2017

What are the things that you have achieved/ done in 2017? Hmm flashback mood on:

Let's turn on the music first, 

In January, I did specialized posting, if not mistaken dermatology and orl-hns. I needed to go to dermatology clinic like every single day for 2 weeks except Friday. I learnt things from books and clinic, I got to see severe psoriasis involving the scalp, hands, legs, back and abdomen, ichthyosis vulgaris, a condition in which the skin looks like fish's skin when the skin doesnt shed off the dead skin cells, leprosy, wartz, and other cases that I thought I only can see them in the book. During orl-hns, I guess I really enjoyed this posting so much. I loved the environment in this department. At that moment, I think of being an orl-hns surgeon sounded cool too. Well, that is what happen when I feel belong and attach to the department's environment. 

Born in February makes me a February baby. In early February, after orl-hns, I then did ophthalmology followed by anesthesiology. Ophthalmology was the killer among all postings in specialized posting. I did so bad in exam. Seriously. And I think I didnt enjoy that posting so much. Because of the environment I guess. And the topics were quite difficult. Plus my one fault for not revising religiously. Anesthesiology, hmmm like other postings that I enjoyed, I did wanted to become an anesthesiologist once. My birthday falls at the end of the month. This year was different that previous years, because Shahrin's mother did sent me birthday wishes kbai.

Moving to March, I had my exam, then went to Hospital Melaka for forensic posting for a week. This was not my first time seeing cadaver's body being dissected one by one. My first experience was during my third year, when I was in paediatrics posting. While waiting for occupational therapy patient, as I heard announcement "white code" my friends and I ran to the morgue. And since there was no houseman around, we got to assist the doctor dissecting the body. For the first time ever, I got to touch a human's brain. In Melaka, we got to see few forensic cases. Apart from that, the doctors also taught us about suicidal, homicidal, abuse, rape and drown cases, how wound of different characters looked like, and how to estimate the duration from the actual time of death from maggots. 

Okay right after I finished with forensics posting, I flew to Seoul, South Korea. It was my first time being there, and second time being abroad. It was early spring so the flowers were not blooming yet. It was really cold. I bet if we go there in January I wont able to go out because of the coldness. I cannot stand too much cold. What I missed the most, of course the weather, though it was cold, I like it because my make up stayed still till the evening and my skin looked brighter, not oily and hmm the korean food, its wayyyy different from Seoul Garden especially the kimchi. I would like to be here again one day. 

My April begins with Family Medicine posting. I was posted to Klinik Kesihatan Balok. Again, at that moment, I wanted to become a family medicine specialist. I heard that the passing rate of family medicine is quite low. Out of 10 candidates, usually only 4 passed. Whoever passed within 4 years at the first try consider lucky/genius. Seriously. To become a family medicine specialist, one should know at least everything of everything. Sounds complicated. Absolutely. I ended my April with seeing Shahrin after 6 months didnt see each other hihi. God I missed him so much. 

Then came May. In May I had my last posting as a 4th year medical student which is Community Medicine. In this posting, we needed to carry out a mini research within 5 weeks, hmm its more realistic to call it survey rather than research I think. Hmm I already forgot the topic, but we proposed quite few topics before finally being approved by our supervisor. To thank the participants we did hold an event where there were talk on obesity, health screening and sukaneka for the kids. Ha the most memorable thing in this posting is that we were posted to Jerantut for 3 days followed by Kampung Bantal for 2 days. We need to cross Sungai Pahang to go to Kampung Bantal, about 1-2 hours journey by boat. Like a child who never sees the stream, we did main air, simbah menyimbah antara satu sama lain hahahaha. 

Whats happened in June? Hmm exam, puasa, and raya. Ha as I passed my last posting which is Community Medicine, I then did elective posting, a requirement to get into final year of medical school for 6 weeks from July till August. My team completed a book for vascular surgery. Nothing much to be told throughout the posting since I just did my job, staying in mahallah, sometimes went out for air. 

Finally, at the end of August, I began my final year with surgical posting. I already wrote on my surgical journey thought its not much, in my previous post. Not going to repeat that. I DID GET TESTICULAR CANCER FOR MY LONG CASE!!! The case that Ive never clerked before. Luckily the examiner gave me 51/55. Thank you Dr,even I gave you such a rubbish answers. 8 weeks in surgical posting, ended in October. During interposting holiday, we went to Cameron Highlands, it was my first time and gonna be my last time too. Looks good in picture but hmm too crowded with people and biasa je kot. Kbai. But I like the weather hihi.

In November, I was posted to psychiatry posting. At the first place, I never knew that I would fall in love in psychiatry. And again, I wanted to be a psychiatrist. This is my current ambition for now, though it was quite confusing at the beginning. I didnt know how to stop talkative patient from keep on talking and how to make a quite patient speaks. 

The posting was just ended a week ago, in December. I got the exam's result yesterday. Alhamdulliah I passed. But I'm quite sad because I didnt managed to get distinction. I'm quite confident with this posting actually, but turned out I did bad in my exam. For long case, I got panic disorder with agoraphobia, clinic cases that I'm not so familiar with. My mistake for not clerking clinic cases frequently. Too much focus on ward cases like schizophrenia, bipolar disorder and also major depressive disorder. I hope I do well in the next posting which is internal medicine. 

So good bye 2017 for good. 

I'm really looking forward for 2018 because good things are about to happen. 

With that,

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE! 

I WISH YOU ALL A SMOOTH SAILING JOURNEY IN 2018! 

life update?

Hello December?

2018 is approaching in half month time. How's life? Hmm okay je kot? 

Exam in 36 hours. Dah panic gila namateyy dah niii. I really really hope for passing this posting with flying colors, ameen. There's so much things Ive learnt throughout this 7 weeks and I really enjoyed psychiatry posting really much. I'm thinking of psychiatry as one of specialty that I want to pursue later. Maybe sebab environment kot. Selain minat, environment pun memainkan peranan gak. Contohnya macam posting ni, lecturers begitu dekat dengan students and the sense of belongings to ada. 

