what happen in 2020 so far?

Cant you believe how quick this year feels like?

Ramadhan left us already and now Syawal has come, June in few more days, half way through 2020. From early this year the only thing that taking over the news and all is just Covid-19. It's Covid 19, not even Covid-20, man! You get me? Ha-ha. Now Covid 19 has already become like a norm to us. Everything wont get back to normal, the days before Covid, believe me it takes years to settle this pandemic. We will get used to it eventually. Now that MCO isnt as strict as the first time being implemented, I can see countless cars on the road, people already went out like it's nothing, we can even cross the states, provided we have a pass and a strong valid reason.

This Covid thing has robbed so much things from us, you name it. Freedom, jobs, families, well last time I went out for movie and shopping was in December. Wow that was 5 months ago! and I havent seen Shahrin for 7 months now. Miss him already. I'm glad I'm working in Muar so I get to stay with my family. Some people didnt event get to see their parents for a long time, didnt even get the chance to go back home for Raya. Some people lost their jobs, can no longer provide food on the tables, some need to face the lost of their loved ones, children can no longer get proper education from schools, big exams like SPM and STPM need to be dragged to a year ahead of unknown dates. SPM kids from the year 2019 should  have already by now get a placement in matriculation/ foundation/ A-level etc, yet they're still waiting. Gladly students from universities, colleges that had been stranded for months finally get to be sent home.

What else? Not to forget those who need to postpone their wedding ceremonies or worst case need to cancel it. The saddest part is when the MCO implemented few days before their weddings. If I were in their shoes I would cry to death. Imagine all the efforts, the preparations that they had made go wasted. Not only that, all the religious activities need to be stopped. No more congregational prayers. This Ramadhan feels so fast since there were no more solat tarawikh, no bazaar ramadhan, no solat hari raya. We cant go visiting our relatives during raya, that's our tradition.

The funny part is, this is the year we have been waiting since our childhood, while singing Wawasan 2020, we wondered how 2020 feels like, we imagined there are flying cars as in futuristic movies. Heck no. Other than this Covid thingy, minimum salary for fresh grads still 1.2k, houses getting expensive, doctors that are previously considered as critical jobs now are no longer critical, from permanent position changed to contract, just because I was born in 1993 makes me stuck in this kind of situation. You see, people born 2-3 years before me get to secure a permanent position in goverment no matter how suck they are at doing jobs, while us born later no more permanent dey. Last time they said, if you maintain good attitude, and excellent CCP and if you pass a paper, you would secure a permanent placement. Now, in your dreams. No more! Even already finishing housemaship still UD 41, last time after 2 years of housemanship directly straight away to UD 44 with a raised, now the salary is even lesser than house officer.

Sometimes, I wonder why I were not born in 1990? If so, I would be a permanent medical officer by now. But then, I might not meet Shahrin. Meeting him is one of the greatest blessings. Hopefully we can have a proper wedding ceremony next year or else we just do a simple solemnization with our small families. I'm still hoping for miracles to happen. Just please let us have a proper wedding so that we can invite our big families and friends. It's a celebration of course you wanted to bring joy to others. Well good food makes people happy!

I think it's not too late to wish Selamat Hari Raya people! This year is my first year celebrating raya as a doctor. First raya in hospital, I worked on the first and second raya, so I brought raya food to work. First time giving duit raya to family members, it's kind of hm what we call it, I feel happy when I see them happy. Thought can meet Shahrin and his family this raya like the last time, but Allah knows best. Hoping for a better tomorrow.

#fightcovid #kitajagakita

Me and my colleagues at work on second Raya 

late night thoughts

While others already started their revision, I am still struggling to finish my clerking notes as I am supposed to submit my logbook by tomorrow. This is the price that I should pay for procrastinating until the end. I shall sit on my last examination for third year a week from now. A year had passed. Should I be more wiser and matured than before. As a third year medical student, I am expected to know how to diagnose and rule out differential diagnosis. To be frank, I only knew few things,and it is my fault to always keep the questions till the very end in which later unanswered. Seemed like I had lost enthusiasm to learn. I don't understand myself anymore. I don't even know whats my heart wants. Taught that medicine is not my thing. So shall I quit?

Empathy

"Why the patient reluctant to be clerked?"
"..........."
"Why the patient doesn't want to disclose their social history?"
".........."
"Why?"
".........."
"Because you don't have empathy towards the patient. Because you are selfish. You don't think the patient as a whole. You are just interested in their diseases. You don't have interest in them. If I were the patient, I would do the same. I would be reluctant to give you information regarding my condition. I don't want to be clerked by you. You can be doctor, but not a good doctor. You see doctors nowadays, some of them posting about the patients on social networking. You think its good? You shouldn't reveal your patients to public. They have put their trust on you. If they were your close relatives, wouldn't you be mad if some other doctors disclose their information to the public? Wouldn't you be mad when they are just treating the disease but not the patient?"
"..(a punch on my face).."

Those are some advice from Prof N, a consultant surgeon, during bedside teaching yesterday morning.

OK,

-I should correct they way of approaching patients.
-Every time I come into the ward I suppose to pray silently for the patient's health.
-I should not interest in their disease only, that's so selfish. Wouldn't it hurt when someone begins the conversation by asking,

"datang sebab apa pakcik/makcik/uncle/auntie/puan/encik/adik?"

-Next, every time I walk into the ward, I should speak silently in the heart may Allah bless me for all day long, and granted me endless & unforgettable knowledge so that I can apply it in the future when I'm practicing as a physician.

