My Pregnancy Journey So Far

My husband and I dated for 10 years before we finally tied the knot on my 28th birthday. I always thought getting pregnant is as easier as having sex. You have sex today and 9 months later pop! A baby! It was until I got married I knew that oh getting pregnant is not easy as you wish. If Allah says no, it isnt your time yet, hence no. No matter how frequent you done it, if He said no, then NO. 

It was December 2 years ago when we decided to go for fertility test. For me, they ran hormonal test and hysterosalphingography. As for my husband, seminal fluid analysis. The results turned to be normal but why cant we get pregnant? We started on fertility procedure in Jan 23. We had undergone timed sexual intercourse with clomid, gonadal F and also IUI. All ended up in failure. Dont ask me how many time I cried. 

Every single time when I got my menses.

I cried on my husband’s arms of course. He’s always there to comfort me. Never did we lose hope. We believed that it is not our time yet to become parents. Allah knows best. He will give us our little angel when the right time comes. We just need to keep praying and improving ourselves to become a better person for our little ones. 

We planned for 2nd IUI in December 23, but then I got permanent placement and transferred back to Semenanjung Malaysia. We thought like hmmm it’s ok maybe Allah has better plans for us. 

Interestingly, 1 week after I transferred to Semenanjung Malaysia, UPT positive! I was shocked. It was Sunday morning. Ive missed menses for 9 days, half of my heart said dont you ever dare to do UPT, what if it’s negative, your husband isnt here, who will comfort you then? The other half said just do it. I took a deep breath and just do it as the other part of the heart says. Anddddd it’s positive. Are you freaking serious?????? 

I still remember the moments perfectly. I video called my husband straight away, he just woke up from sleep. I showed the UPT. He was shocked too! I imagined if he’s with me that time, he would surely pull me into his arms. And I of course would shout for his name from the bathroom! Hahahaha. And he would wake up in shock. LOL. 

We were in disbelieve. Is it true? I did another urine pregnancy test in clinic and it was positive. I asked my friend to scan my abdomen, and pop! There’s a small intrauterine gestational sac. From my last menstrual period, I was just 5 weeks pregnant. No fetal pole seen yet. I printed the picture and again showed to my husband. It would be nice if he’s with me that time. Ahhhhh I hate distance! 

Truth be told, I was afraid. What if its a blighted ovum. But hey! I’m just 5 weeks pregnant remember? Relax. Take a deep breath. We wait another 2 weeks. While waiting just keep on praying that this is a viable pregnancy. I told myself. 

2 weeks had passed. 

I asked my senior to scan me, the sac was getting bigger but where is the baby? I couldnt see it! Where is the baby? It should be there! I’m 7 weeks pregnant now. It should be there. Again, I was terrified. What if my baby were never there at the first place? I tried to calm down, its ok maybe it’s too small that we couldnt see it yet. Its ok. Later, I contacted my other friend who works in private clinic that has a transvaginal scan machine. 

Later that afternoon, after work, I visited her clinic. She scanned me transvaginally. At first, we could not see the baby. I already cried, because I want this baby so much. We have been waiting for this baby for almost 3 years. The moment my friend push in the transvaginal probe further, we both saw a small fetus reside in the sac. Thats my baby!!! I cried again. But this time it was happy tears! I took a video for my husband. Again I thought it would be nice if my husband were here. Alhamdulliah ya Allah. Theres a baby finally in my tummy. Cant you believe that??? I’m pregnant! Finally! Alhamdulliah alhamdulliah alhamdulliah. Thank you Allah. 

The moment my pregnancy is confirmed to be viable, my morning sickness started. Hahahaha. I have food aversion. I craved for sweet things. At 7 am sharp I would feel nauseated and dizzy. I couldnt tolerate white rice, but I still take it in small amount. My mouth tasted funny. Most of the time, I vomitted back every single thing that I put down my throat. It was terrible experience hahaha. Luckily alhamdulliah, it lasted for only 1 trimester. 

As I entered 2nd trimester the morning sickness episodes gone. 