I'm looking forward for 2018 because best things are about to happen. So much wishes I have for 2018. Graduate from medschool, 60th anniversary of atuk & nenek, convocation, travelling abroad with friends, etc. May Allah ease each of it. Prof N once said whatever it is, we have to have strong faith in ourself and also our Creator. No matter how impossible it may seems, inshallah with His help it will happen. Like macam sekarang ni ada benda yang I really want it to happen by next year, takde plan pun lagi, but somehow I have faith in it. Moga Tuhan mudahkan. 

Back in Seoul. 

Rasa nak nangeslah sekarang baca tak habis-habis lagi niiii. iDie. Cant I just sleep and wake up being brilliant enough? Zzzz. 

a reflection

Rasa macam fikiran sekarang tengah preoccupied dengan banyak benda. Yang ambil space paling besar sekali of course medical school. Aku rasa lately balik-balik cakap pasal postings, exams, case presentations, balik-balik benda yang sama. K rasa dah lama gila tak really enjoy tengok movie, hangout dengan kawan semua. Tak ingat last bila. Sekarang kehidupan seharian bangun tidur, pergi hospital, clerk patients, attend classes/seminars/case presentations, balik oncall takpun tidur. And the cycle keep on going. Macam boring kan? But this is the life Ive chosen since 6 years ago. Tak pernah pun rasa menyesal. Cuma bila tiba time pms ni, ataupun tengah serabut dengan banyak hal mesti terkenang, mesti rasa macam aku ni sebenarnya layak ke tak in medical field? Macam mana boleh pass selama ni, banyak yang dah kelaut dah lupa, and then nak final professional in few months time lagi. Lagi anxious. Jadi takut dengan reality. And kadang-kadang ada hal-hal yang aku takyah concern pun atau bahasa mudahnya takyah kisah langsung, tapi aku duk fikir blerghhhh. Macam hello your concern right now is medical school okay? Nak jadi doctor by August 2018 ni. Lagi berapa bulan je lagi. 

Maybe I should keluar weekend ni enjoy myself instead of staying in mahallah. Duduk je dalam bilik bukan study sangat pun, tidur, gosip, tengok movie gaks. Aku respect gila orang yang boleh stay focus on their goals, studyyyy je. Macam tak penat langsung. I guess thats why sometimes students take illegal things to boost up their energy. You know substances abuse. As long as they can stay focus. Which is not good lah. Its real bad. Harooooooooooom. And maybe juga I should stop comparing myself with others. Boleh tak focus dekat diri sendiri je? Lantaklah dekat orang lain pun. Kenapa kena nak rasa sedih bila tengok orang lain gembira, orang lain senang? Lepastu start rasa eii tak bestnya life aku. Like seriously? Kan dah insult diri sendiri tu. Okay ni sesi reflection and muhasabah diri sendiri. I do this often, time to time bila dah start rasa macam nilah. I cannot describe the exact thing I feel right now. Susah nak explain. 

I need to keep on saying positive things to myself and thats good. Contoh macam youre so pretty. Youre so beautiful in any angle pun, dari depan, sisi or belakang. Why? Sebab my face doesnt look good from side view. So I tend to take pictures from front angle only. Nampak tak self insult kat situ? I really shouldnt do this. I always tell my family and close friends, by 30 years old I will go for laser therapy for my acne scars. 30 sebab masatu inshallah dah stable, dah ada kerjaya. Tak orang yang flawless takde scars takkan faham. I miss the time during my first year takyah pakai pape pun dekat muka sebelum pegi kelas. Sekarang kena pakai memacam sebab taknak nampak red spots, yang scars tu memang tak boleh nak buat papelah. You see benda-benda macam ni maybe nampak simple kat orang lain, macam hek eleh takyah nak risau sangat kot. Tunggu sampai kau duduk dekat tempat aku, apa rasa, kawan-kawan semua flawless, no need make up to cover up, takde lekuk, muka daripada tepi cantik je. At some points, mesti rasa insecured, low self esteem. 

Luckily this thoughts tak affect functioninglah in terms of personal, occupational and social. Takdelah sepanjang masa tiap masa nak fikir nak rasa insecure down macam ni. Certain times lah. Macam sekarang ni. Triggered lepas tengok orang cantik hahahahhahah kbai. I know the only things that can make me happy is myself. Siapa lagi? Thats why I keep on saying to myself that I'm pretty enough, I'm good enough, and many other positive words. Dahlah cantik, nak jadi doktor lagi by August 2018, pastu baik, tak selfish. Macam beauty with brain gitu. Sounds quite arrogant, tapi thats the way I keep myself from going down. Thats how I talk to my dear self. I think semorang ada their own ways to motivate themselves. Bila rasa diri tak cantik bila tengok cermin, I'll talk to myself that I'm pretty, there is still someone out that still wants me and loves me though ramai lagi yang cantik kat luar sana, because cantik is not the first priority to choose a soulmate, and of course if you already love that one person, orang kata dia hodoh pun kau rasa cantik, and I have other good qualities. 

Till then,

:) 

new chapter begins

Alhamdulliah I passed my surgical exam. Currently I'm doing psychiatry. First week in psychiatry was confusing. Serius tak tipu. Pening kepala clerk patient psychiatry. Tanya satu soalan panjang jawapan sampai taktau nak letak kat mana dalam timeline. Kalau sebelum ni clerk senang nak dapat jawapan yang kita mahu daripada patient. But not in psy. Lain kita nak kekadang lain yang dia jawab. Doesnt mean its not important. Its very important. Kena pandai tanya, kena pandai observe patient. Setakat ni baru dapat clerk patient schizophrenia, and major depressive disorder. Haritu masa session dengan mentor kat klinik jumpa patient yang ada panic attack. Though its quite confusing, ada banyak benda dalam DSM-V yang nak kena hadam, I think its interesting too and this posting gonna be one of the postings that I really enjoy and miss the most. K dah ada rasa nak jadi psychiatrist pula :p Everytime masuk posting baru tukar cita-cita lol. I think I'm gonna like this posting very much.