Sure medicine is a lifelong journey that requires a lot of sacrifice, it wont never be easy, but I wont regret it, I have choose this path, I wont look back, I should enjoy every bit moment of it. I just have to work harder and harder.

Oh Allah, ease my way.

Study Week

Tengok meja yang berselerak dengan alat tulis dan buku-buku nampak macam kuat je study padahal ya tohan attention span aku bapak sekejap gila namateyyyyyy. Dua jam study dengan tekunnya (yalah tekun aku tak tengok phone pun masa study kecuali ada perkataan terms dan benda-benda yang memerlukan aku menggoogle, ha) lepastu terdistract sikit je terus landing dengan gembiranya macam takde exam je kan minggu depan ya ampun apa ni jadi ni.

Musim study week ialah musim dimana banyak gila benda yang aku nak buat, nak makan dan nak pergi. Selain study week takde pulak nak mengidam makan itu ini. Masuk study week kalau boleh tiap hari nak keluar cari makan. Aiyoo.

Paling mengidam sekarang nak makan pisang goreng/ sukun cicah sambal kicap. Mana nak cari dekat Kuantan ni? Sobs. Nak balikkkkkkkkkkkkkk! Tapi apakan daya mak kata jangan balik, duduk diam-diam dekat Kuantan study! Nanti balik kerja tidur, tengok tv tak study. Hmm kat sini pun sama mak. Tapi kalau kat rumah lagi teruklah. Macam manalah aku boleh study untuk first professional exam kat rumah dulu? Hmm mysterious sekali. Tunggu final professional nanti, ada berani ke tak nak study dekat rumah. Haa.

Study week juga ialah masa dimana aku banyak berfikir tentang masa depan. Eii betul ke ni nak jadi dokter? Betul ke ni? Lepastu rasa macam nak quit medschool nak kahwin. K tipu je. Gila kau nak quit medschool macam tu je. I love being in medschool. I love learning medicine. Tiap hari belajar benda baru. Sama ada daripada buku, lecturer, kawan, mahupun patients. I love talking to patients! Rasa macam hmm betul ke still nak jadi radiologist ni? Bila dah masuk o&g ni rasa jatuh cinta kepada obstetrics. Tapi tak gynae. Berat sebelah sungguh. Memang, gynae aku bapak teruk gila. Mana tak teruk pemalas nak clerk patient gyne. Okay, esok kita clerk satu patient gynae. Ada 50% possibility untuk dapat case gynae masa exam. Tau tak?! Eii.

Shahrin kata,
"Pelik awak ni amik medik, bukan patutnya busy ke, tapi ada banyak masa ya fikir pasal "kita"?"

Hmm tulah, aku pun pelik.
Bukan patutnya masa aku banyak habis ke buku dan hospital ke?
Hmm.

Okay dah boleh stop buat benda yang lagha and get back to your books!
Nanti-nanti :)

So hi 2016

I think it is not too late for new year wishes.

May 2016 brings a lot of joy to us and may us all achieve whatever we want in life.

So, cheers man!

I'm turning 23 this year.

Oh God I'm getting older. I need to act like an adult and stop being childish. More positive and mature this year. 

I have another two weeks left before study weeks begins and I still have lots of procedure unchecked. I didn't have a chance yet to observe hysterectomy, manual placenta removal, paps smear and colposcopy. Talking to my friend, Dayah this afternoon about how Malaysian women nowadays tried so hard to become white, skinny and pretty by consuming supplements that they don't even aware of the ingredients being used. I'm not saying that all this products are bad. Hmm well technically maybe yes? It is not right to see people becoming fair and fairer within a month of consuming certain products. More worse within two weeks the effects already showing. What if the ingredients contain hormones like estrogen? Yes hormones makes you pretty. Makes your skin becomes flawless. But too much hormones destroy you. You might get estrogen dependent diseases like endometriosis, adenomyosis or worse endometrial cancer. People wont care until they finally suffered. Good for future medical students, they get to see hysterectomy daily. I am being sarcastic right now. 

I think most of the products act to block the production of melanin. Melanin is a pigment that gives us the color of the hair, skin and eyes. It is a black pigmentation. We need melanin for protection against UV damage. Please read more on melanin. Albino a type of disease that lack of melanin production. You see how white they are. They cant even go out to see the sun like us. They have to wear so much protection before going out. I'm afraid this products will later make you suffer from skin cancer. At this young reproductive age you wont get it. Wait till you menopause. Women are bless by God with hormones that protect us all from many kind of diseases. But it only works throughout the reproductive age. That is why it is hard to see young people with chronic diseases. Take care of your health since now. Don't wait until you become old. 

Do some research before buying cheap products that claim you can get prettier by consuming it for weeks. I am not saying expensive products is good. Don't get me wrong. Consult a dermatologist or trusted skincare consultant first. I don't understand why people tend to believe fake doctor than a real doctor. They just want your money. They don't ever bother what's gonna happen to you later. 

Hmm being a dermatologist sounds great ha. 

2016 is the 5th year being together with Shahrin yeay!

May God cherish us with happiness now and forever.

At this point of time, I just want to finish my studies on time and get a job.

I just want us to be happy, together.

Till then.
:)

I am so fucked up

I am not okay.

I am seriously not okay :(

I am so messed up. 

Last two months someone broke into my car and today I lost my iPhone. It happened really fast. The incident happened in the bus station as I was going to buy ticket for upcoming holiday. I planned to be home by next Wednesday. I parked my car at the roadside and walked to the station with my friend, Farah. It just a 2-3 minutes walk . I remembered clearly that I carried the phone with me. As we walked to the station, I remember there was no other people walked behind or beside us. It was just us. Reaching the station, I suddenly realized that the phone wasnt with me. It was weird. Because I hold it with my hands. Seriously man. If the phone falls on the ground I would noticed it. It was not the first time it falls. There was no such thing as kena pukau or what. We didnt talk to any strangers. 

