no title

I used to love blogging really much, but now wow look at me, surprisingly its already two months I left this blog untouched. It is not like I don't have time to blog, and I'm not that busy medical student staying up all day long to finish reading books, that is totally not me, I wish I were, but sadly no. Feels like I have lost passion to blog, maybe? Plus I don't have much interesting stories to be told.

At this point of time, I already passed orthopaedic posting, currently in radiology posting and tonight is the last night before I'm going to sit for end of radiology posting tomorrow.  Being a radiologist is always be my dream. Although I couldnt recall the anatomy of all the structures in the body, I still consider radiology as a speciality that I want to pursue later on. 

May God ease my way throughout medschool, housemanship and mo-ship. 

Ameen.

i know its kinda late, but happy birthday

Last week was my grandpa's 84th birthday. For the first time ever, I did give him a birthday present, and it really touched his heart. Seriously, I was moved from the way he conveyed thank you to me. As I am away from home, I decided to buy an online present from my favorite online shop, Zalora. I don't have much money, so I picked the coolest and the cheapest one. I ordered it on Saturday, shipped on Sunday and hurray safely delivered at home on Monday. 

All this time, grandpa is the one that pick up our parcels every time the postman come. So this time, I put his name as the recipient so that he would be surprised and happy I guess. At the same time, I was worried he would find out the price of the gift. Gladly, my sister was the one to pick up the box, phew. 

It was Monday morning when the parcel arrived. He was at the market, buying some groceries with grandma. During lunch hour (my sister is now doing internship), she went home for meal, and that was the time she presented grandpa the gift. 

Grandpa was sleeping soundly when she did enter his room. Waking him up with excitement,

"Atuk, bangun. Ni ada barang untuk atuk"

"Siapa bagi ni?" he asked curiously, opened it quickly. My sister directly took the invoice right away avoiding him from seeing it. Trust me, it was a really cheap wallet but has the highest sentimental value of course, cause he did received it from the coolest and loveliest granddaughter ever :p 

Upon seeing the coolest wallet ever, he then took out his old wallet from the wardrobe, took out all the money and cards, transferred them all into the new wallet he just got for his birthday. He looked so happy, my sister said. Upon receiving the news, I called him.

"Atuk! Dah dapat dah hadiah"

"Dah, terima kasih banyak-banyak. Susah-susah je nanti duit belanja tak cukup"

"Mana adalah tuk, bila yang murah je. Atuk selamat hari jadi yang ke 84"

"Terima kasih, susah-susah je"

"Atuk suka takkkk tuk?"

"Mestilahh atuk suka. Lagipun beg duit atuk dah koyak dahh"

"Memanglahh daripada kite tadika lagi atuk pakai beg duit yang sama. Pakai tau tukk jangan tak pakaii"

"Atuk dah letak dah semua duit & kad atuk dalam beg duit yang kau bagi ni. Terima kasih banyak-banyak. Belajar elok-elok"

"Doakan tau tuk"

"Atuk sentiasa doakan cucu-cucu atuk" 

Okay nak nangis dengar. Sure, little thing means a lot. Price doesnt matter, but the remembrance. Orang yang dah biasa susah, selagi boleh pakai selagi tulah dia pakai. The wallet has already worn out. Imagine, using the same wallet for more than 13 years. Knowing how happy he was, how moved he was, I was touched. I never thought a small gift would make him happy. Yes he is. I should be grateful at the age of 23, I still have my grandparents, while some did never seen theirs since young. 2 years from now, he would celebrate his 60th year wedding anniversary and inshallah, I would finish my medical school. He would love to celebrate this two meaningful events with our big family, provided that both of them are still alive. Long live grandpa & grandma. 

I wonder if I can live long enough as them. 84 and still strong. Sure he needs to take medications everyday for his hypertension, CKD Stage 3 and IHD NYHA class 2 but comparing to the patients I encounter in the ward, he looks much younger and stronger than them. There were times he looked depressed as he couldnt walk for 6 months due to the effect of general anaesthesia after a long operation he had when I was 17. But he recovered. I would like to talk about his strong will later. 

Nanti-nanti :) 

orthobots II

Ortho is fun. But too many dramas happened in a week. Last week. Miscommunication between the lecturers. Students kena halau daripada ward. Students masuk operation theater lambat. Students tak masuk langsung operation theater. Students tak cover all patients for OT or in the wards. Dan sebagainya. And my group was the leading actors/actresses. Believe me we really go into our depressed state. Yelah posting sebelum ni jadual tu macam lantaklah tak ikut pun. I went to anywhere I wanted. Macam supposedly dekat ward, but I went to A&E to nephro cliniclah ikut suka. But in ortho, that kind of attitude is unacceptable. Schedule is made to be followed. Schedule have to be respected. 

We joined other groups teaching session, and late for OT, and some didnt come in at all. Dan ini mencetuskan kemarahan lecturer kami, and we had received the punishment. And yeay drama dah habis. Kelmarin & semalam kami cari 6 lecturers untuk minta maaf atas segala silap. Thank God Dr dah cool down. Heharap takde drama season 2. Kalau ada pun pls group lain not us lagi. Penat wei bangun pagi rasa depressed. Bangun pagi rasa tak bersemangat. Tidur tak lena. Dan sebagainya. 

But seriously Ortho is fun! Banyak gila benda belajar. I have to survived this posting! I want to graduate on time. Boleh boleh. Dulu sebelum masuk dalam medical field rasa macam hmm boleh ke nak tengok mayat tengok orang terpotong kaki, kaki ke makan dengan ulat daging, bila dah masuk eleh tak takut pun biasa je. Tengok gambar lagi scary daripada tengok dedepan. Serious talk. Bila kat depan tu siap pegang lagi teliti satu-satu. Takdelah scary pun cuma busuk sikitlah. 

:)

orthobots

Senior kata posting ortho paling tough antara yang lain sepanjang 4th year ni. Serius betul, memang penat tapi best gila. Rasa macam baru masuk medschool, on the first day of medschool kami semua terpinga-pinga dengan anatomy, terms baru, ha macam tulah perasaan masuk ortho ni sebab dah lama gila tinggalkan anatomy of limbs. Gila dulu aku hafal kot tiap satu muscle dekat limbs, siap hafal lagi selok-belok laluan urat saraf, pastu sebab dah tak pakai selama dua tahun lebih dan tak revise masuk ortho ni memang blurlah. Dari 8 pagi hingga 5 petang dekat hospital, memang balik bilik tu takyah cakaplah benda pertama memang nak tidur. Eh tapi aku memang kuat tidur pun alasan je semua tu. Kah! 

Eh dahlah seminar tak start pun lagi buat.

Setakat ni aku tak jumpa lagi case macam ni masa oncall. Ada lagi 9 kali oncall. Jumpalah nanti kan. Jadi baik aku persiapkan diri dengan ilmu bebanyak. Hari-hari perang melawan malas tau! 

Nanti-nanti :)

few days before holidays ends...