No more feeling nauseated, dizzy and vomitting. I did booking for antenatal follow up at 11 weeks. While waiting for the quickening (the earliest movement of baby) to be felt, I scanned myself once a week. Crazy isnt it? Hahahaha just to make sure my baby is safe. 

We went for detailed scan at 20w, few days before raya. Alhamdulliah our baby is growing well. The gender revealed! Its the baby that I keep on telling my husband to put inside me! Hahahaha alhamdulliah thank you Allah for this blessings.  2nd trimester is like honeymoon period! I can eat whatever I want. Alhamdulliah Allah gave me strength so that I can fast for the whole month of Ramadhan. My baby bump made it’s first appearance during raya! I look cute ok! Hahahaha. My breasts, tummy, hips and cheeks are growing well LOL. 

Alhamdulliah I’m currently in my 3rd trimester. Just 1 month+ left, we will then be seeing our baby inshallah. My husband is on the flight home. I’ll see him this evening inshallah. And tomorrow we’re gonna go for 5D scan. Hopefully our baby would show us her cute face! Yessssss we’re having baby girl! Alhamdulliah. 

At 3rd trimester, I’m now experiencing back pain, frequent urination, pubic symphysis diatesis, I feel hungry easily but I can only tolerate small meals if not I’d feel bloated haha. My baby is pushing my stomach! What else? Hmmmm I frequent pass wind also! Hahaha baby keep on pushing my gut makes mommy prott prottt. LOL. 

Inshallah 1 month+ left until we meet our baby girl.

Please pray for me. May Allah ease my labour process and the remaining of my pregnancy journey ameen inshallah. May our baby girl grow healthy, safe from any harm, sickness and evil eyes ameen inshallah. 

Back then when we were 4 years younger <3

Fast forward 4 years later, we’re gonna be mommy and daddy. 

See you in August H! 

Mommy and ayah love you :) 

A year without you

June 3rd 2023 was the day I lost my grandfather. 

It has been a year today. 

Many things had happened since then.

It still feels like yesterday I talked to him, hugged him, laughed with him, heard him talking about his childhood days, his career, the tough days during British and Japan colonisation and many more. He loved to talk. Like a lot. Most of the time, I just listened to his stories. 

Home feels different without him. 

I used to spend time in his room listen to his stories. A year has passed, I could still feel his presence. He has this chair that he used to sit, next to the dining table. I could still see him there, watching tv, smiling when we called his name. Sometimes our cat, Yulip would meowing, and climbed to sit on his lap. He would caressed him and Yulip continues meowing to get his full attention. 

A year has passed, never did we say “late grandpa” whenever we talk about him. We say grandpa as if he is still alive.

My grandpa routine started with waking up for fajr prayer before 6. He would spend his time to recite Holy Quran after each prayer. He had finished a whole Quran at least 3 times in a year. Breakfast in the morning with grandma. Watching tv next. Then got into his room. He usually did these few things: either sleeping, reading newspapers, reciting zikr; he did a lot, like a lot, gifts for his late mother and father, he told me he had recited 100 000 of 3 qul and 100 000 of other things for them. Other than that he would be doing some calculations; something to do with his saham koperasi sometimes zakat/assets. 

When it’s the time for prayer, he prayed. When it’s time for meal, he ate. Unlike my grandmother who is a picky eater, he would eat anything, never did he lose his appetite until his very last day in this dunya. The day Allah took him from us, he still ate his lunch. He loved black grapes, the one without seeds, yakult, orange juice from Twister, and ikan baung masak tempoyak. He loved baung masak tempoyak really much. He didnt mind to eat it for days. He would slurp the gravy till the very last drop. That’s how he loved baung masak tempoyak. 

I remember the time when he sent me and picked me up from school. I was a crybaby back then ha-ha, I would be crying every time he picked me up late from school. How could I not? I was the only one left outside the school compound while the rest of the pupils already went home. 20 years later, I’m still a crybaby-sometimes hahahaha. My husband called me so lol. Sometimes he would ride his bike, some other times he drove his old edition of volkswagen bettle which the other pupils would be laughing at me calling the car “kereta katak”. There were times I prayed to Allah please dont send the rain down today because I dont wanna go to school in that car! Hahahahaha. Youngsters…they just dont know how to appreciate the uniqueness of that classic car! Hahaha. I kind of miss that car now. My grandfather sold it for 11k years ago. 

