One freaking whole year.
Many things had happened to me in 2023.
1. I changed my career pathway.
From Obgyn to Family Medicine. I feel a lot better in primary care setting. Work life balance. More time for myself and family. Less stressful environment. I was at my worst when I was in Obgyn. But when I looked back, I did learnt a lot in that department, thus when I came to primary care setting, I have no problem dealing with obgyn cases. It's just like blessings in a disguise? Isnt it?
What made me quit the pathway? The people and the environment of course. I don't want to elaborate more on that. Those in medical fraternity knows i think ha-ha. I'm doing well in Klinik Kesihatan alhamdulliah.
I sat on MedEx an pre-entrance for specialization in Family Medicine in Nov 2023 and passed. I was called for interview for master programme in Family Medicine in Jan 2024. Initially I didnt manage to secure the place. However, last Sunday I received a called from HOD Family Medicine UKM asking whether I would like to join master programme in UKM starting in June 3rd which is next month, which for some reasons I requested to defer for one semester. Unfortunately, they wanted an immediate intake. So I guess I dont get it.
He then offered me a position as a trainee lecturer in UKM but of course I need to thru the interview sessions and all, and if I passed the interview session, I will start my master programme next year inshallah in June 2025. I think this is one of the way Allah wants to tell me there is other way to become a Family Medicine Specialist. Who knows I can get this one. Now it's the waiting game. Waiting to be called for interview. If no news within this 4 months, means sorryyy you didnt get the job. Try again another time.
2. I lost my beloved grandfather
It was Saturday night, 3rd of June 2023. My mother, my husband and I were doing laundry when I received the call. We were just coming back from Brunei Trip (road trip from Kuching to Brunei; to and forth). I was shocked. I wailed in tears. The sad thing is my grandfather died alone in the hospital bed. There was no one accompanied him that time. According to my sister and my grandmother, he was well the evening they saw him. He can eat. He can talk. He wasnt on oxygen supplements. He was totally fine. He was in the last cubicle which means in few more days he could go back already. No one knows that it was the last time we could see him in this dunya.
On that night, Saturday, 3rd of June 2023, he suddenly collapsed. Asystole. The heart stopped beating. CPR was commenced. No ROSC (return of spontaneous circulation). Allah loves him more than all of us. He succumbed to death at 1036 pm. Imagine CPR was done on that fragile body. We never discussed on the DNL/DNR part (Death in Line/ Do not Resus) with the attending doctors because he was totally fine. Yeahhhh I know if he was totally fine he would not be admitted to the hospital. He was fine fine for a patient. If you looked at other patients, they were wayyyyyy sicker than him.
I was in the laundry when I received the news. It was unbelievable. My grandfather is gone. He's gone. My beloved and funny grandfather is dead. I just cant believe it. We were still in Kuching. We needed to find the earliest flight to Johor. Alhamdulliah, there was still empty seats in the 6 am flight. Alhamdulliah Allah made the path easier for us, we able to reach home before funeral.
I got the chance to see him for the last time. I can still remember the moment when I set my foot at home, I saw a dead body at the center of the living room. It was my lovely grandfather. He was covered in white. His face was pale. He smiled. I kissed him for the last time. I missed you so much Atuk. My last conversation with him was during Raya 2023. That was a month and half before his death. We talked about my career pathway, my dreams, his dreams to see me pregnant and having kids and many more. I was closed to him. He loved to tell me about his childhood, his early days as an adult, a father, a grandfather and many more. Allah gave me 30 years of life with him. This is the first year without him. I missed him a lot.
Sometimes I went to visit his grave. I talked to him not sure whether he can hear it or not. I told him all the things that he had missed. I told him how much I miss our time together, how things had changed now. I wish I could turn back time and called him often. May we see each other again in Jannah inshallah.
3. I got permanent post and transferred back to Semenanjung Malaysia
I thought I will remain as contract medical doctor until the day my contract will be terminated. If my grandfather were here he would be happy that I finally got the permanent position. Alhamdulliah. Currently, I'm in Klinik Kesihatan in Johor, staying with my family, while my husband is still in Kuching. Probably by end of this year inshallah he would go back home for good, joining headquarters Politeknik in Putrajaya. Still PJJ but at least we're not separated by South China Sea :)
This is also one of the reasons why I applied for the trainee lecturer position in UKM, so that I can be with my husband. I dont want to be in a LDR when he's finally here in Peninsular Malaysia of course. Wherever he goes, I'll follow. Of course I wanna be with my husband all the times. I'm a clingy wifey ha-ha.
4. I'm pregnant
Alhamdulliah, I'm pregnant. Can't you believe that? Remember my last post in this blog last year Jan, I prayed for a little angel. We have undergone several fertility procedures to get pregnant. Clomid induced, gonadal F induced, timed sexual intercourse, IUI, all ended up as failures. We were thinking of having a second IUI in Dec 2023 after 6 months of rest. Allah knows best. I was transferred back to Johor. LDR. How can we get pregnant if we're not living together? It would be difficult. We thought of IVF. But how to do it we're in a LDR.
As I said, Allah knows best.
A week after I settled down in Semenanjung, for the first time in my life, positive UPT. I was over the moon. My husband was over the moon. Everyone were happy. We have been waiting this baby for almost 3 years. Our first child. Alhamdulliah alhamdulliah alhamdulliah. What more can we say?
I'm now 6 months pregnant, entering 3rd trimester soon. My due date will be in August 2024.
I have experienced the morning sickness, the stretch marks, the indigestion, soon I will be experiencing the penguin walk ha-ha. Is it baby boy or baby girl? Alhamdulliah it's the baby that I keep on telling my husband over and over to put inside my belly! Ha-ha. We're having a....(secret) lol. Wait till the day baby is born. Alhamdulliah for all these blessings Ya Allah.
Surely, He gives me the things that I want, not at the moment I want them so much, but at the time He thinks is the exact moment for me. Like this baby. After we had gone fort honeymoon, family trip to overseas with my family and his family, when we both already got the permanent position, when I already returned to Semenanjung for good so that I have family support from both sides of families, when I already in Klinik Kesihatan, less stressful environment, more time with family, of course having work life balance now, when we already went to visit many places, jalan-jalan husband and wife. Allah knows when its the right time for me. Thus He granted us the baby at the appropriate time, the suitable time for us. Alhamdulliah.
----------------------------------
If I were to sum up all the things happened in 2023, it was filled with ups and downs. Like I said many things had happened to me in 2023. I have become a mature young lady, soon to be a mother, I appreciate more the things I have in my hands now, I worry less and leave everything to Allah because He knows best, I believe all my prayers will be answered, it's just a matter of time, whether now or later, or He would replace it with something even better.
If my grandfather were here, he would be so happy that he will finally able to embrace his first great grandchild. How I wish you were here Atuk. I miss you :( No one can replace you. I will always cherish our moments together and I will tell my future kids about you from time to time. I pray that we can see each other back in Jannah. Inshallah.
Love,
Ayuz :)