I was being positive "Oh maybe I didnt bring the phone at the first place. Maybe it stills in the car. Okay we'll find out later. To the counter first" 

I bought the ticket and a dark chocolate drink with oreo topping, went back to the car. We searched through the car and it was not there! I didnt put the phone into silent mode so I asked Farah to call my phone. No sounds heard. The call was connected but no answer. Of course the culprit wont answer it! We tried searching from the way we came to the station. It was not there. We asked Akak that parked the car behind mine if there is any signs of people coming near my car when I was at the station, and she said no! Then Farah called Kak Syu asking for help thru the apps of find my iPhone. And taraaa! my phone was moving away from me.

I didnt know what to do. It was precious to me. I cant imagine this morning was the last time I saw it forever. Hmm. So what did I do? Make a police report? Of course not, tell me what can they do? I did nothing except crying. Such a lil brat I am. Kak Syu turned the phone into the lost mode so that the one that stole it cannot get access to it unless s/he knows the password of mine. Of course s/he need to call me first for the password. Do you think they have courage to call me? Of course not. So it means that the iPhone that they just stole is nothing without me. Apple is way good in terms of security. Even if they send it to the Apple store, do you think it can be recovered? Without my apple id and the password of course not!

Yes I am happy to know that they can do nothing with my phone. And yes I am sad too because that phone was very precious to me, it have some sentimental value that even I buy the new one it is not the same. It wont be the same ever :(

If hope they find their way to God.
Till then.

Babble babble and babble

Aku sebenarnya nak siapkan seminar harini. Cadangnya nak hantar ke supervisor esok tapinya dah tercuri masa tengok movie pastu alang-alang dah terbukak blogger ni apalagikan. Rindu kot nak ketuk keyboard ni kuat-kuat. Haaa kau amik ni amik!

Kereta aku kena pecah dua hari lepas. Aku tingalkan kereta tak sampai setengah jam pun tau tak. Balik-balik tengok cermin tingkap belah kiri penumpang belakang dah lopong macamtu. Aku pergi pasar malam. Park kereta dekat jalan tepi sebelah rumah orang tu. Kereta tu aku takdelah letak belakang sekali dah takdelah depan sekali. Kira macam just nice ah tengah-tengah kereta lain. Masatu dalam pukul 7 empat puluh lebih dalam pukul 8 suku camtulah aku balik ke kereta. Nasib berlima tau kalau sensorang entah benda lain pula jadi. Masa nak kereta tu aku dah pelik dah tengok orang sebelah kereta aku dah mundar-mandir pintu kereta biar terbukak tapi duduk luar pastu sibuk cakap dekat telefon. Belakang kereta aku ada van buruk. Aku syak orang tu buat dajjal dekat kereta aku. Sukati je kan asal van buruk je ingat orang tu jahat. Yelah aku rasa macam tu pasal apahallah depa duduk dalam van dengan lampu tak bukak pun lampu dalam je kot bukak entah tak ingatlah. Aku memang dah tak sedap hatilah. Apa lagi cecepat masuk kereta. Time tulah tertiba kawan aku gelabah cermin tingkap pecah. Aku lagilah gelabah. Kereta aku kottt kena pecah. 

Terus gerak pergi balai polis buat report. Tapi apa jelah polis boleh buat selain ronda kawasan tu je. Insurance pun tak cover tingkap. Last-last pakai duit sendiri juga betulkan tingkap. Dah siap dah pun semalam. Dah siap kena bebel dengan mak pak sekali. Biasalah dah buat salah walaupun bukan beg aku yang letak dekat seat belakang tu tapi sebab kereta aku akulah yang kena marah. Sobs :( Masatu rasa alangkah indahnya kalau dah ada suami bolehlah mintak suami yang tolong settlekan. Tapinya suaminya nggak ada lagi dong. Aku kan independent woman kenalah buat semuanya sendiri. Perempuan kuat kot ni. Ceh. Padahal call Shahrin dah meleleh dah. Kalau Tanjung Malim tu sebelah Kuantan je memamg kita paksa awak datang haaa! Nasib baik jauhhh. 

Jumaat depan ni ada IIMP (islamic input in medical practice) kena lakonkan case study. Kitorang tak buat live play kitorang pilih untuk record. So semalam lepas hantar kereta ke workshop pergilah record video. Aku asalnya watak aku medical student je sebab yang patut jadi specialist tu tak datang aku pun amiklah watak tu. Specialist garang. Kakakakaka. Dengan muka aku yang garang ni plus sukati je nak cakap apa yang aku nak cakap sesuailah tu kot untuk watak specialist merangkap HOD (head of department). Aku ni memang jenis yang dingin lagi bengis sikit. Eceh. Tak ni serius. Pastu suka cakap apa yang ada dekat kepala otak takde nak tapis-tapis dulu. Haihh. Tapi kalau bebetul kenal aku ni manja sebenarnya hihihihi sebab tu Shahrin cair. Kbai. Balik pada video tadi aku sendiri rasa malu nak tengok muka sendiri. Dahlah tak cantik dari tepi. Eii confident boleh takkk. Nak cantik macam mana lagi. Cantik dah tu. Blergghhhh.