Ikutkan, hujung Ogos haritu dah balik Kuantan, sekarang mungkin tengah pening dengan forensic posting, memikirkan nak buat dekat hospital mana masa cuti interposting nanti, dan excited juga nak balik cuti raya haji. Tapi disebabkan takde lecturer yang available untuk teaching, department bagi extend cuti sampai 18/9. Pertama kali dalam sejarah sejak first year dapat cuti lebih 3 minggu. Selama ni 3 minggulah paling lama. Oleh sebab sedara-mara ramailah juga yang tinggal berdekatan, dan bila adanya aku dekat rumah makanya akulah yang perlu bawa nenek ke mana saja yang dia mahu, makanya soalan yang sama ditanya, “eh kau ni bila nak balik? Lamanya cuti”

Cuti lama-lama ni mereput juga rasa. Dah biasa cuti seminggu tiba-tiba diberi lama macam ni hmm nak buat apa ya dekat rumah ni? Tapi bestlah duduk rumah takyah fikir nak makan apa, pergi kedai main kaut je frozen food untuk dimakan bila lapar, dapat sikit duit poket untuk beli barang online sampai posmen dah kenal, yelah tiap hari kot ada penghantaran ke rumah, setiap hari untuk setiap minggu, kalau tak aku, adik aku, obviously akulah paling sikit membeli hihihi. Okay tak setiap hari tapi setiap minggu tu betul. Takde satu minggu pun sunyi daripada pin pin posmen minta cepat keluar ambil barang. Kah! Dan disebabkan aku terlampau bersenang lenang dekat rumah, makanya satu hari abah berkata, “makin montel kau ni abah tengok, kerja makan je dekat rumah”

Okayyy baru haritu aku bangga gila babi berat aku turun masa puasa itu hari jadi 49kg sekarang dah menjangkaui 54kg. A fatty bambam. Makin membulat. Semalam tengok gambar lama, ya tohan kedingnya aku dulu, lagi sikit nak macam papan. Bayangkan sekarang semua ukuran dah naik 2 inch. God saves me! Shahrin pun makin lama makin bambam jadi tak salah untuk aku ikut sekali hmm takboleh takboleh kena turunkan berat badan juga naik cuti niii but how?!

Hmm sedapnya bau 

Hati meronta-ronta nak makan tapi aku tahan jelah petang tadi melantak tak ingat dunia. Kang ada juga yang meroyan perut makin buncitlah apa, kawal nafsu please?

Hujung Ogos lepas list name untuk setiap posting keluar. 4^th year ni ada 5 posting keseluruhan. Forensic, Orthopedic, Specialized, Commed/Fammed & Psychiatric. Selain forensic & psychiatric 3 posting tu je students dipecahkan pada 3 group besar pastu rotate. Jadi, first posting aku ialah Ortho, diikuti specialized dan berakhir dengan commed/fammed. Siapa cakap 4^th year honeymoon? Aku baca kata-kata senior pun dah rasa nak mati je T.T Taktaulah mana yang the toughest rasa macam semua sama je tough. Moga Tuhan permudahkan semuanya.

Selamat Hari Raya Haji

Nanti-nanti :>

Little Pumpkin

Sedang aku beri makan pada Niman, kucing jantan separa parsi yang luarnya tampak seperti kucing betina ditambah lagi dengan loceng pink, makin menyerlah kebetinaannya, aku ternampak Noni. Noni anak kecil pada jiran yang tinggal di kawasan perumahan berhadapan dengan rumah aku, yang aku panggil Kak Suzie. Nampak macam mahu ke kedai. Dari jauh aku panggil, “Noniiiiiiiii!” Langsung tidak menoleh, mungkin Noni tidak dengar. Aku pun terus membelai Niman, seterusnya masuk ke rumah.

Petang tu, tengah aku leka menghadap tv, nenek ajak aku hantar pisang, pucuk ubi dan juga ubi kayu ke rumah Suzie. Macam biasalah musim cuti ni akulah drebar nenek. Sepatutnya Ahad lepas aku dah balik ke Kuantan untuk memulakan tahun keempat. Nantilah aku cerita kenapa sampai sekarang aku tak balik-balik hihi.

Aku cepat-cepat bersiap, malas mahu dengar nenek bising, terus gerak ke kereta, eleh sekali nenek yang tak siap lagi blergh. Noni memang tinggal depan rumah nenek, tapi tak adalah dekat mana pun, ada parit besar lagi yang memisahkan. Rumah nenek bukan dalam kawasan perumahan. Tanah lot, sebuah-sebuah yang kiri kanan pokok-pokok, betul-betul sebelah pagar rumah ada jalan bertar kecil ke belakang menghubungkan dengan jiran-jiran lain. Dulunya kawasan perumahan tempat Noni tinggal tu ladang sawit, sampailah aku berumur 19 tahun kawasan itu dibeli dan dibuah rumah.

Okay sambung, siap masukkan segala ubi dalam kereta, terus gerak ke rumah Noni. Kelihatan Noni dan abangnya, aku tak ingat apa namanya, sedang bermain basikal di laman rumah. Ya tuhan comelnya Noni dahlah putih kulit memerah, comelnya rasa nak culik dan buat anak angkat kah! Turun-turun dari kereta,

“Assalamualaikum. Hai Noni, ibu mana?”

Yang menyahutnya, abangnya. Malu mungkin.

“Ibuu ada orang datang”

Comelnya Noni malu ya ampun. Aku sebab dah rasa biasa dengan Kak Suzie walaupun ini baru cuma kali kedua datang ke rumah, terus buka pintu pagar dan masuk ke dalam. Dengan satu tangan memegang plastik yang penuh ubi, sebelah lagi mahu menghulur salam.

“Kak, nenek bagi ubi ni makanlah nanti ada banyak lagi kat rumah”

“Eh masuklah”

“Sekejap je ni. Satgi nak pergi rumah belakang pula”

Ubi ada selonggok, bukan kami punya, Cik Timah yang bagi. Aku tak ingat apa yang nenek bualkan dengan Suzie. Aku terus mendapatkan Noni sebelum ke kereta.

“Hai Noni”

Noni senyum malu-malu.

“Sekolah tak harini?”

“Sekolah”

“Dah mandi belum?”

“Dah”

Bleh bleh bleh dan aku pun balik ke rumah.

Balik rumah dengan satu berita gembira,

“Pergi ambil durian dekat kereta kancil depan, ada Cina bagi tadi”

Yeay durian. Akulah hantu durian dekat rumah ni. Thank you uncle bagi durian free wiwiwiwiwi. Senang gigih memindahkan durian daripada dalam kereta ke dalam rumah, Noni panggil,

“Kakakkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk”

Ya Allah comelnya. Serius. Mak kata macam cerita kartun je panggil macam tu, okay sekarang bayangkan cerita Dragan Ball, saat Gohan dah lama gila tak jumpa Goku, dan panggil “ayahhhhhhh” ha lebih kurang macam tulah tone dia.

Aku sambil melambai panggil Noni kembali.