As previous posting got 5 distinction students, Dr challenge us to do better. Nak distinction juga, tak pernah sekali pun sepanjang medschool. Nak distinction kenalah word hard mana boleh omong kosong je. I really really hope for a smooth sailing journey throughout this posting and semoga impian nak distinction tercapai dalam posting ni ameen.

Till then,
:)

surgical posting

I just finished my surgical posting last week. It ended better than third year kot in terms of ward works, studying and also exams. So hopefully, I pass even exam dapat case susah which is testicular cancer. To be frank, kalau baca betul-betul tak susah pun. Sadly, as I didnt expect testicular cancer to be in long case, I didnt read details on it, baca sekali lalu sekali dapat. Serve you rightlah. Padahal Mr. I dah bagitau awal-awal kalau ada dekat ward, masuk exam. Salah sendiri tak baca betul-betul. Itu pun baca masa tengah posting, memang ingat-ingat lupa. 

My prayers came true. Nak patients yang baik tak banyak karenah, dapat. Nak lecturers baik dan lembut hatinya, pun dapat. Cuma jawab soalan dengan baik tu hm part long caselah memang kelaut. Hoping for good. Harap semua yang belajar masa surgical posting ni retain sampai bila-bila sampai mati. Final professional exam in 276 days, tak lama je lagi. Masatu harapnya boleh recall balik & maybe boleh revise surgery macam baca magazine je. Lagi-lagi dekat topic yang dah berkali-kali sentuh. 

Compared dengan third year, rasa sekarang lagi senang nak faham & masuk apa yang baca tu sebab benda dah pernah encounter sebelum ni. Pastu clinical examinations lagi banyak buat, hernia, thyroid, breast, abdomen, lumps and bumps, stoma, chest tube which masa third year kekok-awkward-gila-namateyyyy. Oh yes and vascular tapi tak buat special test pun zzz. Okay even nanti dah masuk posting lagi pun, still kena datang ward surgical untuk practice clerking & short case. Kalau tak nanti lupa. Lagi-lagi dua/tiga posting sebelum final pro. Ha yang tu orthopaedic ward pun wajib pergi. Belajar dengan 4th year ha. 

Tapi banyak je seminar masa third year dulu and even fifth year ni pun tak habis baca. Masa tengah-tengah posting rasa penat sangat malam mesti tidur awal. Hm tapi rasanya kalau pandai time management habis je cover semua tu. Alasan je penat ni semua. Alasan semata okay. I really enjoyed surgical posting. Tapi obviously taknak repeat lagi, nak jumpa balik masa housemanship nanti je. So next up, is psychiatry posting. Nanti dekat dah nak naik posting baru mesti rasa nervous sebab tak pernah clerk patient psychiatry sebelum ni pun introduction 2 minggu je tak sempat nak catch up semua. Pening gila. Harapnya semua okay. Run and sail smoothly je. Inshallah.

Nanti-nanti :) 

palpitation

Clinical exam on this coming Thursday. Serious cuak namateyyyyyy. Hope for the best. Moga dapat patient yang baik tak banyak kerenah, lecturer yang lembut hatinya, dan dipermudahkan urusan untuk clerk, examine and jawab segala soalan yang ditanya. Tak kisahlah dapat case apa pun asalkan tenang hati dan lapang dada untuk jawab dengan baik. Sebab kalau harapkan case yang kita dah bebetul faham pun sekali tak dapat ataupun dah dapat tapi takboleh jawab sedih juga. Jadi baik harapkan apa-apa pun case and situation created by doctors, dapat jawab dengan baik. Mudah-mudahan.

#ayuzpasssurgicalexam 

2400 days

Happy 80 monthsarry Shahrin! 

Hope for a long lasting one, inshallah :) 

p/s: I miss you 

eustress

Wow it's already October! 

Dah less than 300 days before final professional exam, and yang paling terdekat, end of surgical exam lagi seminggu lebih.

Aku sebenarnya tengah stress pasal banyak benda. Tengah cari kekuatan untuk jadikan semuani as a drive untuk terus kedepan. Hmm kadang aku fikir macam mana lecturers ni pandai main psychology ea? Sampai kekadang aku jadi makin down bila dengar. Should be not all of the things that came out of their mouth tu kita simpan di hati, itu semua sengaja je nak biar kita rasa tercabar and works harder. Mana ada orang saja-saja nak downgradekan kita. Masa yang sempit & fragile ni kita kena filter mana yang kita nak ambil mana yang kita nak tinggal. Yang tak sedap dengar tu masuk telinga kanan keluar telinga kiri jelah. Kalau sebab benda tu buat kita lebih rasa anxiety baik jangan simpan, baru nak exam first posting, ada banyak lagi exam before final professional. Ni Kak Alia yang cakap sebab aku rasa agak down jugalah dua tiga hari ni. Not healthy okay. 

There are so many things that can be done to deviate all these stress, contohnya macam cakap dengan orang, tengok comedies, pergi jalan-jalan etc. So just dont think too much. Push yourself, work harder to achieve whatever goals you aim from the very beginning. 

May Allah ease. 

the struggle is real

Rasanya sekarang akan lebih banyak lagi post meroyan sebab lagi 302 hari lagi nak final professional exam, and lagi 2 minggu nak end of surgical exam. Cuak tak cuaklah memang cuak gila namateyyyy. Sejak first week dekat surgical posting aku perasan makin lama patient makin kurang. Nak compare dengan masa 3rd year dulu, sekarang memang sikit gila. Dulu jangan cakaplah kalau kelas dengan Prof N/ Mr J/ Mr C, mesti gelabah gila nak cover bed sebab boleh dikatakan every bed ada patient. Sekarang tidak lagi. 