Rabu lepas buat short case dengan Dr Taufiq. Pasal cerebral palsy (CP). Aku buat short case tang CNS (sistem saraf) examination. Adik tu ada hyperreflexia, hypertonia, power dia grade 3 pastu ada positive babinski sign. Upper motor neuron lesion. CP dia jenis spastic cp. Pastu dokter tanya what other type of cp apart from spastic, aku sukati je main taram cakap tonic clonic dr. GILAAAAAA! Nampak sangat kebodohannya nak kemalasannya di situ. Tonic clonic tu type of seizures (sawan). Memang kena dekat situ jugak. Dah ada dah seminar pasal CP tu tapi aku tak concentrate pastu main taramm je sukati je cakap tonic clonic. My God. Apaniiiiiii. 

Esoknya cuti awal muharam tu terus study pasal CP. Ada banyak classification of CP. Yang according to clinical pictures tu salah satunya spastic tulah. Other than spastic ialah dyskinesia, ataxia dengan mixed. Nilah jawapan yang patutnya aku jawab masa dokter tanya bukan tonic clonic tu. My goddddd. God saves me please :( Lagi 3 minggu je ni nak exam. Brace yourself! Save yourselflahhh!!!!! 

Macam nak doakan orang yang pecahkan kereta tu mati kena lenyek lori sampah. Tapi takbaik pulak kan. Takpelah kita doakan jelah dia insop buat keje-keje macam ni. Lagi best kalau dalam beg dia curi tu ada quran. Takpe bang boleh amik paeds protocol tu belajarlah cara-cara nak manage apa-apa penyakit kanak-kanak ea bang kot kot nanti anak abang sakit ke kan. Blergghhh.

Kbai.

Nanti-nanti :)

For D

2 weeks of elementary classes before the clinical posting starts had just ended yesterday. The first week we learnt about how to take the history, some introduction to the postings; internal medicine, surgery, paediatrics and o&g, introduction to the operation theatre, how to build rapport (therapeutic relationship between doctor & patient), universal precaution that have to be taken seriously before examining the patients and so and so. The second week was all about the physical examination. How to perform cardiovascular, respiratory, abdominal and neurological examination.

History taking is the most important part as 70 percent of diagnosis rise from it. So it should be done correctly, precisely, accurately and so and so, followed by the physical examination and then the laboratory investigation. History taking looks like it is easy to be done. First, build the rapport. Then ask the patient what brings s/he comes to the hospital (the chief complaint). Based on the complaint we proceed to the history of presenting illness, past medical history, family history, drugs history, and social history plus menstrual and gynae history (for women). Looks easy, just talking-asking and listening to the patients. But actually for a beginner like me it is way difficult. Cause the time you heard the chief complaint, you must already have some differential diagnosis in your head so that you can ask the patients questions related to the diseases that you expect the patient have. One chief complaint leads to many possible diagnosis. 

Then look for positive findings and important negative findings to exclude some differential diagnosis. My basic medical sciences is suck. I think last two years I learnt only for the sake of passing the block exams & professional exam. And I used to study last minutes, a week before the exams. So that is why during the physical examination classes when the lecturers asked why this patient has this and this, if the abnormal finding is this what is the possible diagnosis, what is the pathophysiology of the symptoms, why? how? can you explain further? I CANNOT ANSWER IT and it is so frustrating. Yes, there's certain questions that i can answer but still it pissed me off. 

Now you see, this is the result for studying just for the sake of exam. As the exam ends, the knowledge starts to disappear as well. 

I will starts my paediatric posting this coming Monday (7th Sept). So now I needdd to clear my mind. Buka buku baru. All the things I am going to learn in paeds are what I will be encountering during my practice as a doctor. Learn by heart. Read, understand, remember and apply. Learn with all my heartttt. I am going to be a doctor. I am needed by the people to treat them. I need to be excellent in my study. I need to be persistent in my study. I need to. 

"If you want to be a doctor, be a good one"

Clerk patients at least 5 patients per day. Practice physical examination on them. Study the common cases in Malaysia first followed by uncommon one. Be positive. Always. If the lecturers get angry with me (obviously there is something wrong I have done) dont be disappointed. It means that there are many things that I have to learn, dont be depressed. Do not. Always be positive. Make a study group. Study! I am going to become a doctor and I have to be a good one. Let's work hard and smart for D (distinction)! 

I can do it.

Positive!

Sure things will become more challenging in clinical years. No more spoon feed. I have to be more independent. It is not easy to become a doctor. But it is not that difficult to be the one. Many have succeeded. And now it is my turn to be one of them.

I can do this.

I will become a doctor in 3 years time!

"Have courage & be kind" 

:)

Another Random Post

Masa sekolah dulu aku suka tulis surat untuk diri sendiri. Selalunya surat tu pasal hal-hal yang berkaitan dengan future plan, do's & don't, motivational thoughts lagi-lagi bila aku down dekat nak exam ataupun rasa insecure dengan something. Entah mana tah semua surat tu pergi. Aku pun bukannya jenis orang yang pandai simpan barang. Tau-tau je dah hilang. Tau-tau je dah takde. Tak reti jaga barang orang kata. Memang. Handphone baru setahun dah berlekuk sana-sini. Orang punyalah jaga siap bumper siap tampered glass bagai.