Dan ini belarutan selama berapa ketika.

This is obviously not Noni.

Nanti-nanti;)

my blood is yours

"you need to take this medication for 6 months"

"okay, if its the best to heal me, i will"

I suffered from acne vulgaris. It is not that severe, but still as a woman it bothers me much. When looking myself in the mirror, this questions keep on playing,

"so when shall this scars gone?" 

"when will I be as beautiful as other girls?"

Natural remedies never did work for me. Only medications prescribed by doctors works on me. I sometimes regretted my decision past few years for trying local products. It worked as long as I depend on it, acnes flare up when I stopped.

Glad after few days taking doxycyline, tretinoin and benzoyl peroxide, my acnes began to heal. Yet still, got lots of acne scars, redness everywhere on cheeks, pitted acne scars. Oh hell no. 

"i need to take your blood for liver function test, renal profile, lipid profile and full blood count, in case within 2 months these meds dont work on you, then we need to change to more powerful meds which is isotretinoin, ever heard of it?"

"kind of vitamin A, right doctor? why do i need to withdraw my blood then?"

"yes. i would like to see your liver and kidney function plus cholesterol level before administrating the med as it can cause increase level of cholesterol, have some effects on kidney and liver plus if youre pregnant, you cant take it since it is teratogenic"

I hope I dont need to take isotretinoin. Please God, save me from all this shits. I'm tired of being sad every time I look into myself on the mirror. For the scars, I will go for chemical peeling or maybe this one product I found on the internet, Dermagist Acne Scars Fading Cream, have to buy it online since it doent release in Malaysia, but need to consult doctor first, afraid if it doesnt work, as it costs a lot of money. I'm sick of wasting money for things that doesnt help in healing my skin. 

Just yesterday, I realized one thing, oh God I cannot donate my blood for 6 months since I will be consuming doxycline for a course of 6 months. I have goals in life. And one of them is to donate as much blood as I can before 68 years old. I am thinking of donating my heart and eyes when I die too. Well I am a big sinner. I made sins everyday. I guess my giving my blood, heart and eyes to people in need it will help me in the hereafter, inshallah. God has gave me a lot, for 23 years, I should be grateful for whatever I have now. 

I'm actually a lil bit sad. No blood donation for 6 months means 700cc blood will be wasted. I am a universal donor. People need my blood for living. As long as my blood flows in their vessels, for every good deed that they did, inshallah I get some part of it. Now imagine donating the heart and the eyes. Mashallah. May God ease me in reaching my goals. 

Till then.

:)

home is you; i said

I was just a little girl years back, wondering what would I be when I'm grow up, imagining myself as a successful woman with happily ever after relationship, blessed with cutie little pumpkins named after my favorite drama characters. Cant you believe we are approaching the end of August, 8 months had passed, a quarter of year left till 2017. God, how quick time flies, I didnt realized it, I am turning 24 in 6 months. Most of my friends had finished their degrees, started working, some had enrolled into masters program, got engaged to someone they love, now planning for their wedding, and few had got married. Well, you cannot expect everyone in this world walking the same path as you do, right? 

Somehow I missed my high school friends. It has been ages since I last met them. I don't have many friends, and I don't even have a close friend. None. I just go mingled with anyone that might have quite same interest with me, can talk to or hang out with. At the end of the day, we all will be on our own. Just be kind. 

"always be kind, as everyone is fighting a hard battle" 

I still remember the first time I landed my eyes on him. We were 16. We were in the same class for a year before the authority separated us into different classes. He was no body to me. I did never imagined that I would be so madly in love with him. It was after graduating high school, this one event happened, and finally I realized that I had this kind of weird feeling towards him. He too felt the same I guess. I was not so sure if it was right or not, turning friendship into a love-hate relationship, without even thinking the consequences that might happen if it was a failure. We will never be friends again. Never. 

It wasn't a lovely relationship in the beginning, we fought a lot, I cried a lot, thought it would be end soon, yet somehow we made it, up to now. Been together for 5 years and half never totally, completely, put me into a secured feeling, well anything can happen in the future. I shouldn't love more, I need to restrain myself from thinking of him, shall I be hurt then, I talked to myself. Wondering is he really made for me? What if, all this years are such a waste? Hmm come think of it, marriage doesn't promise forever, if yes, why there are divorcee everywhere on Earth?

Get hold of yourself! At this point of time, medical school is more important. I think this thoughts wont stop bothering until finally I know the answers. 

"is there any signs of us still being together next year and ahead?"

Who knows? Still, we need to fight for it, no regrets. 

tick tock tick tock

After a whole week of wondering the fate of my medical course, I finally received a good news on last Monday morning after having my breakfast with grandma & grandpa, thank God, alhamdulliah, I passed medical posting. This marked the end of my 3rd year, hello there 4th year sure there will be lots of unpredictable things ahead, yet enjoyable and fun. Though I'm happy I passed the most difficult posting of all, I feel like I'm actually unqualified to pass as my short case was the worst of all short cases I ever had. There are more things to learn, to grab, and to remember as fast as possible, 2 years more to go till the final professional exam. My 5th year seniors, whom just finished their MBBS last week, was the best batch of all, with the highest passing and distinction rate. In medicine, you cannot expect 100% pass, there will always be certain degree of failure. Knowledge isnt the only marker that guarantee passing the posting, there are other factors as well, the most influencing of all, we call it, rezeki. With that, I challenge myself to always giving instead of taking.

p/s: I managed to sell my instax mini 8, can now finally buy instax wide 210 hihihi
pp/s: I decided to not to go to you-know-where, I guess it isnt the right time and the right place for the first timer like me exchanging glances and know them well.

we keep this love in a photograph

I looked back at the old photos of mine, feels old enough. Every photo carries a story. As time passes, memories remained. Right here, in my mind, I can remember every single detail happened in each photo. Back then, I was slimmer than now. I weighed about 45/46kg with a good body shaped, compared to now I looked much similar to a potato. Weird thing, in the past even though I ate more than now, I never even bother of maintaining a good shape, my weight never exceeded 50kg. I had loss weight during Ramadhan, poor thing in 2 weeks I gained another 3kg. Should try harder to control my lust from getting worse if not I would end up being a watermelon. Sounds silly.

I didn’t have tons of pictures during my high school. We weren’t allowed to bring camera plus I didn’t own one. Some still brought it, sure they had lots of photos taken to be showed to their future kids soon. It seems like my kids need to have a real good imagination to portray their mum as a high school student. I have a bunch of albums filled with my childhood memories. Before the era of digital cameras and smartphones, people used film camera like lomography, holgas, polaroid, disposable cameras and so to capture memories. Youngsters nowadays might not know the existence of all this stuff. Those who got passion in photography might still own this kind of cameras. I know some that loves to play with holga and polaroids. Do not mistaken polaroid as instax camera. They are far different from each other. Polaroid is much more expensive and antique compared to instax that look much cheaper and updated. I bought myself an instax camera during my first year medical school. I would like to change to a wide type of instax camera soon enough when I got money in my pocket.