Kalau dulu berlambak patient inguinal hernia, thyroid mass, lumps and bumps dan juga peripheral vascular disease. Sekarang boleh kira dengan jari. Lagi-lagi hernia, kalau ada pun memang susahlah nak bagi student examine. Kecuali dekat klinik, dekat klinik senang nak examine inguinal hernia. Senang cerita dulu banyak kes yang boleh buat short case, tapi dulu tak pandai buat, tengok seniors buat, now bila dah ada ilmu nak practice, patient pula takde. 

Taktaulahhh sekarang macam terkejar-kejar dengan semua benda. Lepastu balik mesti rasa penat gila. Scarylahhh. Bila orang tanya berapa lama lagi nak habis study? Hmm lagi 10 bulan. Okayy 10 bulan lagi and belajar ni semua bukan nak guna sampai exam je tapi sampai the day i stop practicing medicine, which is tak taulah bila tu. 

Nak tidur rasa bersalah tapi kalau tak tidur ngantuk, baca masa ngantuk pun bukannya masuk. Lepastu tidur dan menyesal and the cycle keep on repeating everyday. Sedih sangat. Okaylah memang quality over quantity. Tapi rasa lagi best kalau dapat dua-dua. Nak menyesal sebab masa 3rd year dulu memain pun dah tak guna. Daripada menyesal baik sekarang usaha sehabis baik. At least takdelah menyesal 10 bulan atau mungkin paling dekat 3 minggu lagi ni ha. 

Lagipun tak guna pun takutkan masa depan, tak berlaku lagi pun. Benda yang kita takutkan tu boleh je dielakkan harini, sekarang ni. Masa depan pun jadi as a consequences of apa yang kita buat sekarang ni. Okay ayuz dah nampak dah boleh positif kat situ. Jangan nak asyik merungut je okay. Merungut dapat apa? Buang masa jelah. 

Tapi macam mana pun still nak meroyan kat blog. Kisah apa aku bukannya ada orang baca pun kahkahkah. Nanti kang asyik meroyan kat orang, orang kata apa pula. Yelah ada masanya kita down, nak meroyan gakkan. Lol. 

Tadi baru lepas meroyan dekat mak. Lepas dah puas meroyan dekat mak, meroyan dekat Shahrin pula. Ni belum lagi meroyan dekat kawan-kawan lain. Kekadang the only way to feel better is by expressing our emotion to others. Aku jaranglah simpan masalah. Sebab kalau simpan nanti lagi terfikir baik cari someone yang dipercayai dan luahkan segala yang terbuku di hati. Pastu bila dah lepaskan semua tu mesti rasa lega. Bukan nak solution pun, just nak someone untuk dengar. Ha macam tulah. 

Hmm kay ayuz dah boleh kot slow-slow buat apa yang patut.

Kbai. 

finding the perfect match

Never ends. 

Hopefully this one works wonder for me.

Pretty please. 

I'm reading some review on Cosrx, majority said it really works on them, some are not. I'm going to give this a try. I actually wanted to have Dr Belmeur from The Face Shop however just looking at the price, I literally cried. The only time I bought Dr Belmeur cleanser is when I went to Korea, the price is bit cheaper compared to here. Thus, if I buy the whole set it surely will cost me RM500+ which is wayyyy to expensivelah I can't afford that. 

Till then,

bye.

even with acnes, i'm pretty

Ayuz, 

You're beautiful no matter how many scars, acnes or red spots you got with or without make up. You don't need others to tell you how pretty you are or how good you look with or without make up. You just need to be confident like always. And no matter what it is, you're always his favorite girl. He's with you even since before this acne, scars and red spots things came up, still with you when you're at your worst and hopefully forever. 

Yes, I'm pretty. 

:) 

the man with few words

"Nak tau tak pagi tadi masa kite pergi breakfast, tetiba datang budak lelaki comel gila kat meja kite. Semorang terpaku kejap taktau nak buatpe. Mak dia takde, ayah dia je. Comel gila namateyyyyy. Dengan shirt putih baggy pastu short pants biru, topi senget sebelah. Bad boy sangat. Pastu bila nak balik dia cakap "kakak kita balik dulu" Omg so cutelah this boy"

"Oh. Awak pergi breakfast pukul berapa tadi?"

"Pukul 8/9 macam tulahhh. Dia senyum comel ngattt"

"Oh okay"

"Eiiiii tu je response?"

"Dah tu nak tanya apa lagi, bukannya kite nampak pun budak lelaki tu. Takleh nak bayangkan"

"Blerghhh. Eleh kalau lelaki 20-an yang datang mesti banyak tanyakan. Ni sebab budak kecik"

"Taklah, kalau 20 lebih kita reply K je takde nak banyak-banyak tanya"

"Eleh tipu je K je" 

"Dengan Bye sekali" 

What an expected answer from Shahrin lol.
Kbye.

current feeling

A week before final year starts.

Current feeling: anxious 

We have been divided into 5 groups: surgical, psychiatry, medical, paediatrics and o&g. I always hoped for o&g first, because I want my last posting to be paeds. Dekat dengan final professional, inshallah lagi mudah. I'm suck in paeds. So thats whylah nak paeds last. Tapi macam dah rasa macam surgical posting je first sebab buat elective surgery kan and yes I ended up with surgical as my first posting. So my last posting gonna be o&g. Tak kisahlah mana dulu yang penting sekarang ni buat yang terbaik. 

