my blood is yours

"you need to take this medication for 6 months"

"okay, if its the best to heal me, i will"

I suffered from acne vulgaris. It is not that severe, but still as a woman it bothers me much. When looking myself in the mirror, this questions keep on playing,

"so when shall this scars gone?" 

"when will I be as beautiful as other girls?"

Natural remedies never did work for me. Only medications prescribed by doctors works on me. I sometimes regretted my decision past few years for trying local products. It worked as long as I depend on it, acnes flare up when I stopped.

Glad after few days taking doxycyline, tretinoin and benzoyl peroxide, my acnes began to heal. Yet still, got lots of acne scars, redness everywhere on cheeks, pitted acne scars. Oh hell no. 

"i need to take your blood for liver function test, renal profile, lipid profile and full blood count, in case within 2 months these meds dont work on you, then we need to change to more powerful meds which is isotretinoin, ever heard of it?"

"kind of vitamin A, right doctor? why do i need to withdraw my blood then?"

"yes. i would like to see your liver and kidney function plus cholesterol level before administrating the med as it can cause increase level of cholesterol, have some effects on kidney and liver plus if youre pregnant, you cant take it since it is teratogenic"

I hope I dont need to take isotretinoin. Please God, save me from all this shits. I'm tired of being sad every time I look into myself on the mirror. For the scars, I will go for chemical peeling or maybe this one product I found on the internet, Dermagist Acne Scars Fading Cream, have to buy it online since it doent release in Malaysia, but need to consult doctor first, afraid if it doesnt work, as it costs a lot of money. I'm sick of wasting money for things that doesnt help in healing my skin. 

Just yesterday, I realized one thing, oh God I cannot donate my blood for 6 months since I will be consuming doxycline for a course of 6 months. I have goals in life. And one of them is to donate as much blood as I can before 68 years old. I am thinking of donating my heart and eyes when I die too. Well I am a big sinner. I made sins everyday. I guess my giving my blood, heart and eyes to people in need it will help me in the hereafter, inshallah. God has gave me a lot, for 23 years, I should be grateful for whatever I have now. 

I'm actually a lil bit sad. No blood donation for 6 months means 700cc blood will be wasted. I am a universal donor. People need my blood for living. As long as my blood flows in their vessels, for every good deed that they did, inshallah I get some part of it. Now imagine donating the heart and the eyes. Mashallah. May God ease me in reaching my goals. 

Till then.

:)

home is you; i said

I was just a little girl years back, wondering what would I be when I'm grow up, imagining myself as a successful woman with happily ever after relationship, blessed with cutie little pumpkins named after my favorite drama characters. Cant you believe we are approaching the end of August, 8 months had passed, a quarter of year left till 2017. God, how quick time flies, I didnt realized it, I am turning 24 in 6 months. Most of my friends had finished their degrees, started working, some had enrolled into masters program, got engaged to someone they love, now planning for their wedding, and few had got married. Well, you cannot expect everyone in this world walking the same path as you do, right? 

Somehow I missed my high school friends. It has been ages since I last met them. I don't have many friends, and I don't even have a close friend. None. I just go mingled with anyone that might have quite same interest with me, can talk to or hang out with. At the end of the day, we all will be on our own. Just be kind. 

"always be kind, as everyone is fighting a hard battle" 

I still remember the first time I landed my eyes on him. We were 16. We were in the same class for a year before the authority separated us into different classes. He was no body to me. I did never imagined that I would be so madly in love with him. It was after graduating high school, this one event happened, and finally I realized that I had this kind of weird feeling towards him. He too felt the same I guess. I was not so sure if it was right or not, turning friendship into a love-hate relationship, without even thinking the consequences that might happen if it was a failure. We will never be friends again. Never. 

It wasn't a lovely relationship in the beginning, we fought a lot, I cried a lot, thought it would be end soon, yet somehow we made it, up to now. Been together for 5 years and half never totally, completely, put me into a secured feeling, well anything can happen in the future. I shouldn't love more, I need to restrain myself from thinking of him, shall I be hurt then, I talked to myself. Wondering is he really made for me? What if, all this years are such a waste? Hmm come think of it, marriage doesn't promise forever, if yes, why there are divorcee everywhere on Earth?

Get hold of yourself! At this point of time, medical school is more important. I think this thoughts wont stop bothering until finally I know the answers. 

"is there any signs of us still being together next year and ahead?"

Who knows? Still, we need to fight for it, no regrets. 

tick tock tick tock

After a whole week of wondering the fate of my medical course, I finally received a good news on last Monday morning after having my breakfast with grandma & grandpa, thank God, alhamdulliah, I passed medical posting. This marked the end of my 3rd year, hello there 4th year sure there will be lots of unpredictable things ahead, yet enjoyable and fun. Though I'm happy I passed the most difficult posting of all, I feel like I'm actually unqualified to pass as my short case was the worst of all short cases I ever had. There are more things to learn, to grab, and to remember as fast as possible, 2 years more to go till the final professional exam. My 5th year seniors, whom just finished their MBBS last week, was the best batch of all, with the highest passing and distinction rate. In medicine, you cannot expect 100% pass, there will always be certain degree of failure. Knowledge isnt the only marker that guarantee passing the posting, there are other factors as well, the most influencing of all, we call it, rezeki. With that, I challenge myself to always giving instead of taking.

p/s: I managed to sell my instax mini 8, can now finally buy instax wide 210 hihihi
pp/s: I decided to not to go to you-know-where, I guess it isnt the right time and the right place for the first timer like me exchanging glances and know them well.

we keep this love in a photograph

I looked back at the old photos of mine, feels old enough. Every photo carries a story. As time passes, memories remained. Right here, in my mind, I can remember every single detail happened in each photo. Back then, I was slimmer than now. I weighed about 45/46kg with a good body shaped, compared to now I looked much similar to a potato. Weird thing, in the past even though I ate more than now, I never even bother of maintaining a good shape, my weight never exceeded 50kg. I had loss weight during Ramadhan, poor thing in 2 weeks I gained another 3kg. Should try harder to control my lust from getting worse if not I would end up being a watermelon. Sounds silly.

I didn’t have tons of pictures during my high school. We weren’t allowed to bring camera plus I didn’t own one. Some still brought it, sure they had lots of photos taken to be showed to their future kids soon. It seems like my kids need to have a real good imagination to portray their mum as a high school student. I have a bunch of albums filled with my childhood memories. Before the era of digital cameras and smartphones, people used film camera like lomography, holgas, polaroid, disposable cameras and so to capture memories. Youngsters nowadays might not know the existence of all this stuff. Those who got passion in photography might still own this kind of cameras. I know some that loves to play with holga and polaroids. Do not mistaken polaroid as instax camera. They are far different from each other. Polaroid is much more expensive and antique compared to instax that look much cheaper and updated. I bought myself an instax camera during my first year medical school. I would like to change to a wide type of instax camera soon enough when I got money in my pocket.

Unlike now, photos back then were unedited, unfiltered and it is kind of exciting to wait till all the film were used up and we went to photo shop to get them print out. Then we would buy an album to fill in the photos. Sadly, after the era of smartphones and digital cameras, we partially stopped doing that. I just printed out memories captured since my first year up till now and already put them into an album named after an English movie starred by Rachel McAdams, About Time. Most of the photos in first year had I deleted for unknown reasons making me felt unsatisfied and full of regrets. From now on, I promise to myself that I will value each photograph, keeping it safe till forever. I am now imagining tons of photo albums will be created in the future filled with valuable memories that could not be bought with money but experiences. 

:)