Unlike now, photos back then were unedited, unfiltered and it is kind of exciting to wait till all the film were used up and we went to photo shop to get them print out. Then we would buy an album to fill in the photos. Sadly, after the era of smartphones and digital cameras, we partially stopped doing that. I just printed out memories captured since my first year up till now and already put them into an album named after an English movie starred by Rachel McAdams, About Time. Most of the photos in first year had I deleted for unknown reasons making me felt unsatisfied and full of regrets. From now on, I promise to myself that I will value each photograph, keeping it safe till forever. I am now imagining tons of photo albums will be created in the future filled with valuable memories that could not be bought with money but experiences. 

:)

late night thoughts

While others already started their revision, I am still struggling to finish my clerking notes as I am supposed to submit my logbook by tomorrow. This is the price that I should pay for procrastinating until the end. I shall sit on my last examination for third year a week from now. A year had passed. Should I be more wiser and matured than before. As a third year medical student, I am expected to know how to diagnose and rule out differential diagnosis. To be frank, I only knew few things,and it is my fault to always keep the questions till the very end in which later unanswered. Seemed like I had lost enthusiasm to learn. I don't understand myself anymore. I don't even know whats my heart wants. Taught that medicine is not my thing. So shall I quit?

suicide banana

I never knew the existence of Arlina Banana till KakSyu showed me her hilarious videos. I started to follow her and scrolling all the way down her instagram to see her videos from the very beginning as she seemed quite interesting to me. And then I knew that she's actually sick. She's depressed. 

Depression.

I learnt this subject in my second year. The exact pathophysiology is unclear, but studies suggest that it happens due to disturbance of the neurotransmitter in the central nervous system which is serotonin (5-HT). Serotonin has so much vital function contributing to our moods. Good moods. The etiology is multi factorial, can be due to genetics or environmental factors such as broken family, unconducive workplace, heavy workload and yes cyber-bullying. Depression is not something to be laughed of. It is real. People with depression has significant potential for morbidity and mortality. They have high tendency to injure themselves or worse commit suicide. 

I happened to see the tweets posted by Arlina Banana about suicides. I did read the response from others too. Frankly speaking, our community is sick. How can you laugh at someone who has psychiatric problem? This kind of act is shameful. Your tweets is the mirror of yourself. The way you spit the words show that you are uneducated. You are such a stupid moron that just sitting on your lazy ass condemning people that you don't even know the stories behind her struggle to keep on living, with your harsh words you then kill her.

Word kills.

If she happen to be your siblings, will you be happy seeing her die? She's dying. Your words might kill her. So then, can I consider you guys as murderers? 

Yes, Islam teaches us to preserve our soul. We're not God to decide death. It is beyond our capabilities. And people who commit suicide, the best place for them is the Hell Fire as what mentioned in Quran. But, it is between them and God. Not us to decide. Instead of adding the stress making them more depressed, why don't we comfort them with good words? 

Words may heal. 

Selamat Hari Raya in advanced!

comfort zone

"move out of your comfort zone, you can only grow if you are willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable when you try something new"

I really need to escape from this little box ive been living since young.

lucky ass

God says, verily with every difficulty there is relief. Bare in mind, it is only applicable for someone who work hard to achieve their targets, not for some lazy ass that just laying on bed all day long and wishing to become successful. Indeed, God will not change the condition of people until they change what is in themselves. Success doesn't come to you like you wish, you have to work hard for it. Consider yourself lucky for passing all those blocks and postings. You are lucky because you still got your parents and family praying for you.

But luck doesn't last forever, don't you know?

5 more to go

"Just because you took longer than others, doesnt mean you failed"

5 more case presentation to go before going back home for Eid! Moga Tuhan permudahkan urusan untuk approach MO petang ni, esok, jumaat, weekend dan minggu depan. Selasa & Rabu depan burn dah sebab 5th year exam kenot go to the ward. Bertebaranlah dikau cari procedure dekat nephro clinic, scope room dan sebagainya.

Not to forget, banyak lagi yang tak cover lagi. And I am still on bed watching return of superman.

This is me.
Trying to run away from my comfort zone but never succeeded.

Nanti-nanti.

:)

for the next 2 years

It is already at the end of week 5. Minus week 8 (cuti hari raya) & plus study week (week 10) only 4 weeks left. Have 6 more case presentation, lots of cases in the ward needed to be clerk & learn by heart and tons of short cases that need to be practiced. And what am I doing for this whole 5 weeks? 

I followed my heart. My heart told me to sleep. So I slept and begging to God to help me pass. What a worse attitude of a person that is going to become a doctor one day. So you think God will let you pass without showing Him your hard work? 

I need to value time. This one month shall pass really quick. A month isnt enough if I do not take advantage of it. Look at your friends! They are so eager to gain knowledge, they work really hard to become a good Muslim doctor, day and night studying, tagging with the doctors in the wards, so much competitive to learn, cant you just be like them? 

What have you been learning for this past 5 weeks? 

Do you think it is okay to pass with luck, to learn for the sake of exam, at the end of the day when a patient comes to you, you cant figure out what is really happening, and end up killing them? 

Will I end up being a murderer or a doctor?

Cheer up!

Still have time to change.

:)

Random Sunday

Cepatnya setahun berlalu. Tahun lepas, masa macam ni tengah sibuk revise untuk first professional exam. Cuak gila kot dalam masa sebulan nak habiskan revise dua tahun punya subjects. Study last minute biasalah memanglah tak pernah cukup masa. Blergh. Sekarang tengok adik-adik second year pula study group dekat usrah room. Sikit lagi dik, tak lama lagi welcome to clinical years. 

Lagi 6 minggu je lagi untuk end of posting examination. Last posting sebelum ke 4th year inshaallah. Moga Tuhan permudahkan. Bila fikir balik rasa semua ni rezeki. Kalau tak kerana rezeki yang Tuhan bagi rasanya tak sampai pun ke tahap ni. Serius tiap kali exam tak pernah habis baca. Exam clinical paling cuak sebab kita taktau examiner mana yang kita akan berhadapan. Dapat yang lembut hati itulah yang semua student mahu. 

"Medicine is a crazy course"

Tau takpe. Bapak banyak gila benda yang nak kena tau by heart. Makin banyak belajar makin banyak benda yang taktau. But still, medicine is interesting! Sebab kita belajar pasal the greatest creation of Almighty God. Sebab the greatest creation that it isnt an easy job. 

Lagi sekarang semua benda di hujung jarikan. Manusia pun tak semua sabar. Nampak salah sikit tanpa usul periksa, mulut malas nak tanya, laju je p viralkan sesuatu. I think medical profession isnt a noble job anymore. Dont you think so? Same goes to teachers. 

I think people wont understand till one of their family members become a doctor. What would be happening if one of the anti-vax children, become a doctor, a real doctor? I was just thinking, kalaulah orang-orang yang suka cari salah dokter ni, yang lagi percaya jus mengkudu boleh merawat pelbagai penyakit, if their child happened to be a doctor, would they stop? Oh mungkin juga mereka akan jadi orang pertama yang musnahkan impian anak-anak mereka untuk jadi dokter? 