Though I have guts that surgical would be my first, I didnt even bother to bring surgical books home but took others home. I tried reading pdf books hmm I had difficult time to concentrate. It is much easier using the real books. Kenapalah tak bawa balik. As I'm starting to be anxious and nervous, I think of going back earlier, tapi taktau bila. Perasaan sekarang ni kan macam tengah baca buku boleh rasa cuak gila sebab dah lama tak pergi hospital, dah terasa suasana dalam ward, clerking, examining, bedside teachings, dengan tips yang dapat daripada seniors tu buat aku lagi rasa cuak. Think back hmm how I passed my third year ea? Luck je kot. Omg cuaknya nak masuk final year. 339 days till final professional exams. 

I know once final year starts, time would run fast. Really fast. Yang kalau tak gunakan sebaiknya mesti akan rasa penyesalan tu, if I could turn back time.....Masa setiap orang Tuhan beri sama, tapi cukup ke tak based on how much keberkatan yang ada. Kalau Tuhan beri keberkatan waktu 3 jam study pun rasa cukup dah. I always had problems in dependency to God. I'll become more dependent when the exams are near. Allah :( 

Nak bandingkan efforts dengan miracle from God hmm tak payah bandingkan kot. But still have to work harder sebab Tuhan takkan ubah nasib seseorang kalau dia tak cuba untuk mengubahnya sendiri. I really really really hope and pray for my final year to be as smooth as silk, pass every postings and of yes of course final professional exam. Graduate on time, dapat kerja cepat and urusan-urusan selepas tu dipermudahkan. 

I wonder in 5 years time who am I, where am I, who am I with? 

still in comfort zone

Berapa lama lagi nak duduk dalam comfort zone?

Baru kena bambu sikit dah down, bila puji sikit dah rasa selesa sangat. 

Like seriously, with this kind of attitude yang cepat sangat rasa offended semua nak take so serious and easily satisfied with whatever just little achievement that you got, you hope for something big to happen? 

Life and Death

While studying vascular surgery for vascular guidebook, I realized that all this time, I didn't study for the sake of knowledge. I just want to finish everything as fast as possible, learning and memorizing for the sake of passing the exam, habis exam lupa. Even though I've learnt many things back then, I couldn't recall them. First, because there's no repetition. Second, for exams. Third, hmm maybe because kebergantungan kepada Tuhan tu kurang. Nak exam baru sibuk mencari, masa senang lupa :(

And while making this vascular guidebook, I started to feel the burden of final year medical students. Mana nak study untuk final professionalnya, untuk posting exams lagi. Back then, masa third year, whenever the lecturers asked about management, bolehlah nak cakap we didn't learn it yet, fifth year nanti Prof/Dr. And now, tak lama je lagi, I'll finally become the final year medical student who will be facing final professional exam from 27/7/2018- 3/8/2018. 360 days to go. With 5 postings overall, 8 weeks including exam week, no study week, kalau leka tu or tak start revising awal, memang cari nahaslah. 

I suddenly felt all this burden while reading the management of venous ulcers, nampak benda pelik je rasa macam hmmm do I need to know this details? Like hello, dulu masa third year bolehlah cakap macam ni, sekarang ni nak fifth year dah okay, you're going to be a doctor inshallah, kenalah tahu. If not been asked masa exams pun, still kena tahu, for the sake of knowledge, and of course for management of patients in the future. 

"You are not study to pass the test. You study to prepare for the day when you are the only thing between a patient and the grave" 

Gulp. Between life and death.

I really really need to change this kind of attitude and mindset. It should start from now masa tengah buat vascular guidebook ni lagi. I can do this! Jadikan stress tu as a drive untuk lebih semangat dan maju ke hadapan. Bukan duk merungut tak habis-habis. 

May God ease my journey throughout final year and pass final professional exam with flying colors. 

Nanti-nanti.

Halmeoni

At this age, I am grateful for still having grandparents. Both of them are over 80 years old. They have been married for 59 years. Inshallah tahun depan 60th anniversary. Jubli intan kata atuk. I've never seen couples yang dah lama macam ni. Nilah baru relationship goals/iship or whatever ship you call it lol. They're not as strong as they used to be. Nenek paling ketara. She's so weak now. I was home a couple of weeks ago. I felt lonely at home. Mak kerja, adik kerja, adik lagi satu dah sambung belajar (kalau dia ada pun still rasa macam takde), abah kebun. Nenek used to cook breakfast and lunch for us. Lepas breakfast, she'll surely ask me to bring her buying groceries. Nenek ramai kawan. Pantang jumpa kawan tak kisahlah kat kenduri kawin ke, kedai ke, pasar ke, ya tohan berjam (hiperbola) tunggu nak habis berbual. 

Okay yang ni kelakar. Kalau mak/adik/aku takde, atuk yang bawa nenek pergi kedai. Alhamdulliah at the age of 85, atuk can still drive. Adalah satu hari tu, atuk cerita dekat adik waktu tengah makan,

"Punyalah lama atuk tunggu nenek beli barang tak siap-siap. Ingat banyak sangat barang yang dia beli, rupanya sibuk berbual dengan kawan. Lama atuk tunggu"

For sure nenek ada kat situ masa atuk cerita and guess what, nenek merajuk! Berkatalah nenek pada atuk,

"Hmm esok awak jelah pergi kedai, saya tak pergi"

Hahahahaha comel je merajuk-merajuk macam ni even dah tua. Mestilah kena pujuk kan, kalau tak kenalah atuk beli barang dapur sendiri lol. 

Yes, my grandma is so cute. I love talking about nenek & atuk. I started to appreciate them more bila dah jauh ke Kuantan. To be frank, I never know what it feels like to lost someone you love cause I've never been there. I cannot imagine one day, waking up in the morning knowing that my life isn't as what it used to be. 

