My Pregnancy Journey So Far

My husband and I dated for 10 years before we finally tied the knot on my 28th birthday. I always thought getting pregnant is as easier as having sex. You have sex today and 9 months later pop! A baby! It was until I got married I knew that oh getting pregnant is not easy as you wish. If Allah says no, it isnt your time yet, hence no. No matter how frequent you done it, if He said no, then NO. 

It was December 2 years ago when we decided to go for fertility test. For me, they ran hormonal test and hysterosalphingography. As for my husband, seminal fluid analysis. The results turned to be normal but why cant we get pregnant? We started on fertility procedure in Jan 23. We had undergone timed sexual intercourse with clomid, gonadal F and also IUI. All ended up in failure. Dont ask me how many time I cried. 

Every single time when I got my menses.

I cried on my husband’s arms of course. He’s always there to comfort me. Never did we lose hope. We believed that it is not our time yet to become parents. Allah knows best. He will give us our little angel when the right time comes. We just need to keep praying and improving ourselves to become a better person for our little ones. 

We planned for 2nd IUI in December 23, but then I got permanent placement and transferred back to Semenanjung Malaysia. We thought like hmmm it’s ok maybe Allah has better plans for us. 

Interestingly, 1 week after I transferred to Semenanjung Malaysia, UPT positive! I was shocked. It was Sunday morning. Ive missed menses for 9 days, half of my heart said dont you ever dare to do UPT, what if it’s negative, your husband isnt here, who will comfort you then? The other half said just do it. I took a deep breath and just do it as the other part of the heart says. Anddddd it’s positive. Are you freaking serious?????? 

I still remember the moments perfectly. I video called my husband straight away, he just woke up from sleep. I showed the UPT. He was shocked too! I imagined if he’s with me that time, he would surely pull me into his arms. And I of course would shout for his name from the bathroom! Hahahaha. And he would wake up in shock. LOL. 

We were in disbelieve. Is it true? I did another urine pregnancy test in clinic and it was positive. I asked my friend to scan my abdomen, and pop! There’s a small intrauterine gestational sac. From my last menstrual period, I was just 5 weeks pregnant. No fetal pole seen yet. I printed the picture and again showed to my husband. It would be nice if he’s with me that time. Ahhhhh I hate distance! 

Truth be told, I was afraid. What if its a blighted ovum. But hey! I’m just 5 weeks pregnant remember? Relax. Take a deep breath. We wait another 2 weeks. While waiting just keep on praying that this is a viable pregnancy. I told myself. 

2 weeks had passed. 

I asked my senior to scan me, the sac was getting bigger but where is the baby? I couldnt see it! Where is the baby? It should be there! I’m 7 weeks pregnant now. It should be there. Again, I was terrified. What if my baby were never there at the first place? I tried to calm down, its ok maybe it’s too small that we couldnt see it yet. Its ok. Later, I contacted my other friend who works in private clinic that has a transvaginal scan machine. 

Later that afternoon, after work, I visited her clinic. She scanned me transvaginally. At first, we could not see the baby. I already cried, because I want this baby so much. We have been waiting for this baby for almost 3 years. The moment my friend push in the transvaginal probe further, we both saw a small fetus reside in the sac. Thats my baby!!! I cried again. But this time it was happy tears! I took a video for my husband. Again I thought it would be nice if my husband were here. Alhamdulliah ya Allah. Theres a baby finally in my tummy. Cant you believe that??? I’m pregnant! Finally! Alhamdulliah alhamdulliah alhamdulliah. Thank you Allah. 

The moment my pregnancy is confirmed to be viable, my morning sickness started. Hahahaha. I have food aversion. I craved for sweet things. At 7 am sharp I would feel nauseated and dizzy. I couldnt tolerate white rice, but I still take it in small amount. My mouth tasted funny. Most of the time, I vomitted back every single thing that I put down my throat. It was terrible experience hahaha. Luckily alhamdulliah, it lasted for only 1 trimester. 

As I entered 2nd trimester the morning sickness episodes gone. 

No more feeling nauseated, dizzy and vomitting. I did booking for antenatal follow up at 11 weeks. While waiting for the quickening (the earliest movement of baby) to be felt, I scanned myself once a week. Crazy isnt it? Hahahaha just to make sure my baby is safe. 