It is not easy to educate people. Ayah aku sendiri pun antara orang yang suka sangat beli over the counter drug. He said he knows whats best for him. I replied, macam tu baik tak payah hantar anak pergi medical school. He just answered, takpelah kau boleh tolong orang lain. K bah k. Ada je jawapan. Ingat senang nak stop your sister from buying products yang katanya dapat memutihkan kulit dalam masa dua minggu, yang boleh besarkan your boobs and buttock? You think its easy? Sampai satu tahap rasa nak biarkan je. Malas nak cakap apa-apa. You are the one yang akan terkesan di kemudian hari. Not me. Kesannya bukan dapat setahun dua, entah dah tua nanti baru kena. 

Scrolling down the instagram, and found some interesting posts. Seeing people losing weight about 10 kg in  a week isnt right. What kind of ingredients they did put into it? What if it doenst burn your fat, but proteins? Orang sekarang semua nak instant. Trust me, the moment you stop taking it, kau akan jadi lebih gemuk dari sebelumnya. Yelah kang terus consume jadi macam tiang pulak. Bila stop jadi gemuk balik. 

Hmm never mind. Bukan badan aku pun. Nanti kang kena label pengacau periuk nasi orang. So, baik kita diamkan jelah. Dokter juga yang kaya nanti kalau ramai orang sakit hahahahahaha. 

Marah?

Like I care?

Eh tapi bukan mereka-mereka ni dah mengkayakan penjual produk-produk beracun tu ke? Like do they care kalau kau sakit pun? Lagi kau sakit lagi mereka kaya. Yelah kan kau percaya jus mengkudu daripada ubat-ubatan yang dah berbillion duit dilaburkan dan berpuluh tahun research.

Asal jus mengkudu dapat nama ni?

Bleerghhhh.

Ramadhan Kareem!

I choose You!

Aku tengah rasa sedih ni dah masuk episode 51 tapi tak pernah encounter pun scene ni (charmander pun dah jadi charizard) :

Last tengok pokemon masa umur 8 tahun. Tengok balik sebab ada satu hari tu entah siapa entah pegi share dekat timeline aku scene menyedihkan dalam pokemon ni tetiba rasa nak tengok balik. Dan memandangkan umobile p70 sekarang sebulan 15 gb plus free streaming untuk youtube (satu mb pun tak berusik) memang gasaklah aku tengok. Lagi tiba weekend memang susah nak berhenti sebab weekdays kena concentrate benda lain. Tiba weekend rip studies. Hai pokemon. Kah! Kalau mak aku tau aku tengok pokemon lagi ni mesti kena bebel dah kenapa engko ni umur dah 23 tahun pun tak matang lagi. Tu belum kena gelak dengan adik sendiri. Eleh kau pun tengok naruto. Anime isnt for children only. Its for all.

Jadi room mate aku pun dah terikut poem Team Rocket pasal aku tak henti-henti mendeklamasikannya.

"Prepare for trouble"
"Make it double"
"To protect the world from devastation"
"To unite all people within our nation"
"To denounce the evil of truth and love"
"To extend our reach to the stars above"
"Jessy"
"James"
"Team Rocket blasts off at the speed of light"
"Surrender now or prepare to fight"
"Meowth thats right"

Masa 8 tahun dulu haram sepatah apa aku tak faham. Sekarang okay baru tau apa yang dorang ni cakap sebenarnya. K takyah layan apa aku merepek. Tunggu beberap tahun lagi (kalau masih bernyawa) confirm gelak baca tulisan sendiri.

Paling suka part:

"Looks like Team Rocket is blasting off again"
"Tinggg!"

Kalau pokemon ni wujud aku nak satu squittle & satu bulbasaur tapi taknak depa evolve. Sebab kalau evolve nanti dah tak omeyy macam ni. Charmander evolve cepat sangatttt :( Dah tak comel dah.

Kbai pergi study cepat!

Nanti-nanti :)

Day 3 in Medical Posting

Taip selaju mungkin sebab dah masuk maghrib!

Aku rasa aku bodoh gila lepas kelas Prof H. Aku rasa aku patut kambus diri aku dalam tanah bagi ulat makan - Anis

Bukan kau sorang je nis. Aku apatah lagi. Ya tohan dah hari ketiga taktau lagi nak clerk macam mana taktau nak exclude ddx dengan banyaknya benda nak kena baca. Talley o'Connor yang sepatutnya habiskan masa cuti seminggu lepas aku tak habis-habis lagi 10% pun tak sampai.

Tell me how to survive medical posting?

"Kau baca je semua"
"Kau study je bebetul"

Masalahnya aku cepat gila distracted. Distracted sebab BMS tak kuat. Jadi bila nampak sikit benda yang taktau terus rasa nak baca benda lain yelah nak cari juga apa yang aku taktau tu end up habis masa dekat benda tu je. Satu jam tak sampai 5 page pun sebab benda yang aku taktau tu :(

Okay ni proses pembelajaran. Manade buang masa. Kan belajar apa yang kau taktau tu. Takyahlah nak anggap benda tu buang masa. Itulah masa BMS main-main. Masuk clinical tercungap-cungap lagi.

Study je. Pastu doa banyak-banyak. Kalau merungut je kerja memanglah tak jalan apa. Ada lagi 9 minggu untuk fahamkan dan ingat semua ni. Ingat sampai mati. Niat tu bukan untuk pass posting ni je tapi untuk masa-masa akan datang.

Nak compare diri dengan orang lain comparelah tapi jangan down pastu jadikan sebagai batu loncatan biar lagi gigih dan usaha lebih keras untuk setanding orang lain. Kalau orang lain boleh kenapa aku takboleh?

Boleh!

Dah jom hayya ala solah.
Hayya ala falah.

IM

Aku sekarang ni baru nak download CPG untuk posting IM (internal medicine). Tapi bila buka dropbox tetiba nampak ada banyak gila namateyyy CPG pastu tetiba terselit cervical cancer, dah kenapa letaknya dekat sini bukan dekat O&G dah ada ke? terus malas nak download.

Last posting untuk third year. Inshaallah dalam minggu depan dapatlah result exam surgical posting itu hari. Long case aku memuaskan lah short case memang hancur hancur aku :( Lepas tanya diagnosis dokter terus blah. Dan berlakulah episod aku mengejar dokter tapi alangkah sedihnya bila dokter cakap "just go" sobs. Walaupun macam tu masih berharap untuk pass. 

Jadi posting terakhir untuk third year yang akan bermula senin ni ialah internal medicine yang paling killer sekali. Ada banyakkkkkkkkkkkk gila namateyyyyy yang kena tahu dan tiap satunya amatlah penting sekali. Yelah nak jadi dokter semualah penting. 