I felt lonely now at home sebab nenek banyak habiskan masa baring kat bilik. She couldn't stand for long time, afraid she'll stumble and fall. Her weight reduced up to 38kg. Keding sangat, bontot pun tinggal tulang je. Nenek dari dulu lagi makan tak berselera sangat. Atuk selera besar tapi dokter suruh kurangkan makanan berlemak & santan sebab cholesterol tinggi. Alhamdulliah atuk ni ikut nasihat dokter, dah within normal range dah the cholesterol level tu. We always marah nenek makan sikit sangat. Ciput sangat. Risau lah kan. Sekarang kalau teringin nak makan apa-apa, kena belajar buat sendiri. Nenek tak larat dah nak masak berdiri lama sangat kat dapur tu. 

Cuti haritu, for the first time I made pengat pisang, jemput-jemput. Memanglah simple je kan, tapi remember every family ada resepi turun-temurun (eceh). Dah 24 tahun makan masakan nenek, of course dah ada attachment kat situ. Sadly takde sorang pun anak nenek yang boleh masak macam nenek. I mean the taste is wayyyy different. Bukanlah tak sedap. Tapi bila makan tu, mestilah nak compare. Tak pekatlah, kurang rasa bla bla bla. Even my mom learns from Google hmm. So I think dah tiba masanya untuk belajar masak and adakan buku resepi rahsia masakan nenek. Imagine one day nenek dah takde, mana nak dapat rasa yang sama :( 

Bila dah besar ni baru tahu nak appreciate orang yang besarkan kita. I love to lie beside atuk & nenek. Peluk kuat-kuat and flashback. Kalau peluk atuk,suka cakap, 

"Besarlah perut atuk"

Pastu tepuk-tepuk, nanti atuk cakap

"Meletup nanti perut atuk"

There is midline abdominal surgical scars. 2 kali operate. Yang first tu tak ingat, second for peritonitis secondary to perforated peptic ulcer. Atuk ada osteoarthritis, makan NSAIDs dah lama. Hmm tapi macam pernah terbaca medical record atuk ada adhesion colic. Tak ingatlah. 

Kalau peluk nenek, suka cakap,

"Nekkkk kurus sangatlah tinggal tulang je"

Yang sedihnya bila nenek jawab itu hari,

"Nanti nenek dah takde jangan gaduh sesama adik-beradik"
"Macam manalah nanti kalau nenek takde"

Nenek tak pernah cakap macam tu. First time. I felt worried gila namateyyyy. Atuk selalu cakap. Bila tepuk-tepuk perut dia nanti atuk cakap, 

"Atuk dah nak mati. Kawan-kawan atuk semua dah tak ada" 

Hmmmmmm.

I know mati itu pasti. But I'm not ready for any lost. Siapa je yang ready kan? Just need to face it. Throwback ke ramadhan lepas. Lepas buka, lepak jap tengok cerita favorite semorang kat rumah sepanjang ramadhan haritu "Seharum Mawar". Hmm kalau tanya abah pun dia boleh cerita jalan cerita from A-Z. Serius. Semua orang tengok okay. Masatu makcu ada kat rumah dengan anak suami dia. Anak dia yang last omg takboleh makcu hilang dari pandangan nak nangis je kerja. Sikit-sikit nak nangis macam eii boleh diam tak? 

So, anak dia nangis. Aku pun apa lagi,

"Eiii asyik nangis je Ira ni. Bisinglahhhh"

Dan mereka semua mula throwback zaman aku kecik-kecik dulu. 

"Samalah kau dulu masa kecik, takleh jauh sikit dengan nenek, 3 kali panggil tak nyahut, melalak" 

Eh, kita pulak kena? Hahahaha. Nenek senyum je masa cerita tu. Tambah nenek lagi,

"Ingat masa kau berapa tahun tah, melalak dekat Giant cari nenek tak jumpa"

Hmmm tak ingatttt pun nekkkkkk. Tu belum lagi cerita aku melalak kalau lambat amik balik sekolah. Walaupun nenek tak pernah cakap, aku selalu rasa aku ada special connection dengan nenek. Yelah daripada kecik kot tinggal sekali. I can tell you for hours about nenek & atuk and I will never get tired. 

Tak semua orang dapat nikmat grandparents yang baik. Ada atuk sanggup makan cucu sendiri. Ada nenek tak mengaku cucu. Jadi, nikmat mana lagi yang kau dustakan? 

One day when I read this post, I'll surely miss nenek so much and she might not be there to hug :( Let this post be a reminder that I should be thankful to God for having them as my grandparents. 

Nanti-nanti:)

Reply 2008

Tiap kali naik kereta dengan abah, mesti dia akan dengar lagu 70/80's. Setiap kali. Tak kisahlah siapa pun yang drive, aku ke mak ke dia ke adik ke, mesti lagu lama juga yang dia nak dengar. Kalau abah tidur baru boleh tukar channel lain. Ya ampun aku dahlah tak suka sangat lagu lama. Tak enjoy langsung dengar. Macam eii apalah salahnya abah ni dengar lagu sekarang, asyik lagu lama je. Pernah je dia dengar, pastu nanti mesti complain apa ni banyak o o o pastu jerit-jerit, cuba dengar lagu lama, tenang je dengar. Hek eleh mana tah tenangnya, aku dengar hmmmm tak boleh go lah yang penting. 

Sekarang ni berlambak lagu baru keluar. Tapi tak semualah yang bebetul menusuk kalbu menikam jiwa. Ada yang boleh layan ada yang tak. Lepastu kalau tetiba radio main lagu zaman aku sekolah, amboi kemain semangat nak nyanyi, pastu mesti teringat zaman muda-muda dulu. At that moment, tetiba aku jadi faham kenapa abah nak dengar sangat lagu lama, sebab kita tend to dengar balik lagu yang kita membesar dengan. Baru-baru ni aku start buat collection lagu, aku burn letak dalam album; Awesome Mix Vol 1-3 (dah ada 3 volume). Satu aku bagi Shahrin, lagi 2 ada dengan aku. Almost semua lagu zaman sekolah dulu. Dalam album first, ada satu lagu baru, second dua, tiga takde langsung. Yang ketiga ni lagu Yuna & Hujan. Minat gila kot dulu masa sekolah. Tapi takdelah semuanya aku suka, yang jenis jerit-jerit tu memang outlah. Aku suka jenis yang slow, macam tengah cakap hahahaha. 

