasa agak down jugalah dua tiga hari ni. Not healthy okay. 

There are so many things that can be done to deviate all these stress, contohnya macam cakap dengan orang, tengok comedies, pergi jalan-jalan etc. So just dont think too much. Push yourself, work harder to achieve whatever goals you aim from the very beginning. 

May Allah ease. 

the struggle is real

Rasanya sekarang akan lebih banyak lagi post meroyan sebab lagi 302 hari lagi nak final professional exam, and lagi 2 minggu nak end of surgical exam. Cuak tak cuaklah memang cuak gila namateyyyy. Sejak first week dekat surgical posting aku perasan makin lama patient makin kurang. Nak compare dengan masa 3rd year dulu, sekarang memang sikit gila. Dulu jangan cakaplah kalau kelas dengan Prof N/ Mr J/ Mr C, mesti gelabah gila nak cover bed sebab boleh dikatakan every bed ada patient. Sekarang tidak lagi. 

Kalau dulu berlambak patient inguinal hernia, thyroid mass, lumps and bumps dan juga peripheral vascular disease. Sekarang boleh kira dengan jari. Lagi-lagi hernia, kalau ada pun memang susahlah nak bagi student examine. Kecuali dekat klinik, dekat klinik senang nak examine inguinal hernia. Senang cerita dulu banyak kes yang boleh buat short case, tapi dulu tak pandai buat, tengok seniors buat, now bila dah ada ilmu nak practice, patient pula takde. 

Taktaulahhh sekarang macam terkejar-kejar dengan semua benda. Lepastu balik mesti rasa penat gila. Scarylahhh. Bila orang tanya berapa lama lagi nak habis study? Hmm lagi 10 bulan. Okayy 10 bulan lagi and belajar ni semua bukan nak guna sampai exam je tapi sampai the day i stop practicing medicine, which is tak taulah bila tu. 

Nak tidur rasa bersalah tapi kalau tak tidur ngantuk, baca masa ngantuk pun bukannya masuk. Lepastu tidur dan menyesal and the cycle keep on repeating everyday. Sedih sangat. Okaylah memang quality over quantity. Tapi rasa lagi best kalau dapat dua-dua. Nak menyesal sebab masa 3rd year dulu memain pun dah tak guna. Daripada menyesal baik sekarang usaha sehabis baik. At least takdelah menyesal 10 bulan atau mungkin paling dekat 3 minggu lagi ni ha. 

Lagipun tak guna pun takutkan masa depan, tak berlaku lagi pun. Benda yang kita takutkan tu boleh je dielakkan harini, sekarang ni. Masa depan pun jadi as a consequences of apa yang kita buat sekarang ni. Okay ayuz dah nampak dah boleh positif kat situ. Jangan nak asyik merungut je okay. Merungut dapat apa? Buang masa jelah. 

Tapi macam mana pun still nak meroyan kat blog. Kisah apa aku bukannya ada orang baca pun kahkahkah. Nanti kang asyik meroyan kat orang, orang kata apa pula. Yelah ada masanya kita down, nak meroyan gakkan. Lol. 

Tadi baru lepas meroyan dekat mak. Lepas dah puas meroyan dekat mak, meroyan dekat Shahrin pula. Ni belum lagi meroyan dekat kawan-kawan lain. Kekadang the only way to feel better is by expressing our emotion to others. Aku jaranglah simpan masalah. Sebab kalau simpan nanti lagi terfikir baik cari someone yang dipercayai dan luahkan segala yang terbuku di hati. Pastu bila dah lepaskan semua tu mesti rasa lega. Bukan nak solution pun, just nak someone untuk dengar. Ha macam tulah. 

Hmm kay ayuz dah boleh kot slow-slow buat apa yang patut.

Kbai. 

current feeling

A week before final year starts.

Current feeling: anxious 

We have been divided into 5 groups: surgical, psychiatry, medical, paediatrics and o&g. I always hoped for o&g first, because I want my last posting to be paeds. Dekat dengan final professional, inshallah lagi mudah. I'm suck in paeds. So thats whylah nak paeds last. Tapi macam dah rasa macam surgical posting je first sebab buat elective surgery kan and yes I ended up with surgical as my first posting. So my last posting gonna be o&g. Tak kisahlah mana dulu yang penting sekarang ni buat yang terbaik. 

Though I have guts that surgical would be my first, I didnt even bother to bring surgical books home but took others home. I tried reading pdf books hmm I had difficult time to concentrate. It is much easier using the real books. Kenapalah tak bawa balik. As I'm starting to be anxious and nervous, I think of going back earlier, tapi taktau bila. Perasaan sekarang ni kan macam tengah baca buku boleh rasa cuak gila sebab dah lama tak pergi hospital, dah terasa suasana dalam ward, clerking, examining, bedside teachings, dengan tips yang dapat daripada seniors tu buat aku lagi rasa cuak. Think back hmm how I passed my third year ea? Luck je kot. Omg cuaknya nak masuk final year. 339 days till final professional exams. 