We went for detailed scan at 20w, few days before raya. Alhamdulliah our baby is growing well. The gender revealed! Its the baby that I keep on telling my husband to put inside me! Hahahaha alhamdulliah thank you Allah for this blessings.  2nd trimester is like honeymoon period! I can eat whatever I want. Alhamdulliah Allah gave me strength so that I can fast for the whole month of Ramadhan. My baby bump made it’s first appearance during raya! I look cute ok! Hahahaha. My breasts, tummy, hips and cheeks are growing well LOL. 

Alhamdulliah I’m currently in my 3rd trimester. Just 1 month+ left, we will then be seeing our baby inshallah. My husband is on the flight home. I’ll see him this evening inshallah. And tomorrow we’re gonna go for 5D scan. Hopefully our baby would show us her cute face! Yessssss we’re having baby girl! Alhamdulliah. 

At 3rd trimester, I’m now experiencing back pain, frequent urination, pubic symphysis diatesis, I feel hungry easily but I can only tolerate small meals if not I’d feel bloated haha. My baby is pushing my stomach! What else? Hmmmm I frequent pass wind also! Hahaha baby keep on pushing my gut makes mommy prott prottt. LOL. 

Inshallah 1 month+ left until we meet our baby girl.

Please pray for me. May Allah ease my labour process and the remaining of my pregnancy journey ameen inshallah. May our baby girl grow healthy, safe from any harm, sickness and evil eyes ameen inshallah. 

Back then when we were 4 years younger <3

Fast forward 4 years later, we’re gonna be mommy and daddy. 

See you in August H! 

Mommy and ayah love you :) 

A year without you

June 3rd 2023 was the day I lost my grandfather. 

It has been a year today. 

Many things had happened since then.

It still feels like yesterday I talked to him, hugged him, laughed with him, heard him talking about his childhood days, his career, the tough days during British and Japan colonisation and many more. He loved to talk. Like a lot. Most of the time, I just listened to his stories. 

Home feels different without him. 

I used to spend time in his room listen to his stories. A year has passed, I could still feel his presence. He has this chair that he used to sit, next to the dining table. I could still see him there, watching tv, smiling when we called his name. Sometimes our cat, Yulip would meowing, and climbed to sit on his lap. He would caressed him and Yulip continues meowing to get his full attention. 

A year has passed, never did we say “late grandpa” whenever we talk about him. We say grandpa as if he is still alive.

My grandpa routine started with waking up for fajr prayer before 6. He would spend his time to recite Holy Quran after each prayer. He had finished a whole Quran at least 3 times in a year. Breakfast in the morning with grandma. Watching tv next. Then got into his room. He usually did these few things: either sleeping, reading newspapers, reciting zikr; he did a lot, like a lot, gifts for his late mother and father, he told me he had recited 100 000 of 3 qul and 100 000 of other things for them. Other than that he would be doing some calculations; something to do with his saham koperasi sometimes zakat/assets. 

When it’s the time for prayer, he prayed. When it’s time for meal, he ate. Unlike my grandmother who is a picky eater, he would eat anything, never did he lose his appetite until his very last day in this dunya. The day Allah took him from us, he still ate his lunch. He loved black grapes, the one without seeds, yakult, orange juice from Twister, and ikan baung masak tempoyak. He loved baung masak tempoyak really much. He didnt mind to eat it for days. He would slurp the gravy till the very last drop. That’s how he loved baung masak tempoyak. 

I remember the time when he sent me and picked me up from school. I was a crybaby back then ha-ha, I would be crying every time he picked me up late from school. How could I not? I was the only one left outside the school compound while the rest of the pupils already went home. 20 years later, I’m still a crybaby-sometimes hahahaha. My husband called me so lol. Sometimes he would ride his bike, some other times he drove his old edition of volkswagen bettle which the other pupils would be laughing at me calling the car “kereta katak”. There were times I prayed to Allah please dont send the rain down today because I dont wanna go to school in that car! Hahahahaha. Youngsters…they just dont know how to appreciate the uniqueness of that classic car! Hahaha. I kind of miss that car now. My grandfather sold it for 11k years ago. 

A year has passed now. 

This morning my grandma asked me to put the old photos from different separate albums into one thick album. There were lots of pictures of you, grandpa. I think I like the grandpa version of you rather than the younger version of you hahahaha. You looked way cuter and cheekier in grandpa version. Your younger version makes you looked like a strict man, I dont like that! Hahahahaha. I’m glad I met the old version of you. I pray that we could see each other again in Jannah inshallah. 

Oh Allah, 

Please forgive my grandfather, raise his rank among those who are guided, expand his grave and take care of us which he leaves behind him. Ameen ameen inshallah.