When universe works in mysterious ways

I am seriously not understand, what is actually the universe trying to tell me?

When I’ve already made of my mind, okay this isnt what I want in life. Suddenly He sends me someone to guide me, and this someone makes me wonder, should I stay? 

She said she had it worst than me, and she was at the verge to send a transfer letter too, fast forward 10 years later here she is, still here, a better version of herself and the way I see her, she’s amazing, she’s at the level of a specialist. So how on Earth did she manage to go through all this shits and reborn?

Ya Allah,what is it You’re trying to tell me?

I remember months back, I prayed to Allah to place me in whichever place that is good for me,either hospital based setting or clinic based setting. Then He sent me here. Most of the days I wonder, if this is really the best for me why I have it worst? 

Most of the days I am super stress. I come back home super tired. I don’t have mood to study. 

I came to work early, but my boss still doesnt like me. 

Because of me, the morning rounds will be long. 

Making others turn up late to clinic.

All because of me. 

I am so dumb.

I do really love this field.

I love the knowledge. 

But to work in this kind of environment, I dont think I can.

That is why I want to go. 

To a better place. 

I want to try clinic based setting. 

But I really dont know when is the suitable time for me to go.

Is it right after my exam, or right after my part 1 result is out?

I thought Allah already answered me and showed me the way. 

And again today, I became confused.

What is actually He trying to tell me.

He sent me a senior, trying to reach me, and have a talk.

Ya Allah, 

Are You trying to tell me,this place that I’m currently working is the best for me and my future? And the reason why I have it tough now is so that one day I’ll become a competent and a good doctor?Is that what are You trying to show me? 

I am seriously don’t know.

I will keep on doing istikharah to ask guidance from Him.

I don’t want to make a wrong decision. 

The moment I decide to send the lettter and go, means that I will change my career pathway like forever.

So I dont want to make a rush decision based on my “current” state right now.

I need  to think through and through.

I believe He will guide me through this.

Have faith.

Have faith.

Inshallah I will figure this all out by the end of  this year. 

Allah will guide me.

He is All-Knowing, All-Seeing,All-Hearing, ar-rahman and ar-raheem.

:) 

Have faith

Doubts.  

I have never thought at this point of time in my life I would have doubts in my career pathway.  

I’m  in dilemma,  at the junction of 2  roads, should I stay, or should  I go? 

All this time,I thought this is what I want in life, turns out I want something more flexible, I want more time with my family, I want work-life balance, and  I think I am not capable to continuously being in this field. 

I don’t have a  hawk’s eyes, nor I have a lion’s heart and though I’m a woman, I don’t have a lady’s hand. 

Exam is in 2 weeks from  now. I’m going to  sit on exam since I’ve already paid for  it, it isnt cheap I tell you. Once exam finished, I’m going to send the letter of transfer to my HOD.

Inshallah this is the best for me, and I know Allah will ease my way. 

He listens to every duas that I have made.   

He knows  my sufferings.

He knows I’m at my limits already. 

He knows how tired  I am. 

He knows.

He is  the all-knowing.

And I have faith, He will ease everything for  me.

And I wont stop praying.

I’m not afraid because I know He will always be with me.   

Inshallah inshallah inshallah, going out from this department is the best for me, my family, my life. 

Please ease my way ya Allah. 

Please soften the hearts of the people that will process my transfer so that they’ll put me to the best place according to Your knowledge. 

Please soften the heart of  my HOD so that he would easily let  me go and  sign the transfer letter.  

Because You hold the hearts of people.   

I know Allah will help me,I have faith. 

Because He is Ar-rahman and Ar-rahim.

He is All-hearing and All-seeing.

I have faith. 

I have faith.

I remember one of my friends told  me, Allah ialah seperti sangkaan hamba-NYA, jadi bersangka baiklah pada Allah. Bila kita yakin dengan doa kita, kita letak sepenuh keyakinan pada doa tu, pada Allah, inshallah Allah akan makbulkan. Yang penting kena yakin.

Ini ialah apa yang terbaik buat saya.  

Inshallah. 

:)

booktoks made me buy it

I used to love reading malay fiction books years ago.

Like every single weekend I would go to the bookstore to buy a single book and I could finish reading it within 1-2 days. 

The moment I entered second year of medschool I became detached to it. 

And years later, when I was in my last posting of housemaship I came across my friend's ig story about religious books from Mizi Wahid, it's beautiful. I bought the whole set for myself.

Andddddd the last thing I know I now own about 50 fiction books ha-ha. 

Have I read all of them? 

Absolutely no. 

Told my husband buying books and reading books are two different hobbies. 

I like the feeling of you own something. 