Aah ek kadang aku rasa aku ni lagi banyak cerita pasal aku punya weakness daripada strength. Pasni kena gali cari balik ah strength aku apa. Nanti habis medschool nak interview untuk houseman kang taktahu nak cakap apa pasal weakness lagi banyak daripada strength. Tak. Sama je kot sebenarnya. Cuma aku lagi nampak kekurangan aku daripada kelebihan aku. Aku lagi nampak kelebihan orang daripada kelebihan aku. Sebab tulah insecure tak sudah. Entah ada orang lain yang nampak aku cantik, aku pandai, aku baik, aku bersinar-sinar bak bulan di malam hari yang kelam malap tanpa cahaya. Ada ke? Hahahahaha. Kbai. Tengok tu tak confident dengan diri sendiri!  Mesti ada punya. Sorang dua jadilahkan daripada takde langsung. 

Nak masuk posting paeds lagi seminggu. Cuaks gila namateyyy. Group whatsapp aku, Doctor, ada pesakit kemain rancak lagi. Pagi buta dah aktif. Aku jadi makin cuak tengok depa ni kemain rancak je discuss itu ini. Aku cakap dalam hati, kena belajar betul-betul ni. Bukannya sikit yang kau taktahu. Sikit je yang kau tahu. Nanti dah masuk posting pergilah mengedeng dekat senior dengan houseman. Cari depa! Minta tolong ajar mana yang taktahu. Sekarang bukan zaman kena suap lagi dah. Zaman kalau kau tak suap sendiri kau mati kebulur. Nak ke? Jangan nanti lepas habis medschool menyesal sebab tak competence nak jadi dokter. Nak ke macam tu? Patient datang taktahu nak diagnose sakit apa taktau nak bagi ubat apa.

Salah sekarang takpe. Susah sekarang takpe. Kena marah sekarang takpe. Menangis sekarang takpe. Jangan nanti-nanti dah jadi dokter jadi stress taknak pergi keje sebab tak reti buat itu ini. Pulunlah sekarang puas-puas. Untuk masa depan sendiri juga nanti. Okay? 

Sampai sekarang aku still dengan orang yang sama sejak 4 tahun lepas. Harapnya sampai bila-bila. Dah tak payah nak fikir negatiflah apa. Kalau memang betul dialah orangnya busy macam mana pun nanti, sama-sama juga akhirnya. Boleh nak curiga nak insecure tapi biarlah ada tempatnya. Eii focus on your studylah! Nak habiskan mbbs on time kan? Nak kawin by 25/26/27. Mana boleh repeat even a single year pun. Tak boleh! Sekarang ni belajar bebetul habiskan mbbs dalam masa 3 tahun lagi, pass interview, jadi dokter dan kawin. Minta pada Tuhan lancarkan semuanya. Tuhan tu dengar cuma diri sendiri jelah malas nak minta. Sombong benor.

Sebab sekarang dah malas nak tulis surat untuk diri sendiri. Tulis blog jelah yang termampu. Nak tengok esok-esok apa perasaan bila baca post harini. Malas nak enable comments sebab taknak orang comment pape nak orang baca je. Hahahaha kbai.

Nanti-nanti :)

A little confidence would help

Sejak jerawat aku naik balik March lepas keyakinan diri aku dah jatuh sikit demi sikit. Tambah dengan parut jerawat lama yang berlekuk lagilah buat aku jadi down gila. Hari-hari pandang cermin soal diri sendiri bila muka mahu flawless. Dah licin muka dulu sibuk cuba locak products yang kononnya boleh hilangkan lekuk-lekuk ni padan muka diri sendiri. Tengok orang lain pakai elok je kau pun pakai juga. Padanlah muka diri sendiri memang kulit kau jenis yang sama dengan depa pun kan?

Nak masuk clinical years lagi 2 minggu. Takyakin sebab muka tak flawless satu. Yang keduanya basic tak kuat. Boleh tak confident dengan diri sendiri? Sekarang ni yang penting focus on study. Dah kaya nanti pergi buka laser ke chemical peeling ke dermaabrasion ke. Takyah stress sangat pasal jerawat tu. Buat taktahu je. Takyah nak jeles sangat orang lain muka cantik pastu insecure pastu rasa down. Takyah. Sampai masanya nanti cantiklah. Have faithlah. Pastu kita nak jumpa Dr Rohani kan esok. Have faith, usaha dan be confident!

Pastu selalu senyum. Dahlah kening memang semulajadi buatkan muka nampak garang, jadi senyum!

Random Awesome

"Awak je cakap saya tak handsome"

Bila masa entah hahahaha. Tapi aku rasa aku memang jaranglah nak puji orang cantik ke handsome ke bisik dalam hati je dengar sendiri-sendiri pastu insecure. Blergghhh. Serius kadang ada satu masa aku dok scroll gambar perempuan-perempuan cantik dekat instagram pastu bisik dengan diri sendiri cantiknya dia ni semorang dah pandai nak cecantik aku ni dah dua puluh dua pun jerawat naik balik pastu tak reti nak make up sobs. Walaupun muka tak flawless tapi aku punya confident nak keluar rumah ke kedai ke bandar kepe sangat tinggi. Persetankan semuanya. Pergi kelas pun naked face habis. Tapi jauh ke lubuk hati tu insecurenya tengok orang cantik hanya Tuhan je yang tahu.

Alah kalau nak diikutkan pun memang berlambak perempuan yang lagi cantik dari kita. Kalau kita keep on comparing diri kita dengan dia tak bersyukurlah kita dengan apa yang Tuhan bagi. Mungkin dia lebih dari segi kecantikan kita lebih dari segi lain. Cantik tu pun subjektif. Cantik macam mana yang kita cari?

Takyah nak insecure sangatt boleh takkkkkkkkkk.
Lusa kita jumpa dokter pastu slow-slow belajar make up okay hahahaha.

Nanti-nanti :)

Home

Home is where my heart belong.