Azam baru mestilah nak study setiap hari. Output kena lagi banyak daripada input. Input je takde output bila ditanya blank. Aku rasa masalah aku ialah bila aku baca aku tak keluarkan balik sebabtu susah ilmu tu nak retained. Sebab yang aku perasanlah kalau satu benda tu aku ulang-ulang dia senanglah nak ingat walaupun lepastu tak buka buku lagi dah. Yang takde output tu ulang banyak kali pun ya tohan susah bebenor.

Kurangkan merungut!

Lagi 3 minggu nak puasa.

Happy 23rd Birthday S!

May all your wishes come true Sayang.
And thank you for tolerating me, your psychotic girlfriend.
Hihihihihi :)

current feelings

Takut nak exam tapi nak cepat habis.

surgery for elective posting?

Last time, during our bedside teaching, Mr AF told us whoever interested to join surgery for elective posting, inform him asap so that he can plan something for us to do, because he doesnt want us to just be in the ward, clerking, examining the patients, that is not what elective posting supposed to be, Hearing that, it makes me wanted to join surgery as I dont need to think what I should choose. Plus, I didnt have any plan yet. To save money, I thought that I should just do it in my hometown. But, I changed my mind now. Dr just returned our homework on the summary of acute limb ischemia yesterday, and he did like my work :)

"Impressive with a smiley"

Out of 36 students, 10 were selected as the best I guess. From what I heard, he wanted us to make some workbook with a summary and illustration if I am not mistaken. Each one of us will be given a task, and then we need to compile it together into a book. I wasnt there when the class leader met the other 9, I was in other place waiting someone to give me marks for my seminar. In order words, he did offer us to join surgery for elective I guess?? Dont know. But he'll meet us after the examination ends, few days from now.

So now, lets focus on end of posting exam first.
Till then.

:)

memories captured

I used to be very eager in capturing memories using fujifilm instax mini 8 during my first year. But later on, the camera left untouched inside the wardrobe under piles of clothes. Did I get bored already? Probably yes. After months, I finally used it yesterday night. And I started to think of taking as much photos as I could before finishing MBBS so that one day I could look at the photos and reminiscing the old days.

As it is now become more and difficult to get places for housemanship, my lecturers stressed on the importance of porfolio. I did love to write reflections, compiling them together with the result slips , putting them nicely so that the lecturers will be impressed, but now, no more. I should keep on writing. So that later when I've already become a doctor, I could remember how it feels like back then.

So when shall I start then?
Hmm maybe I should buy a new camera, but this time a wide one instax?

Empathy

"Why the patient reluctant to be clerked?"
"..........."
"Why the patient doesn't want to disclose their social history?"
".........."
"Why?"
".........."
"Because you don't have empathy towards the patient. Because you are selfish. You don't think the patient as a whole. You are just interested in their diseases. You don't have interest in them. If I were the patient, I would do the same. I would be reluctant to give you information regarding my condition. I don't want to be clerked by you. You can be doctor, but not a good doctor. You see doctors nowadays, some of them posting about the patients on social networking. You think its good? You shouldn't reveal your patients to public. They have put their trust on you. If they were your close relatives, wouldn't you be mad if some other doctors disclose their information to the public? Wouldn't you be mad when they are just treating the disease but not the patient?"
"..(a punch on my face).."

Those are some advice from Prof N, a consultant surgeon, during bedside teaching yesterday morning.

OK,

-I should correct they way of approaching patients.
-Every time I come into the ward I suppose to pray silently for the patient's health.
-I should not interest in their disease only, that's so selfish. Wouldn't it hurt when someone begins the conversation by asking,

"datang sebab apa pakcik/makcik/uncle/auntie/puan/encik/adik?"

-Next, every time I walk into the ward, I should speak silently in the heart may Allah bless me for all day long, and granted me endless & unforgettable knowledge so that I can apply it in the future when I'm practicing as a physician.

Sure medicine is a lifelong journey that requires a lot of sacrifice, it wont never be easy, but I wont regret it, I have choose this path, I wont look back, I should enjoy every bit moment of it. I just have to work harder and harder.

Oh Allah, ease my way.

still a long way to go

1) Dokter ni memang dari medical student dulu awesome macam ni ke?
2) Takde ke dalam dunia ni consultant ke specialist yang mana masa medical student dulu macam   aku, bila tanya ini taktau itu tak tahu, hmm mesti takde kan?
3) Oh kira akulah medical student yang paling tak pandai sekali dalam dunia ni?
4) So nanti bila aku jadi dokter, jenis dokter macam mana ya aku akan jadi?
5) Sebenarnya aku ni layak ke tak nak jadi dokter ni?
6) Hmm macam tak cukup competent je nak jadi dokter, boleh ke ni?
7) Kenapa banyak gila benda yang aku taktau ni?
8) Kenapa orang lain lagi pandai?
9) Macam mana nak jadi seawesome dokter-dokter ni?

Antara persoalan yang tak terjawab tiap kali lepas bedside teaching dengan dokter-dokter dan kawan-kawan yang awesome.

Hmm jawapan tu sebenarnya ada pada diri sendiri...

Fatty Bambam

#1

"Makkkkkk, baju banyak dah takmuatlah, makin mengecil dan menyendat, sedihlah mak"

"Tulah baju banyak beli saiz S" 

#2

"Sayangggg, kite dah gemuk banyak baju dah tak muat pastu berat dah naik jadi 52kg"

"Tulah cakap orang gemuk lagi padan muka"

#3

"Weiii aku dah gemuk baju masa first year banyak dah tak muat"

"Kau nak kurus macam mana lagi okaylah ni"

Instead of giving me encouragement to get in shape macam dulu-dulu semorang bertindak untuk malas nak layan. Hmm k sobs. Okay takpe I'll make sure before my friend's wedding next month I'll get back my previous body weight of 48kg. Seminggu sekilo takkan tak boleh kan? Positive sikit. Instead of beli baju baru yang lebih besar baik aku turunkan berat badan untuk pakai balik baju-baju yang dah mengetat tu. Satu sebab membazir. Duanya kalau aku beli baju baru yang lebih besar dia akan buat aku leka okay aku tak gemuk lagi so I can eat whatever I want sampailah baju tu mengetat which mungkin masatu macam tong drum dah kot? 

So, I am temporarily you fatty bambam.
Lepasni you can no longer call me that.

Nanti-nanti.
:)

Monolog

Kadang-kadang aku rasa aku macam mengambil kesempatan terhadap Rahmat Allah. Dah dekat nak exam baru minta betul-betul sebelum tu doa acuh tak acuh je, laju je doa, tak menghayati langsung pun. Ah kalau tak kerana pertolongan Allah aku takkan terus berada dekat sini. Aku rasa aku kurang kebergantungan kepada Allah sebab tu tak habis-habis dengan isu insecure dengan orang lain. Tak habis dengan isu rasa diri paling bodoh paling kerdil paling taktau apa-apa. Tak habis isu dengan berperang dengan sifat malas hari-hari dan sering kalinya aku tewas.