This books are now finally under my possessions. 

It's all started with tiktok. 

They are all booktok recommended. 

Now that I want to focus on my part 1, I no longer read the books, but still I want to buy more.

Mashallah. 

But alhamdulliah I managed to suppress the syaiton inside me, ha-ha-ha. 

I still went to bookstore once in a week, but only for sight seeing :p

Alhamdulliah.

Once in a while, I would go to the online bookstore, book depository, mph, bookxcess, some shopees, it's a good feeling seeing good books. 

I feel like want to own them astargfirullah. 

But the feeling is only temporary. 

Ha-ha-ha.

If you look at my TBR list ya Allah it's a long list. 

Dont know when I'm gonna finish them.

Inshallah one day. 

Eh how come people can read one 800 pages book in one day???

Like A Little Life, The Priory of the Orange Tree etc. 

If only I can read the whole oxford revision note in one day...

Not gonna happen aint it zzz

Andddd it's finally my favorite month of the year. 

The parcel from bookdepository is on it's way. 

Hehehehe. 

Bertambahlah tbr list saya.

:p

Till then, 

bye.

Another milestones

I thought I'm going to stay longer in PKRC, but turns out tomorrow I'm gonna start my new journey in a new department.

I have a lot in my mind right now, like wow can I totally do this? 

It's easy to tell people, 

"no worries, youre gonna be fine "

"it's okay, you can do this" 

"dont worry to much"

But when it comes to me myself, when I'm in their shoes, I too feel the same. 

Going out from comfort place is surely not that easy. 

Entering a new place, mixed emotions and feelings. I'm happy to start a new journey, but I'm afraid I cant go with it. There's many what ifs. Oh God

Have I forget the concept of mindfulness that I've been holding since years back when I was introduced to it. 

Months ago, when I had come to the decision to moved to Kuching following my husband, at one point I was confident surely I will get this, but then for no reasons I became anxious and worried what ifs I dont get it, then I would be PJJ with my husband, he's in Kuching I'm in Johor, we cannot see each other as usual as we used to. 

Then I talked to this one friend, she told me, 

"Babe..I can sense you are very anxious..but right now you are fearing something that doesn't exist. For all you know you already got kuching and it's just processing..and you are wasting your time worrying.Just recap the past...everything you worried abt has one outcome only. They all worked out you wanted to. This is gonna be just the same. You have to trust me and trust god. Sometimes..your intuition sense something is coming in your way. But then you get confused and get anxious instead. This is normal neurophysiology"

She's damn right. 

Few days later, I called JKN and yes I got what I want. 

Alhamdulliah. 

He is all hearing. 

He is all knowing. 

And He is the best planner. 

Show I be worried now about tomorrow? 

No. 

Just go with the flow. 

Put trust on Him but at the same time do my very best. 

I'm gonna love this place. 

I always find doing solat sunat when I'm in the state anxious/worry/sad is very comforting. 

And I should do it now. 

I'm gonna be just fine.

Inshallah. 

Happy New Year 2022

Happy New Year 2022! 

Hopefully this year will be better than the previous ones. 

I'm turning 29 this year. 

Alamak, nak 30 tahun dah. 

When I was a little girl, I always wonder how it feels like growing old, then you move out from your house to further your study/ working, subsequently you got married and having kids. 

Like macam mana I nak bayar bills? 

Pandai ke I nak drive nanti? 

What if I tinggal jauh daripada family, how? 

Maka dah terjawablah semua ha-ha.

Sekali betul-betul ya tinggal jauh, seberang Laut China Selatan kau. 

Hopefully I will enjoy staying here. 

Later when I going back Semenanjung, when people ask me how's Kuching? hopefully I will answer bestttt, I really enjoy myself there, nice place, nice people, banyak tempat menarik I dah pergi, it's surely a nice experiencelah serving there. 

Bilalah tu agaknya dapat pindah balik Semenanjung ya.

Dah boleh start counting days nak balik Semenanjung.

3 minggu lagi. 

I harap Covid last tahun nilahh. 

Please no more MCO thingy ke, kita memang kena hidup dalam situasi endemic ni, macam mana dulu kita hidup dengan denggi, denggi endemic what. I know there's a lot differences between this two.

Please I nak raya tahun ni. 

My husband dah 2 tahun tak balik raya kampung dia. 

Nasib tahun lepas dah kawin dengan I, kalau tak dia pun krik krik raya sorang dekat Selangor. 

Semoga yang baik-baiklah untuk kita tahun ni. 

Macam biasa, tahun baru mesti ada azam baru. 

So, azam I (dalam hati) inshallah akan diusahakan semuanya. 

:)