Konon nak study untuk pro dekat kuantan, 10 Julai baru balik rumah. Hek eleh sangat. Baru 5 Julai dah meleleh nak balik rumah. So yeah, esok gua balik rumah! Study dekat rumah adalah perkara yang susah tapi takpe berkat doa mak abah semua inshaallah dengan izin Tuhan semuanya bisa diatur. Lagipun sebab aku anak first makanya kenalah tolong-tolong mengemas semuatu. Kalau bukan aku sape lagi nak buat.


Dan harapnya raya ini dapat ketemu kamu ya dong sayang.


Jadi indon ni dah kenapa?
Blerghhhhh


Balikkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk yeah!

Betrayal

Sejak akhir-akhir ni banyak pula cerita lelaki curang. Boleh kata dekat setiap social networking penuh cerita pasal hal-hal yang berkaitan dengan lelaki curang ni buat aku jadi takut satu, yang keduanya buat aku terfikir perempuan ni takde curang ke asyik cerita pasal lelaki je?


Ah confirm ada perempuan curang. Cumanya takde nak public sangat kot. Biasa lelaki ni senyap je takde nak cerita gebang-gebang kat public bini aku buat tahi dengan aku. Perempuan je rajin nak type pepanjang canang cerita dekat satu dunia.


Ah tapi kita takde dalam kasut depa kan. Entah muat entah tidak kaki kita nak sarung kasut depa. Gedabak sangat tak muat, kecil sangat pun tak muat. Nak marahkan si perampas je tak boleh juga. Kita manalah tahu cerita sebenarnya macam mana. Tak selamanya si perampas je yang salah. Yang melayannya pun sama. Haih.


Aku terfikir apalah yang lelaki ni nak sebenarnya. Bini tak cantik sibuk cari yang lain, dah dapat bini yang cantik pun nak juga tu cari perempuan lain. Apa lagi entah yang tak cukup? Kalau bini dia jenis yang melawan tak dengar kata ke malas ke bolehlah terima dia cari yang lain, ni kalau dah sebaik-baik kejadian tu Tuhan beri dekat dia nak juga curang ni, ha pesen ni aku tak berkenan dan langsung tak faham. Apa yang dia nak sebenarnya?


Lagi aku tak faham jenis yang tak reti bersyukur dah dapat orang yang sama-sama dengan dia thru ups and downs, buat semuanya untuk dia tak memasal nak cari orang baru. Mende tah. Serius tak boleh terima lelaki yang tinggalkan bini dia sebab bini dia gemuk lepas lahirkan anak. Lepas lahirkan anak sana sini longgar pastu kedutlah apa cari yang lagi ketat dan montok. Dah tu investlah untuk bini kau hantar p tempat pelangsingan badan ke ini tidak. Kedekut. Anak yang dia lahirkan tu anak engkau juga. Bukannya reti nak hargai.


Tak payah bising bini tak cantik kalau engkau sendiri kedekut nak keluarkan duit untuk dia. Hek eleh sangat. Ingat perempuan cantik kat luar sana yang kau tergilakan tu maintenance dia tak tinggi? Heh.


Ah lelaki perempuan kalau dah curang sama je.


Yang tak boleh blahnya sailang orang punya takpe, orang sailang dia punya kemain melenting. What you give you get backlah mangkuk. Takpayah nak sedih sangatlah orang rampas engkau punya kalau kau pun sebelum ni rampas orang punya.


Pergi mampus.

About Time

"Macam kejap je dah Julai rasa macam baru je haritu masuk 2015"

"Tak sangka kan tahun depan kita dah 23 tahun" 

5 bulan je lagi wei nak 2016. 

Masa kekecik dulu kemain tak sabar nak besar. Masuk zaman sekolah rasa tak sabar nak tahu beberapa tahun dari sekarang agaknya apa jadi ya. Sekarang dah 5 tahun tinggalkan zaman sekolah. Tahun depan dah 23 tahun. Abah selalu cakap tak sangka abah ada anak 3 orang. Tak sangka abah jumpa mak pastu dapat kau orang semua. Dah besar dah semua. Rasa macam baru semalam abah dukung kau orang. Cepatnya masa berlalu. 

Sepupu yang kekecik yang dulu boleh piggyback pusing keliling rumah sekarang dah besar dah masuk sekolah menengah dah. Sekejapnya. Nanti tak lama lagi tup tap kalau Tuhan izin tau-tau je dah ada keluarga sendiri, dah ada anak-anak. Aku dah save satu nama untuk anak perempuan aku nanti. Sofea. Kalau Tuhan izin nanti-nanti.

Haritu lepas hantar Amani ke terminal, cakap dengan Azyati bayangkan empat lima tahun akan datang agaknya kita tengah buat apa ya sekarang ni? Azyati kata masatu kita mesti busy dah dekat hospital dengan kerja masing-masing, dah tak jumpa dah semorang sedihnya. Aku kata mungkin masatu kita tengah on the way nak balik kampung dengan family kita sendiri. 

Dan mungkin juga empat lima tahun lagi tu kita sendiri dalam tanah. 

Ingat gembira macam mana pun mati jangan lupa.

Oh Tuhan.

:(

DNA

Tinggal lagi 24 hari untuk ke first professional exam. Rasa cepat gila tup tap dah habis sehari. Aku tengah pulun nak habiskan DNA metabolism dan yang seangkatan dengannya ni. Dah belajar medic ni rasa banyak gila benda yang aku taktahu. Makin dalam makin lama belajar makin banyak rasa taktahunya. Dan segala structure yang ada dalam badan manusia ni aku rasa power gila. Tuhan dah jadikan kita sebaik-baik kejadian kot tapi selalu rasa tak bersyukur.