I know once final year starts, time would run fast. Really fast. Yang kalau tak gunakan sebaiknya mesti akan rasa penyesalan tu, if I could turn back time.....Masa setiap orang Tuhan beri sama, tapi cukup ke tak based on how much keberkatan yang ada. Kalau Tuhan beri keberkatan waktu 3 jam study pun rasa cukup dah. I always had problems in dependency to God. I'll become more dependent when the exams are near. Allah :( 

Nak bandingkan efforts dengan miracle from God hmm tak payah bandingkan kot. But still have to work harder sebab Tuhan takkan ubah nasib seseorang kalau dia tak cuba untuk mengubahnya sendiri. I really really really hope and pray for my final year to be as smooth as silk, pass every postings and of yes of course final professional exam. Graduate on time, dapat kerja cepat and urusan-urusan selepas tu dipermudahkan. 

I wonder in 5 years time who am I, where am I, who am I with? 

still in comfort zone

Berapa lama lagi nak duduk dalam comfort zone?

Baru kena bambu sikit dah down, bila puji sikit dah rasa selesa sangat. 

Like seriously, with this kind of attitude yang cepat sangat rasa offended semua nak take so serious and easily satisfied with whatever just little achievement that you got, you hope for something big to happen? 

Life and Death

While studying vascular surgery for vascular guidebook, I realized that all this time, I didn't study for the sake of knowledge. I just want to finish everything as fast as possible, learning and memorizing for the sake of passing the exam, habis exam lupa. Even though I've learnt many things back then, I couldn't recall them. First, because there's no repetition. Second, for exams. Third, hmm maybe because kebergantungan kepada Tuhan tu kurang. Nak exam baru sibuk mencari, masa senang lupa :(

And while making this vascular guidebook, I started to feel the burden of final year medical students. Mana nak study untuk final professionalnya, untuk posting exams lagi. Back then, masa third year, whenever the lecturers asked about management, bolehlah nak cakap we didn't learn it yet, fifth year nanti Prof/Dr. And now, tak lama je lagi, I'll finally become the final year medical student who will be facing final professional exam from 27/7/2018- 3/8/2018. 360 days to go. With 5 postings overall, 8 weeks including exam week, no study week, kalau leka tu or tak start revising awal, memang cari nahaslah. 

I suddenly felt all this burden while reading the management of venous ulcers, nampak benda pelik je rasa macam hmmm do I need to know this details? Like hello, dulu masa third year bolehlah cakap macam ni, sekarang ni nak fifth year dah okay, you're going to be a doctor inshallah, kenalah tahu. If not been asked masa exams pun, still kena tahu, for the sake of knowledge, and of course for management of patients in the future. 

"You are not study to pass the test. You study to prepare for the day when you are the only thing between a patient and the grave" 

Gulp. Between life and death.

I really really need to change this kind of attitude and mindset. It should start from now masa tengah buat vascular guidebook ni lagi. I can do this! Jadikan stress tu as a drive untuk lebih semangat dan maju ke hadapan. Bukan duk merungut tak habis-habis. 

May God ease my journey throughout final year and pass final professional exam with flying colors. 

Nanti-nanti.

of medical school

Alhamdulliah I had passed year 4 of medschool. Another 1 year to go inshallah before I finally practicing as a medical doctor. I could still picture the things I had gone through since I started my journey as a medical student, even before that, 2 years in foundation centre. Total up it has been 6 years. Looking back, I just can't believe I had gone this far. Just wow. The first day of medschool, I was thinking how I am going to get through this? I couldn't even brain the medical terms. Everything seemed difficult back then. But now, no matter how hard it is, with the supports and prayers I got, I know I can get through this. Though sometimes it is so frustrating, irritating, confusing, tiring, you name it, I really have a pleasant time.

May God ease my journey to be a good and competent medical doctor.
:)

abbreviation

Day 4 of life in anaesthesiology.

Awal gila anaest ni datang. Even dah keluar seawal jam 710 pagi, sampai di hospital, siap tukar baju semua dalam jam 735 pagi, anaest dah ada lama terpacak dalam OT prepare drugs untuk surgery yang akan berlangsung. Pukul berapa mereka ni sampai ya? 

Dah 4 hari dalam anaesthesiology, dah pandailah sikit bawa diri. Tolong benda-benda kecil contohnya macam pasangkan ecg, spo2, prepare drip, masukkan branula, manual ventilation, masukkan oropharyngeal airway dan juga dilute drugs. 

Jadi semalam, ada emergency lower segment caeserian section due to fetal distress. Sebelum patient masuk, aku buat-buat rajin tolong doktor dilute drugs.

"Nak tolong ke?"
"Aah"
"Okay dik, kau ambil syringe 3cc ni kau masukkan suxamethonium (a depolarising muscle relaxant, atau nama lainnya succinylcholine), lepastu kau tulis nama dia"

 Dalam hati, syringe kecil marker kemain gedabak muat ke nak tulis penuh dengan concentrationnya lagi? Jap ada tak short form untuk drug ni, aku tanya dalam hati. 