Memang rasa tak layak langsung pakai white coat tu sebab ilmu tak banyak mana pun. Kadang rasa macam nak campak white coat ke luar, eh boleh tak aku nak clerk patient tanpa pakai white coat. Takdelah rasa berat sangat tanggungjawab sebagai medical student tu. Medical student ni dalam hospital tu ialah the lowest of the lowest tau. Tapi jalan kemain nak gah lagi ilmu suam-suam kuku, bila doktor tanya taktau. Ya Allah sedihnya dengan diri sendiri. 

Exam yang lepas posting lain semua pass siap ada distinction lagi kecuali posting aku (O&G) yang orang kata senang sangat tu kalau fail peliklah sebab memang jarang sangat orang fail. Group lain dah menyahkan "Fail" tu tapi group aku masih ada, dan tak ada langsung distinction. 

Aku kena kerja kuat lagi ni. Jangan lembik beno. Kena rajin lagi study. Surgical posting (posting sekarang) dah tak ada dah study week. Kalau rasa nak study last minute takpayahlah jadi dokter. Tolonglah jangan main-main lagi. 

Tak cukup malu lagi ke dengan Allah? Boleh hitung berapa banyak je kebaikan yang aku buat, tapi Allah masih tolong. Biarlah usaha tu selaras dengan doa bukan suam-suam kuku je. Doa beria study malas tak guna juga. Macam-macam minta bila dah dapat lupa Allah. Allah tak rugi apa-apa. Akulah yang rugi.

Distinction?

Usaha kuatlah. 

Aku takkan kemana kalau Allah tak tolong. 

Ingat tu. 

Dudupdap

Masanya makin hampir, tinggal dua hari je lagi. Hari dekat-dekat betul nak exam nilah tetiba satu hari boleh cover banyak topik sebab dah under pressure. Masa awal study week itu hari, hmm takpe exam lama lagi lek ah...

Dan akhirnya tinggal lagi dua hari.

Master of procrastination sungguh.

Habis je exam ni, cukuplah dua tahun setengah in medschool. Inshallah kalau takde aral melintang, everything runs smoothly, tinggal lagi dua tahun setengah. Clinical years ni semuanya soal rezeki. Dapatlah examiner strict macam mana pun, dengan banyak benda tak cover, kalau dah Tuhan nak bagi rezeki masatu passlah kau dengan jayanya. Bukan soal kau habis baca ke tak, banyak hafal ke tak. Taktau pun patient jenis apa yang kau akan dapat sampailah time exam je nanti. Dapat patient yang bebetul nak tolong kita, alhamdulliah. Dapat yang tak cooperative, mintalah tukar patient awal-awal.

Moga clinical exam nanti dapat patient yang cooperative gila. Macam mana paeds dulu. Nak nanges rasa baik sangat maknya. Janganlah dapat patient yang kerek. Inshaallah tak :)

Sama macam masa paeds dulu, aku group first exam clinical khamis ni. Pukul 10 pagi dah habis. Sekarang ni nak positif je. Moga segala benda baik yang aku buat selama ni even sekecil zarah pun Tuhan balas dengan kemudahan masa exam nanti.

Amin.

Nanti-nanti.
:)

thru thick and thin

Happy 5th year anniversary, Shahrin.
For many more years to come,
I love you.

:)

Study Week

Tengok meja yang berselerak dengan alat tulis dan buku-buku nampak macam kuat je study padahal ya tohan attention span aku bapak sekejap gila namateyyyyyy. Dua jam study dengan tekunnya (yalah tekun aku tak tengok phone pun masa study kecuali ada perkataan terms dan benda-benda yang memerlukan aku menggoogle, ha) lepastu terdistract sikit je terus landing dengan gembiranya macam takde exam je kan minggu depan ya ampun apa ni jadi ni.

Musim study week ialah musim dimana banyak gila benda yang aku nak buat, nak makan dan nak pergi. Selain study week takde pulak nak mengidam makan itu ini. Masuk study week kalau boleh tiap hari nak keluar cari makan. Aiyoo.

Paling mengidam sekarang nak makan pisang goreng/ sukun cicah sambal kicap. Mana nak cari dekat Kuantan ni? Sobs. Nak balikkkkkkkkkkkkkk! Tapi apakan daya mak kata jangan balik, duduk diam-diam dekat Kuantan study! Nanti balik kerja tidur, tengok tv tak study. Hmm kat sini pun sama mak. Tapi kalau kat rumah lagi teruklah. Macam manalah aku boleh study untuk first professional exam kat rumah dulu? Hmm mysterious sekali. Tunggu final professional nanti, ada berani ke tak nak study dekat rumah. Haa.

Study week juga ialah masa dimana aku banyak berfikir tentang masa depan. Eii betul ke ni nak jadi dokter? Betul ke ni? Lepastu rasa macam nak quit medschool nak kahwin. K tipu je. Gila kau nak quit medschool macam tu je. I love being in medschool. I love learning medicine. Tiap hari belajar benda baru. Sama ada daripada buku, lecturer, kawan, mahupun patients. I love talking to patients! Rasa macam hmm betul ke still nak jadi radiologist ni? Bila dah masuk o&g ni rasa jatuh cinta kepada obstetrics. Tapi tak gynae. Berat sebelah sungguh. Memang, gynae aku bapak teruk gila. Mana tak teruk pemalas nak clerk patient gyne. Okay, esok kita clerk satu patient gynae. Ada 50% possibility untuk dapat case gynae masa exam. Tau tak?! Eii.

Shahrin kata,
"Pelik awak ni amik medik, bukan patutnya busy ke, tapi ada banyak masa ya fikir pasal "kita"?"

Hmm tulah, aku pun pelik.
Bukan patutnya masa aku banyak habis ke buku dan hospital ke?
Hmm.

Okay dah boleh stop buat benda yang lagha and get back to your books!
Nanti-nanti :)

Harabuhji

Semalam waktu tengah berjalan kaki ke hospital dengan Anis, dalam deretan kereta yang tersusun, ada satu kereta Volkswagen Beetle lama, warna kelabu. Aku rasa kereta tu sangatlah menarik perhatian Anis. Anis kata,

"Aku teringin nak ada satu kereta tu"

"Oh aku ada satu dekat rumah"

"Yeke? Cantik"

"Kereta atuk aku"

Perbualan seterusnya mengenai atuk dan kereta.

Waktu awal kahwin dulu, atuk cuma ada basikal. Daripada basikal upgrade ke motorsikal. Sweet jugalah bila bayangkan atuk dengan nenek bersama ke sana ke mari dengan basikal/motor. Lepastu fikir balik kesian atuk kena kayuh kot kot nenek berat ke. Kah! Kalau terpaksa jalan jauh tu, naiklah kenderaan awam macam bas ke teksi ke. 

Anak dah masuk 3 pun (mak aku), masih dengan motorsikal. Mengikut cerita atuk, satu hari mak minta atuk kereta. Waktu tu mak kecil lagi dalam usia budak-budak sekolah rendah.

"Abah, adik nak kereta"

Lalu atuk pun belikanlah mak kereta mainan.