Masa tengah burn tu aku terberangan, nanti-nanti bila ada anak, tetiba anak terjumpa collection album aku pastu excited nak mainkan lagu yang ada dalam tu, walaupun masatu entah lagu jenis apa entah yang ada di pasaran. Aku download daripada converter youtube-mp3. Waktu cari kat youtube tu aku just wonderlah kenapa ea lagu sekarang baru keluar viewers kejap je naik beribu-riban, lagu-lagu zaman indie ni dah bertahun kat youtube pun nak dapat 500k pun payah. Oh yelah dulu zaman aku sekolah dulu bukan semua rumah ada internet, ada pun tak semua jenis yang laju. Yang connect dengan telefon tu lagilah lembap nak mampus, pakai jaring tu ha. Sekarang almost every kids dah ada smartphones sendiri, internet takyah cakaplah punyalah senang nak dapat. Kalau smartphones takde internet zaman sekarang ni kira noob betullah tu. Baik campak je baling anjing lol. K gurau. Tapi betullah apa barang guna smartphones kalau takde internet, yedak?

Aku frust gak ah masa download lagu tadi sebabnya Muda by Hujan yang aku dengar zaman sekolah dulu lirik dia lain. Dulu aku dengar "alangkah indahnya dunia jika kita semua, tak akan membesar" tapi sejak bila tah dah tukar jadi "alangkah indahnya dunia jika kita semua, melangkah ke depan". Hmm maybe sebab lirik yang first tu tak relevan kot. Yelah memang taklah kita semua stay remaja sampai bebila kan. So betullah decision diorang untuk tukar, tapi still aku frustttt. Lol. 

One of favorite songs masa sekolah dulu masa zaman-zaman indie baru nak up. Lagu ni tak pernah masuk radio rasanya. Nilah zaman shawl baru nak up gak. Waktu ni sibuk tudung yuna. Sekarang banyak pesen tudung dah ada kat pasaran. Pilihlah mana yang berkenan di hati. Kalau melayu buat cerita macam Reply series, maybe boleh buat Reply 2008. Lagu indie baru nak naik. Macam Reply 1997 pasal Sech Kies & H.O.T, Reply 1994 hmm pasal apa ek?

Tak lupa juga zaman waktu lagu Indon tengah hot gila dekat Malaysia. Ya ampun gratis bangat. Sekalilah dengan zaman indie ni. K lah bye.

Nanti-nanti :)

after all this time, i'm still into you

Few days ago while scrolling all the way down the Facebook, I found quite an interesting article talking about 21 problems only people in long distance relationships will understand. Well, if you have been reading my blog, I bet you know that I have been in a long distance relationship since 6 years ago. Yes, 6 years of ups and downs. May this is the last one. 

Among those 21 things, there are 3 things that are really related to us.

"You find reasons to argue about irrelevant things just because you miss each other"

"You misunderstand the tone of your partner even when everything is fine"

"But in the end, you always make up. Because nothing can come close to that feeling when you do meet. And this is why you are still in that long distance relationship"

Damn, too good to be true.

But first, I think I need to clarify that it is always me who pick the fight, because I am such an immature-overthinking-clingy-and-annoying girlfriend ever. I really need to change before it is too late. I had tried many times, yet never succeeded. Why did I pick the quarrel? I just don't know why. Hmm actually I had figured out recently. And hopefully my future self, when you read this later, you have overcame the issue. 

So what are the things that can bring me to initiate the fight? Most of time because the way I read his messages was different from the way he really mean it. Well you know when you write message, I think most of us did this, we don't put commas. Without it, the sentence may become misleading. Plus the tone you use to read, made it more real. And that's how the biggest fight happened in May. Why it was the biggest? Because we took almost 2 months to reconcile. We never took more than a day. 

I thought it was the end of us, but in just a blink, I don't know, God's work, somehow we made it. Thank goodness. 

Back in 2012, we had a fight.

He told me recently that at that time he was thinking of giving up, he then asked me out the day after. He came all the way from his former study place, woke up early in the morning to rent a car, then got into the train, to come to me. And just like magic, the moment he saw me, the feelings of letting go gone like ashes. So I think the hypothesis; kalau gaduh kena jumpa depan-depan baru tau sayang taknak lepaskan, is accepted. It has been proven. We met a week ago, the feeling was still the same. I can feel it when I looked into his eyes. The way he looked at me, the way he talked to me, were all the same. Like the old days. After all the fights, we are still into each other.

May he's the one.

"At this moment of time, I just want us to be happy, together"

of medical school

Alhamdulliah I had passed year 4 of medschool. Another 1 year to go inshallah before I finally practicing as a medical doctor. I could still picture the things I had gone through since I started my journey as a medical student, even before that, 2 years in foundation centre. Total up it has been 6 years. Looking back, I just can't believe I had gone this far. Just wow. The first day of medschool, I was thinking how I am going to get through this? I couldn't even brain the medical terms. Everything seemed difficult back then. But now, no matter how hard it is, with the supports and prayers I got, I know I can get through this. Though sometimes it is so frustrating, irritating, confusing, tiring, you name it, I really have a pleasant time.

May God ease my journey to be a good and competent medical doctor.
:)

I miss Seoul already

What I do miss the most about Seoul is its weather & also the scenery.
I wish I could turn back time and stay there for a longer period.