"Hmm doktor, takde shortcut ke?"

Omg what was I just saying, shortcut? Gila memang doktor akan salah faham yang aku ni pemalas nauzubillah nak tulis nama drug tu.

"Hmm takde shortcut dik, kau tulis je"

Memang doktor dah salah faham. Matilahnakkkk bad impression dah ke aku. Pemalas sungguh budak ni. Aku dengan muka yang awkward (mana dia nampak muka aku pun, aku pakai mask) siapkan kerja aku dan cepat-cepat blah.

"Terima kasih dik"

Serius dalam kepala, tak terfikir pun short form ke abbreviation ke, boleh pula shortcut yang keluar? Ya ampun. Alah hal kecil je pun. Hihihi

So nanti, bila tiba masa aku untuk jadi houseman, antara anaesthesiology & emergency, aku maybe akan pilih anaest. Takutlah nak kerja dekat ED. Harap-harap ada banyak kekosongan nanti.

Moga Tuhan permudahkan lagi 2 minggu nak exam, lepastu ke Melaka untuk forensic posting, dan hai dae han min guk ten ten ten ten ten hihiihii :) 

no title

I used to love blogging really much, but now wow look at me, surprisingly its already two months I left this blog untouched. It is not like I don't have time to blog, and I'm not that busy medical student staying up all day long to finish reading books, that is totally not me, I wish I were, but sadly no. Feels like I have lost passion to blog, maybe? Plus I don't have much interesting stories to be told.

At this point of time, I already passed orthopaedic posting, currently in radiology posting and tonight is the last night before I'm going to sit for end of radiology posting tomorrow.  Being a radiologist is always be my dream. Although I couldnt recall the anatomy of all the structures in the body, I still consider radiology as a speciality that I want to pursue later on. 

May God ease my way throughout medschool, housemanship and mo-ship. 

Ameen.

orthobots II

Ortho is fun. But too many dramas happened in a week. Last week. Miscommunication between the lecturers. Students kena halau daripada ward. Students masuk operation theater lambat. Students tak masuk langsung operation theater. Students tak cover all patients for OT or in the wards. Dan sebagainya. And my group was the leading actors/actresses. Believe me we really go into our depressed state. Yelah posting sebelum ni jadual tu macam lantaklah tak ikut pun. I went to anywhere I wanted. Macam supposedly dekat ward, but I went to A&E to nephro cliniclah ikut suka. But in ortho, that kind of attitude is unacceptable. Schedule is made to be followed. Schedule have to be respected. 

We joined other groups teaching session, and late for OT, and some didnt come in at all. Dan ini mencetuskan kemarahan lecturer kami, and we had received the punishment. And yeay drama dah habis. Kelmarin & semalam kami cari 6 lecturers untuk minta maaf atas segala silap. Thank God Dr dah cool down. Heharap takde drama season 2. Kalau ada pun pls group lain not us lagi. Penat wei bangun pagi rasa depressed. Bangun pagi rasa tak bersemangat. Tidur tak lena. Dan sebagainya. 

But seriously Ortho is fun! Banyak gila benda belajar. I have to survived this posting! I want to graduate on time. Boleh boleh. Dulu sebelum masuk dalam medical field rasa macam hmm boleh ke nak tengok mayat tengok orang terpotong kaki, kaki ke makan dengan ulat daging, bila dah masuk eleh tak takut pun biasa je. Tengok gambar lagi scary daripada tengok dedepan. Serious talk. Bila kat depan tu siap pegang lagi teliti satu-satu. Takdelah scary pun cuma busuk sikitlah. 

:)

orthobots

Senior kata posting ortho paling tough antara yang lain sepanjang 4th year ni. Serius betul, memang penat tapi best gila. Rasa macam baru masuk medschool, on the first day of medschool kami semua terpinga-pinga dengan anatomy, terms baru, ha macam tulah perasaan masuk ortho ni sebab dah lama gila tinggalkan anatomy of limbs. Gila dulu aku hafal kot tiap satu muscle dekat limbs, siap hafal lagi selok-belok laluan urat saraf, pastu sebab dah tak pakai selama dua tahun lebih dan tak revise masuk ortho ni memang blurlah. Dari 8 pagi hingga 5 petang dekat hospital, memang balik bilik tu takyah cakaplah benda pertama memang nak tidur. Eh tapi aku memang kuat tidur pun alasan je semua tu. Kah! 

Eh dahlah seminar tak start pun lagi buat.

Setakat ni aku tak jumpa lagi case macam ni masa oncall. Ada lagi 9 kali oncall. Jumpalah nanti kan. Jadi baik aku persiapkan diri dengan ilmu bebanyak. Hari-hari perang melawan malas tau! 

Nanti-nanti :)