Contohlah macam bulu tu kan kita rasa macam jijik je bulu tebal sangatlah benda. Padahal dialah yang tolong kita waktu kita sejuk. Tolong tangkap haba biar badan kita jadi panas balik. Pastu tolong tapiskan segala macam benda yang tak baik untuk badan kita. Bayangkan takde bulu hidung senangnya microorganism nak masuk melalui saluran pernafasan tu. Bayangkan badan licin takde bulu langsung hilanglah satu mechanism untuk menghangatkan kita di waktu kesejukan. Bulu seciput tu pun function dia besar dah.


Dalam waktu yang singkat ni aku harap segala macam good deeds yang aku buat selama ni Tuhan permudahkan urusan aku untuk jawab exam nanti. Exam ni boleh kira penentulah dapat masuk clinical years ke tak. Hidup dan mati jugalah tu kan. Dan moga Tuhan ampunkan segala macam benda yang tak elok yang aku dah buat selama ni. Rahmat Tuhan punyalah besar semua aib kita dia tutup kita-kita je tahu apa jahat apa dosa yang kita dah buat selama ni kan.


Nanti-nanti kalau Tuhan izin dapat kawin, ada keluarga sendiri dan ada anak, aku gila-gila akan support anak aku kalau dia nak pursue study in medicine. Ah tak kisahlah course apapun, aku support juga. Tapi sampai sekarang aku paling susah nak ingat perjalanan manusia masa dalam rahim ibu tu. Yang tu lagilah miracle gila dari cuma sekecil kecil telur dengan sperm tu boleh jadi kita yang dah sebesar ni. Jadi nikmat Tuhan mana lagi yang kita dustakan?


Moga Tuhan permudahkan segala urusan kita.


Nanti-nanti :)

I Don't Want To Grow Old

Aku baru habis exam petang ni. Malam dah habis exam ni payah beno nak tidur. Kalau malam exam tu ya tohan baru baca sikit dah rasa tidur lebih enak. Gembira MCQ tak banyak keluar soalan clinical, sebab yelah aku ni basic medical sciences punya pun aku tak sempat habis baca inikan lagi nak sentuh clinical. Antara 5 papers yang ada paling uhmm sekali mestilah essay dengan short notes.

Tiap block sususan exam dia macam ni,

First day- Essay & Short Notes

Second day- OSPE 

Third day- PBQ & MCQ

First daylah paling cuak. Lepas je first day rasa ringan sikit. Tapi lepas OSPE je mesti rasa stress balik. Lepastu kena pulun untuk pbq & mcq. Mcq paling susah sebenarnya tapi sebab dia paling last so susah tak susah paper lastkan mestilah gembira gila exam dah habis. Dah tak fikir dah susah ke idok. 

Habis exam tadi tau-tau je rupanya harini atuk undergo surgery. Masa aku form 5 dulu atuk ada underwent surgery ada problem dekat usus dia. Atuk aku ni memang suka makan. Tak jaga makan. Main makan je apa yang dia suka so end up jahitan tu terbuka balik. So kadang dia sakit perutlah lepas makan muntah-muntahlah. Semalam paling teruklah. Tu yang mak bawak dia ke hospital pagi tadi. Yang pada mulanya sebelum ni dokter cuma bagi pain killer je sebab atuk dah 85 tahun. Tendency nak ada post surgical complication tu tinggi ah. Tapi yang kali ni punya memang emergency case punya ah. Aku syak peritonitis. Pastu ada herniation dekat perut tu sebab stitch dia dah terbuka. Pagi datang check petang terus operate. Sekarang atuk dekat ICU. Abah kata dah okay.

Aku tahu lepas exam tadi. Makcik aku yang rumahnya dekat dengan tempat aku belajar ni pun dah balik kampung tanpa pengetahuan aku. Macam biasa semua orang suka tak nak bagitahu aku berita sedih macam ni. Aku rasa nenek dah kenal sangat aku ni. Aku ni kalau dah risau memang keje nak terfikir je. Lagipun aku tengah exam tu yang nenek tak bagi orang lain bagitahu aku. Masa aku form 5 dulu pun sama. Tau pun daripada adik aku. Meleleh kot cakap dekat telefon menangis-nangis risaukan atuk.

Haritu aku dapat tahu nenek aku makin kurus, dengan retak tulang belakangnya dekat bahagian L4 sebab jatuh, dengan makin uzurnya, lepastu asyik takde selera makan. terus aku call nenek. Cakap dekat nenek makanlah nek takde selera pun kena makan. Tapi sebenarnya nenek memang daripada dulu pun takde selera makan.

Ah makin kita besar makin kita sibuk nak kejar cita-cita kita, orang tua kita pun makin tua :(

Nenek cakap takyah risau pasal atuk. Duduk sana belajar betul-betul. Meleleh rasa. Aku taktahulah kenapa hati aku ni tissue sangat kalau dengan nenek. Mungkin sebab nenek jaga aku dari aku masih merah lagi kot. 

Aku minta Tuhan panjangkan umur semua ahli keluarga aku dan juga kurniakan kebahagiaan dan kesenangan dalam tiap benda yang dibuat. Dan moga Tuhan permudahkan urusan aku untuk berjaya pastu bagi kebahagiaan dekat mereka semua.

Ameen.

Nanti-nanti :)

Why Medicine?

Soalan yang kerap berputar dalam fikiran tiap kali musim exam.
Siapa suruh study medic, padan muka tsk.
Takpe pelan-pelan.
Untuk ummah sejagat kan?