  

abbreviation

Day 4 of life in anaesthesiology.

Awal gila anaest ni datang. Even dah keluar seawal jam 710 pagi, sampai di hospital, siap tukar baju semua dalam jam 735 pagi, anaest dah ada lama terpacak dalam OT prepare drugs untuk surgery yang akan berlangsung. Pukul berapa mereka ni sampai ya? 

Dah 4 hari dalam anaesthesiology, dah pandailah sikit bawa diri. Tolong benda-benda kecil contohnya macam pasangkan ecg, spo2, prepare drip, masukkan branula, manual ventilation, masukkan oropharyngeal airway dan juga dilute drugs. 

Jadi semalam, ada emergency lower segment caeserian section due to fetal distress. Sebelum patient masuk, aku buat-buat rajin tolong doktor dilute drugs.

"Nak tolong ke?"
"Aah"
"Okay dik, kau ambil syringe 3cc ni kau masukkan suxamethonium (a depolarising muscle relaxant, atau nama lainnya succinylcholine), lepastu kau tulis nama dia"

 Dalam hati, syringe kecil marker kemain gedabak muat ke nak tulis penuh dengan concentrationnya lagi? Jap ada tak short form untuk drug ni, aku tanya dalam hati. 

"Hmm doktor, takde shortcut ke?"

Omg what was I just saying, shortcut? Gila memang doktor akan salah faham yang aku ni pemalas nauzubillah nak tulis nama drug tu.

"Hmm takde shortcut dik, kau tulis je"

Memang doktor dah salah faham. Matilahnakkkk bad impression dah ke aku. Pemalas sungguh budak ni. Aku dengan muka yang awkward (mana dia nampak muka aku pun, aku pakai mask) siapkan kerja aku dan cepat-cepat blah.

"Terima kasih dik"

Serius dalam kepala, tak terfikir pun short form ke abbreviation ke, boleh pula shortcut yang keluar? Ya ampun. Alah hal kecil je pun. Hihihi

So nanti, bila tiba masa aku untuk jadi houseman, antara anaesthesiology & emergency, aku maybe akan pilih anaest. Takutlah nak kerja dekat ED. Harap-harap ada banyak kekosongan nanti.

Moga Tuhan permudahkan lagi 2 minggu nak exam, lepastu ke Melaka untuk forensic posting, dan hai dae han min guk ten ten ten ten ten hihiihii :) 

momma

I hope for every pain that mom endure for me, for every sacrifice she made for me, for every ringgit she wasted for me, for every sweats, for  every sleepless night worrying about me, for everything, may Allah grants her the highest place in heaven.

I love you mom.

Love, 

Your first born.

6 years and counting

"Awak rasa tahun depan ada "kita" lagi tak?"
"Mestilah ada"
"Tahun-tahun akan datang?"
"Ada juga"
"Kalau takde?"
"Inshallah ada"

...............

Hi dear self,

If you dont study now, you wont get the job, or you might get the job but you'll be the rotten eggs, you'll put patient in danger, after 2-4 years of contract you will be terminated.

Life is getting harder. Years before we're being told that doctors are secured job. Not anymore. There are too much rotten eggs up up there, on the higher hierarchy but the government couldnt do nothing, then they came out with the solution of contract workers during housemanship & 2 years of mo-ship. And we are the one who's being affected by the rotten eggs. 

So dont add up more rotten eggs, because this time you will be expelled straight away.

may God bless

Perasaan bila sakit hati yang kau pendam dah lama menggunung, tapi kau tak mampu nak luahkan pada pihak yang terlibat sebab kau tahu kau takkan menang, perit gila. Balik-balik yang tua kena beralah, yang muda ni pentingkan diri betul ya? Inilah bila semua benda nak dapat, mana tahu konsep syukur. Manja. Minta je dapat. Aku dulu payah betul nak dapat satu-satu barang. Keputusan baik baru berani minta. Kalau teruk memang tak berani nak minta. Takut nak hadap parents kalau result exam tak bagus. Yang muda sekarang ni senang je kan, result dahlah tak bagus mana, budi bahasa pun kelaut, macam tu pun minta je, mesti dapat, itu pun tak sedar diuntung. Penatlah pendam perasaan ni. Kang tak pasal-pasal kena label pendengki. Hmm. Sikit pun tak dengki. 

Tahlah patutnya makin besar makin menyenangkan. Tak faham kurang ajar macam itu pun disayang-sayang lagi. Ajarlah sikit. Kalau aku yang ajar memanglah tak jalan. Bukan aku pemberi. Aku pun penerima. Kau rasa penerima nak dengar kata si penerima yang lain? Kalau dengan pemberi pun boleh buat sewenangnya inikan yang sama pangkat? Geramnya ya Tuhan. Kenapa mesti hadir orang macam ni? Sedih rasa :( 

Kadang-kadang rasa tak nak ambil tahu langsung, bahagian aku jangan diusik, dah cukup. Tapi sebab kau tak fikir orang lain, bahagian orang lain turut terkesan, kau ada fikir pasal aku? Tak ada bukan? Kau ada rasa hormat? Pun tak ada. Kadang-kadang aku harap Tuhan seksa kau biar kau nampak pengorbanan orang-orang disekeliling kau. Jangan lupa tangan yang memberi. Malang sekali, kau buta. Hati kau mati. Kalau nanti satu hari nanti, Tuhan tarik pemberi-pemberi ini, kau pernah fikir macam mana kau akan hidup? Aku yakin sekali pun tak pernah. Malah kau rasa bebas jika mereka nyah dari sini. Kau fikir kau dah besar? Hmm.

Moga Tuhan beri kesedaran pada kau. 

dear you

I suppose to finish up my dermatology case write up, but then suddenly your name popped up into my phone, making my mind started to play the movie starring with you and me. You looked so good beside me, dont you know that?

Hi love, i miss you.