A year has passed now. 

This morning my grandma asked me to put the old photos from different separate albums into one thick album. There were lots of pictures of you, grandpa. I think I like the grandpa version of you rather than the younger version of you hahahaha. You looked way cuter and cheekier in grandpa version. Your younger version makes you looked like a strict man, I dont like that! Hahahahaha. I’m glad I met the old version of you. I pray that we could see each other again in Jannah inshallah. 

Oh Allah, 

Please forgive my grandfather, raise his rank among those who are guided, expand his grave and take care of us which he leaves behind him. Ameen ameen inshallah. 

 

fast forward one year

It's been one year since I logged into this blog. 

One freaking whole year. 

Many things had happened to me in 2023. 

1. I changed my career pathway. 

From Obgyn to Family Medicine. I feel a lot better in primary care setting. Work life balance. More time for myself and family. Less stressful environment. I was at my worst when I was in Obgyn. But when I looked back, I did learnt a lot in that department, thus when I came to primary care setting, I have no problem dealing with obgyn cases. It's just like blessings in a disguise? Isnt it? 

What made me quit the pathway? The people and the environment of course. I don't want to elaborate more on that. Those in medical fraternity knows i think ha-ha. I'm doing well in Klinik Kesihatan alhamdulliah. 

I sat on MedEx an pre-entrance for specialization in Family Medicine in Nov 2023 and passed. I was called for interview for master programme in Family Medicine in Jan 2024. Initially I didnt manage to secure the place. However, last Sunday I received a called from HOD Family Medicine UKM asking whether I would like to join master programme in UKM starting in June 3rd which is next month, which for some reasons I requested to defer for one semester. Unfortunately, they wanted an immediate intake. So I guess I dont get it. 

He then offered me a position as a trainee lecturer in UKM but of course I need to thru the interview sessions and all, and if I passed the interview session, I will start my master programme next year inshallah in June 2025. I think this is one of the way Allah wants to tell me there is other way to become a Family Medicine Specialist. Who knows I can get this one. Now it's the waiting game. Waiting to be called for interview. If no news within this 4 months, means sorryyy you didnt get the job. Try again another time. 

2. I lost my beloved grandfather

It was Saturday night, 3rd of June 2023. My mother, my husband and I were doing laundry when I received the call. We were just coming back from Brunei Trip (road trip from Kuching to Brunei; to and forth). I was shocked. I wailed in tears. The sad thing is my grandfather died alone in the hospital bed. There was no one accompanied him that time. According to my sister and my grandmother, he was well the evening they saw him. He can eat. He can talk. He wasnt on oxygen supplements. He was totally fine. He was in the last cubicle which means in few more days he could go back already. No one knows that it was the last time we could see him in this dunya. 

On that night, Saturday, 3rd of June 2023, he suddenly collapsed. Asystole. The heart stopped beating. CPR was commenced. No ROSC (return of spontaneous circulation). Allah loves him more than all of us. He succumbed to death at 1036 pm. Imagine CPR was done on that fragile body. We never discussed on the DNL/DNR part (Death in Line/ Do not Resus) with the attending doctors because he was totally fine. Yeahhhh I know if he was totally fine he would not be admitted to the hospital. He was fine fine for a patient. If you looked at other patients, they were wayyyyyy sicker than him. 

I was in the laundry when I received the news. It was unbelievable. My grandfather is gone. He's gone. My beloved and funny grandfather is dead. I just cant believe it. We were still in Kuching. We needed to find the earliest flight to Johor. Alhamdulliah, there was still empty seats in the 6 am flight. Alhamdulliah Allah made the path easier for us, we able to reach home before funeral. 

