a reflection

Rasa macam fikiran sekarang tengah preoccupied dengan banyak benda. Yang ambil space paling besar sekali of course medical school. Aku rasa lately balik-balik cakap pasal postings, exams, case presentations, balik-balik benda yang sama. K rasa dah lama gila tak really enjoy tengok movie, hangout dengan kawan semua. Tak ingat last bila. Sekarang kehidupan seharian bangun tidur, pergi hospital, clerk patients, attend classes/seminars/case presentations, balik oncall takpun tidur. And the cycle keep on going. Macam boring kan? But this is the life Ive chosen since 6 years ago. Tak pernah pun rasa menyesal. Cuma bila tiba time pms ni, ataupun tengah serabut dengan banyak hal mesti terkenang, mesti rasa macam aku ni sebenarnya layak ke tak in medical field? Macam mana boleh pass selama ni, banyak yang dah kelaut dah lupa, and then nak final professional in few months time lagi. Lagi anxious. Jadi takut dengan reality. And kadang-kadang ada hal-hal yang aku takyah concern pun atau bahasa mudahnya takyah kisah langsung, tapi aku duk fikir blerghhhh. Macam hello your concern right now is medical school okay? Nak jadi doctor by August 2018 ni. Lagi berapa bulan je lagi. 

Maybe I should keluar weekend ni enjoy myself instead of staying in mahallah. Duduk je dalam bilik bukan study sangat pun, tidur, gosip, tengok movie gaks. Aku respect gila orang yang boleh stay focus on their goals, studyyyy je. Macam tak penat langsung. I guess thats why sometimes students take illegal things to boost up their energy. You know substances abuse. As long as they can stay focus. Which is not good lah. Its real bad. Harooooooooooom. And maybe juga I should stop comparing myself with others. Boleh tak focus dekat diri sendiri je? Lantaklah dekat orang lain pun. Kenapa kena nak rasa sedih bila tengok orang lain gembira, orang lain senang? Lepastu start rasa eii tak bestnya life aku. Like seriously? Kan dah insult diri sendiri tu. Okay ni sesi reflection and muhasabah diri sendiri. I do this often, time to time bila dah start rasa macam nilah. I cannot describe the exact thing I feel right now. Susah nak explain. 

I need to keep on saying positive things to myself and thats good. Contoh macam youre so pretty. Youre so beautiful in any angle pun, dari depan, sisi or belakang. Why? Sebab my face doesnt look good from side view. So I tend to take pictures from front angle only. Nampak tak self insult kat situ? I really shouldnt do this. I always tell my family and close friends, by 30 years old I will go for laser therapy for my acne scars. 30 sebab masatu inshallah dah stable, dah ada kerjaya. Tak orang yang flawless takde scars takkan faham. I miss the time during my first year takyah pakai pape pun dekat muka sebelum pegi kelas. Sekarang kena pakai memacam sebab taknak nampak red spots, yang scars tu memang tak boleh nak buat papelah. You see benda-benda macam ni maybe nampak simple kat orang lain, macam hek eleh takyah nak risau sangat kot. Tunggu sampai kau duduk dekat tempat aku, apa rasa, kawan-kawan semua flawless, no need make up to cover up, takde lekuk, muka daripada tepi cantik je. At some points, mesti rasa insecured, low self esteem. 

Luckily this thoughts tak affect functioninglah in terms of personal, occupational and social. Takdelah sepanjang masa tiap masa nak fikir nak rasa insecure down macam ni. Certain times lah. Macam sekarang ni. Triggered lepas tengok orang cantik hahahahhahah kbai. I know the only things that can make me happy is myself. Siapa lagi? Thats why I keep on saying to myself that I'm pretty enough, I'm good enough, and many other positive words. Dahlah cantik, nak jadi doktor lagi by August 2018, pastu baik, tak selfish. Macam beauty with brain gitu. Sounds quite arrogant, tapi thats the way I keep myself from going down. Thats how I talk to my dear self. I think semorang ada their own ways to motivate themselves. Bila rasa diri tak cantik bila tengok cermin, I'll talk to myself that I'm pretty, there is still someone out that still wants me and loves me though ramai lagi yang cantik kat luar sana, because cantik is not the first priority to choose a soulmate, and of course if you already love that one person, orang kata dia hodoh pun kau rasa cantik, and I have other good qualities. 

Till then,

:) 

new chapter begins

Alhamdulliah I passed my surgical exam. Currently I'm doing psychiatry. First week in psychiatry was confusing. Serius tak tipu. Pening kepala clerk patient psychiatry. Tanya satu soalan panjang jawapan sampai taktau nak letak kat mana dalam timeline. Kalau sebelum ni clerk senang nak dapat jawapan yang kita mahu daripada patient. But not in psy. Lain kita nak kekadang lain yang dia jawab. Doesnt mean its not important. Its very important. Kena pandai tanya, kena pandai observe patient. Setakat ni baru dapat clerk patient schizophrenia, and major depressive disorder. Haritu masa session dengan mentor kat klinik jumpa patient yang ada panic attack. Though its quite confusing, ada banyak benda dalam DSM-V yang nak kena hadam, I think its interesting too and this posting gonna be one of the postings that I really enjoy and miss the most. K dah ada rasa nak jadi psychiatrist pula :p Everytime masuk posting baru tukar cita-cita lol. I think I'm gonna like this posting very much.

As previous posting got 5 distinction students, Dr challenge us to do better. Nak distinction juga, tak pernah sekali pun sepanjang medschool. Nak distinction kenalah word hard mana boleh omong kosong je. I really really hope for a smooth sailing journey throughout this posting and semoga impian nak distinction tercapai dalam posting ni ameen.

Till then,
:)