"Abah, adik nak kereta betul bukan kereta mainan"

Aku taktaulah betul ke takkan cerita atuk ni (haha) tapi mungkin selepas fikir masak-masak tentang keluarga yang makin lama makin besar atuk pun buat keputusan untuk beli sebuah kereta. Masatu kereta murah je. Barang murah, tapi duit tak banyak. Atuk beli Volkswagen Beetle second hand dengan harga yang bagi aku murahlah nak dibandingkan dengan sekarang (dalam RM5k tak silap aku). Tapi zaman tu RM5k besar. Ke lagi murah tah, eii lupa! 

Maka bergembiralah emak dapat kereta takyah naik motor lagi pergi sekolah yay! 

Sekarang kereta tu dah nak masuk 40 tahun. Ada lagi dekat rumah. Tak guna sangat sebab atuk dah ada kereta lain. Sekarang guna untuk ke kebun saja oleh abah. Ada je orang datang rumah dengan RM30k (cash) nak beli kereta tu. Tapi atuk taknak, for sentimental reason. 

Aku tinggal dengan atuk dari aku merah lagi. Sampailah sekarang. Jadi senang kata aku membesar dengan kereta tulah. Itulah kereta yang atuk guna untuk hantar aku ke sekolah bila hujan. Aku benci gila hujan. Kalau boleh nak hari-hari panas. Sebab apa? Sebab kalau hari hujan terpaksalah naik kereta ke sekolah lepastu kena ejek dengan kawan sebab naik kereta katak. Sobs :(

"Atuk, tadikan dekat sekolah kawan ejek naik kereta katak :("

"Alah biarlah kawan tu, yang ejek tu pun belum tentu ada kereta, entah naik motor je"

Memang pun. Dahlah naik motor buruk pastu payung lubang-lubang sukati je ejek aku (statement jahat gila babi) 

Tolonglah ya Tuhan jangan turunkan hujan harini (doa aku hari-hari)

Tapi sekarang aku antara orang yang sebolehnya taknak kereta tu dijual mahupun diserahkan kepada cucu-cucu atau anak yang lain. Dalam kepala aku, nanti-nanti bila dah kerja, dah ada duit aku nak modify kereta tu sampai cantik. Kereta dah lamakan takboleh jalan jauh. Yang bestnya tak makan minyak. Tapi itulah nak cari barang sparepart tu susah sebab kereta lama. 

Okay rindu atuk :(

Sekarang atuk dah 84 tahun. 

Teringat masa kecil-kecil dulu berebut nak tidur sebelah nenek dengan atuk. Nenek hari-hari tidur bawah, temankan aku, jadi tidurlah atuk sorang-sorang di atas. Teringat bila bangun tidur (waktu kecil dulu umur dalam 4/5 tahun), nenek sapu rambut dengan minyak zaitun, buat simpulan bun. Aku pun panjat ke katil nak bermanja dengan atuk. Paling geli bila atuk letak tangan aku ke misai dan jambang yang baru lepas cukur. Rindunya zaman dulu. Lepas nenek siap simpul bun, aku minta nenek piggyback ke dapur. Kesian nenek tak larat cucu berat benor.

Ke dapur, sarapan sama-sama. Tak lama lepastu, atuk keluar beli barang dapur. Tiap kali atuk keluar beli barang dapur, atuk tak pernah lupa untuk beli gula-gula. Sekarang atuk dah tak kuat sangat, bila cuti, aku yang gantikan tempat atuk. Eii sedihnya bila flashback ni. Rasa nak terbang balik rumah sekarang juga nak peluk atuk & nenek kuat-kuat.

Akulah yang paling dekat sekali dengan atuk&nenek. Memang akulah cucu paling disayangi (kah!). Walaupun atuk &nenek kata sayang semua sama rata, aku tahu akulah yang paling mereka sayang. Confident level bapak tinggi gila. Haha. 

"Agaknya bila kau konvo nanti atuk ada lagi ke tak ya?"

"Agaknya nanti bila kau kahwin, dapat tak atuk tengok?"

(K sedih dengar)

Mestilah boleh tuk! Atuk ada lagi 16 tahun untuk hidup. 

Atuk cerita ada dokter yang rawat atuk cakap,

"Jangan risau pakcik, pakcik boleh hidup sampai 100 tahun"

Walaupun tahu itu tak benar, tapi dia buat atuk rasa gembira. 

"Nanti dah jadi dokter, jadi dokter yang baik. Layan pesakit baik-baik. Cakap elok-elok dengan orang tua. Jaga bahasa, jaga adab. Selalu senyum walaupun penat"

Sedihlahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh nak balik nak peluk cium atuk :(

Nanti-nanti.

:)

So hi 2016

I think it is not too late for new year wishes.

May 2016 brings a lot of joy to us and may us all achieve whatever we want in life.

So, cheers man!

I'm turning 23 this year.

Oh God I'm getting older. I need to act like an adult and stop being childish. More positive and mature this year. 

I have another two weeks left before study weeks begins and I still have lots of procedure unchecked. I didn't have a chance yet to observe hysterectomy, manual placenta removal, paps smear and colposcopy. Talking to my friend, Dayah this afternoon about how Malaysian women nowadays tried so hard to become white, skinny and pretty by consuming supplements that they don't even aware of the ingredients being used. I'm not saying that all this products are bad. Hmm well technically maybe yes? It is not right to see people becoming fair and fairer within a month of consuming certain products. More worse within two weeks the effects already showing. What if the ingredients contain hormones like estrogen? Yes hormones makes you pretty. Makes your skin becomes flawless. But too much hormones destroy you. You might get estrogen dependent diseases like endometriosis, adenomyosis or worse endometrial cancer. People wont care until they finally suffered. Good for future medical students, they get to see hysterectomy daily. I am being sarcastic right now. 

I think most of the products act to block the production of melanin. Melanin is a pigment that gives us the color of the hair, skin and eyes. It is a black pigmentation. We need melanin for protection against UV damage. Please read more on melanin. Albino a type of disease that lack of melanin production. You see how white they are. They cant even go out to see the sun like us. They have to wear so much protection before going out. I'm afraid this products will later make you suffer from skin cancer. At this young reproductive age you wont get it. Wait till you menopause. Women are bless by God with hormones that protect us all from many kind of diseases. But it only works throughout the reproductive age. That is why it is hard to see young people with chronic diseases. Take care of your health since now. Don't wait until you become old. 

Do some research before buying cheap products that claim you can get prettier by consuming it for weeks. I am not saying expensive products is good. Don't get me wrong. Consult a dermatologist or trusted skincare consultant first. I don't understand why people tend to believe fake doctor than a real doctor. They just want your money. They don't ever bother what's gonna happen to you later. 

Hmm being a dermatologist sounds great ha. 

2016 is the 5th year being together with Shahrin yeay!

May God cherish us with happiness now and forever.

At this point of time, I just want to finish my studies on time and get a job.

I just want us to be happy, together.

Till then.
:)