I got the chance to see him for the last time. I can still remember the moment when I set my foot at home, I saw a dead body at the center of the living room. It was my lovely grandfather. He was covered in white. His face was pale. He smiled. I kissed him for the last time. I missed you so much Atuk. My last conversation with him was during Raya 2023. That was a month and half before his death. We talked about my career pathway, my dreams, his dreams to see me pregnant and having kids and many more. I was closed to him. He loved to tell me about his childhood, his early days as an adult, a father, a grandfather and many more. Allah gave me 30 years of life with him. This is the first year without him. I missed him a lot. 

Sometimes I went to visit his grave. I talked to him not sure whether he can hear it or not. I told him all the things that he had missed. I told him how much I miss our time together, how things had changed now. I wish I could turn back time and called him often. May we see each other again in Jannah inshallah. 

3. I got permanent post and transferred back to Semenanjung Malaysia 

I thought I will remain as contract medical doctor until the day my contract will be terminated. If my grandfather were here he would be happy that I finally got the permanent position. Alhamdulliah. Currently, I'm in Klinik Kesihatan in Johor, staying with my family, while my husband is still in Kuching. Probably by end of this year inshallah he would go back home for good, joining headquarters Politeknik in Putrajaya. Still PJJ but at least we're not separated by South China Sea :) 

This is also one of the reasons why I applied for the trainee lecturer position in UKM, so that I can be with my husband. I dont want to be in a LDR when he's finally here in Peninsular Malaysia of course. Wherever he goes, I'll follow. Of course I wanna be with my husband all the times. I'm a clingy wifey ha-ha. 

4. I'm pregnant 

Alhamdulliah, I'm pregnant. Can't you believe that? Remember my last post in this blog last year Jan, I prayed for a little angel. We have undergone several fertility procedures to get pregnant. Clomid induced, gonadal F induced, timed sexual intercourse, IUI, all ended up as failures. We were thinking of having a second IUI in Dec 2023 after 6 months of rest. Allah knows best. I was transferred back to Johor. LDR. How can we get pregnant if we're not living together? It would be difficult. We thought of IVF. But how to do it we're in a LDR. 

As I said, Allah knows best. 

A week after I settled down in Semenanjung, for the first time in my life, positive UPT. I was over the moon. My husband was over the moon. Everyone were happy. We have been waiting this baby for almost 3 years. Our first child. Alhamdulliah alhamdulliah alhamdulliah. What more can we say? 

I'm now 6 months pregnant, entering 3rd trimester soon. My due date will be in August 2024. 

I have experienced the morning sickness, the stretch marks, the indigestion, soon I will be experiencing the penguin walk ha-ha. Is it baby boy or baby girl? Alhamdulliah it's the baby that I keep on telling my husband over and over to put inside my belly! Ha-ha. We're having a....(secret) lol. Wait till the day baby is born. Alhamdulliah for all these blessings Ya Allah. 

Surely, He gives me the things that I want, not at the moment I want them so much, but at the time He thinks is the exact moment for me. Like this baby. After we had gone fort honeymoon, family trip to overseas with my family and his family, when we both already got the permanent position, when I already returned to Semenanjung for good so that I have family support from both sides of families, when I already in Klinik Kesihatan, less stressful environment, more time with family, of course having work life balance now, when we already went to visit many places, jalan-jalan husband and wife. Allah knows when its the right time for me. Thus He granted us the baby at the appropriate time, the suitable time for us. Alhamdulliah. 

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If I were to sum up all the things happened in 2023, it was filled with ups and downs. Like I said many things had happened to me in 2023. I have become a mature young lady, soon to be a mother, I appreciate more the things I have in my hands now, I worry less and leave everything to Allah because He knows best, I believe all my prayers will be answered, it's just a matter of time, whether now or later, or He would replace it with something even better. 

If my grandfather were here, he would be so happy that he will finally able to embrace his first great grandchild. How I wish you were here Atuk. I miss you :( No one can replace you. I will always cherish our moments together and I will tell my future kids about you from time to time. I pray that we can see each other back in Jannah. Inshallah. 

Love,

Ayuz :)