Paranoid

Jumaat lepas last lecture untuk second year. Sekarang dah start study week. Isnin depan exam starts. Habis hari rabu. Dan bermulalah study week untuk 1st professional exam pula. Campur pro exam ni sepanjang 2 tahun ada 17 exams yang aku kena tempuh. Dengan izin Tuhan ada rezeki dapatlah masuk clinical years September ni.

Kadang aku takut if things doesnt work the way I wanted it to be. Takut. Because future is something yang mysterious. Even sejam lepasni pun kita taktahu apa yang kita akan buat. Aku takut kalau aku tak dapat jadi apa yang aku nak. Tak dapat capai childhood dreams aku. Tak dapat bersama dengan orang yang aku nak. 

Khamis lepas aku pergi satu talk ni, lecturer aku sendiri yang bagi pasal pro exam vs ramadhan. Benda yang paling buat aku terkesan sekali ialah perihal pencuri masa. Satu, takutkan masa silam, dua takutkan masa depan. Akulah golongan yang takutkan masa depan tu. Lepastu dok fikir negative end up takde mood nak buat benda lain. Padahal sendiri tahu masa depan tu kita boleh ubah. Memang Tuhan dah aturkan semuanya. Tapi sebenarnya semua benda ni bergantung pada tindakan kita harini. Bergantung pada usaha kita sebanyak mana untuk capai apa yang kita nak tu. Kan?

Selama ni aku selalu ambil bulat-bulat apa yang orang cakap. Contoh, bila mak tanya kenapa kau tak cari calon dokter jugak, nanti kang tak sehaluan. Aku fikir okay mak nak menantu dokter. Padahal mak tak kisah pun. Mak cuma nak aku cari someone yang boleh faham profession aku nanti. Ni tak bulat-bulat terima macam tu lepastu rasa down.

Okay aku memang down sekarang ni. Rasa macam banyak gila dugaan dalam relationship ni. Masa dan juga wang ringgit. Aku selalu rasa bila ada dugaan tu macam okay ni hint yang menunjukkan mungkin kita takde jodoh. Lepastu mula fikir bukan-bukan. Paranoid sangat. Sekali lagi takutkan masa depan. Padahal we all know the holder of everything kan Tuhan. Kenapa nak takut sangat? Doalah minta yang baik-baik. 

Aku harap sangat everything gonna run smoothly. Aku tengah cakap pasal cita-cita dan juga relationship ni sebenarnya. Tipulah tak sayang dah lama macam ni. Gila apa. Just dont take the obstacles as something negative boleh tak? Lantak p lah orang kata kalau dugaan banyak ni dia bukan jodoh kita, ada orang lagi baik untuk kita bla bla bla. Boleh tak fikir obstacles tu as something positive. Bukan senang nak senang. Takkan baru ada dugaan sikit terus nak lemah. Mana boleh!

Kata nak together thru ups and downs, thru thick and thin. Mana tahu nanti ada dugaan lagi besar daripada ni, tapi sebab dah lalui obstacles yang sekarang ni, obstacles yang akan datang tu nampak mudah je untuk dilalui. Yang penting no matter what happens kita kena support each other. And accept orang tu no matter who they are. Takkan nak ubah orang lain untuk jadi apa yang kita nak. Baik cari orang yang sebiji characteristics macam apa yang kita nak. Kita sendiri nak orang terima kita apa adanya. Faham kita. 

Sekarang nak exam malas nak fikir sangat. I really really hope we are meant for each other. Memanglah jodoh tu semua dah ditetapkan Tuhan, tapi kita berhak berusaha untuk dapatkan apa yang kita nak. Usaha dulu. Dapat tak dapat itu semua kerja Tuhan. At least, nanti-nanti takdelah menyesal sebab dulu tak usaha bebetul. No regrets. 

Nanti-nanti :)

Stay Strong, Stay Gold

Aku taktahulah macam mana nak describe perasaan aku sekarang ni. Exam makin dekat. Lecture notes makin menebal. Yang setahun lepas tak habis revise lagi. Kalaulah boleh putar balik masa. Ah kalau Tuhan bagi kita power untuk putar balik masa confirm kita jadi bertambah-tambah nak procrastinate. Sikit-sikit nak menangguh. Ni Tuhan tak bagi power balik pada masa silam pun kita still tak reti nak hargai masa. Nikan nanti kalau Tuhan bagi kan?

Will Our Dreams Come True?

Semalam selamat dapat result block 3. 3 orang passed with distinction, 3 orang failed, and the rest macam aku passed. Teringin nak dapat distinction. Tapi distinction ni hanya untuk orang-orang terpilih je yang mana kuat berusaha yang mana genius yang mana otak udang yang mana super duper awesome.

Tak dapat bayangkan kalau-kalau tahun depan ada kawan-kawan yang tak dapat saing naik third year. Harapnya jumpa semorang masa clinical nanti. Harap-harap takde yang kecundang. Harap-harap masa graduate nanti semua muka-muka yang aku nampak sekarang ada dekat sebelah aku sama-sama kongsi rasa bahagia. Tinggal lagi 3 tahun lagi. 55 hari lagi sebelum first professional exam. Sekarang ni memang dah masa-masa yang critical dah. Harapnya kita semua boleh serap ilmu sebanyak mana yang boleh. Moga nanti masa jawab exam semua boleh buat. Moga nanti kita semua lulus dengan flying colors.

In 3 years time, moga-moga kita semua dapat capai impian kita untuk jadi doctor.

Till then,
:)