Sunday, April 29, 2018

fast forward 5 months

It's been a while.

The reason why I didn't bother to blog for a long period is because I was trying to recover from my failure. The thing is I failed my third posting, internal medicine. For 5 years in medical school I never ever failed in any postings or blocks. This was my first time. My mom said I always get what I want that's why I at lost, I cried so bad, till I couldn't utter any words out of my mouth. My parents were terrified as if I'm going to do something worst. I guess I've already move on. Before, I always said that I'm so much comfortable with myself, I'm in comfort zone, I always passed no matter how playful I was, how not serious I was with the postings, I didn't study much, I loved sleeping and wasting my time. After my failure, I was too afraid to fail another posting, I got two more after internal medicine which are paediatrics and o&g. Fail another one, I have to repeat a year while my friends already graduated and being a doctor. I'm so not gonna make that happen. So what happened after that? 

I changed. I studied hard than before. I made notes. I participated well in class. I pray a lot. I've mentioned in my previous posts how my dependence toward God was lacking. Not anymore. I sought strength, patience, and guidance from Him. I know to Him can I only rely on. When no one can help you, it's 1-1 between you and your Creator. I cried in my prayer. I was lost. Few days back, deputy dean called me to his office pertaining to this issue. He asked me how do I feel now? I'm glad that I failed Prof. If not I'll still be in my comfort zone. "But only once". Yes Prof, only once, no more after this. Inshallah with His help, I'm going to sit on final professional exam this July and graduate as a medical doctor in August 2018. Inshallah. I will work harder in my final posting, o&g which will begin in May. I had my exam last Monday & Tuesday. Truth be told, I never felt at ease like that. God helps me a lot. He ease everything. I think that was the smoothest clinical exam I ever had. Inshallah I will continue my hard work and seeking Him like I'm doing now. I crossed into my friend's instastory and it's really touched my heart, 

"When it's bad, pray, when it's good, pray"

Allah. I think I'm an ungrateful creation. For all the things He have done, I hmmm :( I would like to thank to all people who are there when I needed the most. Less than 3 months left for final professional exam, and 50 days + for end of o&g exam, it is my ultimate wish to pass it all and graduate together as a medical doctor with my fellow comrades this coming August. 

Whoever reading this post, please pray for me.
May Allah bless you guys.

Monday, January 1, 2018

it's 2018 bebeyyhh


I just woke up from sleep at 4 am. This is very usual of me to sleep as early as 8 pm and wake up while everyone is still sleeping soundly (only happen in Kuantan). I prefer to sleep late and be awakened by mom every single morning when I'm home (but lately my biological clock alerts me that it's already 6:20 am, so wake up sleepyhead!) I missed home already. The best thing about living with grandparents is that, if your momma couldnt make your favorite dishes, they will, if your father couldnt bring you durian home, they will. I had fun collecting durian with them last weekend. This year is their 60th year being together :) #relationshipgoal

My ultimate goal for 2018 is to pass final professional exam in July and graduate on time as a doctor, in August. First, I need to pass these 3 postings ahead which are medical, paediatrics and o&g. I hope I get posted to the nearest hospital from home as soon as possible after I graduated. Getting married or engaged is not in the list, but if, I say if there is possibility of it, why not? Please God ease everything for me. 

Okay then, bye. 

Saturday, December 30, 2017


What are the things that you have achieved/ done in 2017? Hmm flashback mood on:
Let's turn on the music first, 

In January, I did specialized posting, if not mistaken dermatology and orl-hns. I needed to go to dermatology clinic like every single day for 2 weeks except Friday. I learnt things from books and clinic, I got to see severe psoriasis involving the scalp, hands, legs, back and abdomen, ichthyosis vulgaris, a condition in which the skin looks like fish's skin when the skin doesnt shed off the dead skin cells, leprosy, wartz, and other cases that I thought I only can see them in the book. During orl-hns, I guess I really enjoyed this posting so much. I loved the environment in this department. At that moment, I think of being an orl-hns surgeon sounded cool too. Well, that is what happen when I feel belong and attach to the department's environment. 

Born in February makes me a February baby. In early February, after orl-hns, I then did ophthalmology followed by anesthesiology. Ophthalmology was the killer among all postings in specialized posting. I did so bad in exam. Seriously. And I think I didnt enjoy that posting so much. Because of the environment I guess. And the topics were quite difficult. Plus my one fault for not revising religiously. Anesthesiology, hmmm like other postings that I enjoyed, I did wanted to become an anesthesiologist once. My birthday falls at the end of the month. This year was different that previous years, because Shahrin's mother did sent me birthday wishes kbai.

Moving to March, I had my exam, then went to Hospital Melaka for forensic posting for a week. This was not my first time seeing cadaver's body being dissected one by one. My first experience was during my third year, when I was in paediatrics posting. While waiting for occupational therapy patient, as I heard announcement "white code" my friends and I ran to the morgue. And since there was no houseman around, we got to assist the doctor dissecting the body. For the first time ever, I got to touch a human's brain. In Melaka, we got to see few forensic cases. Apart from that, the doctors also taught us about suicidal, homicidal, abuse, rape and drown cases, how wound of different characters looked like, and how to estimate the duration from the actual time of death from maggots. 

Okay right after I finished with forensics posting, I flew to Seoul, South Korea. It was my first time being there, and second time being abroad. It was early spring so the flowers were not blooming yet. It was really cold. I bet if we go there in January I wont able to go out because of the coldness. I cannot stand too much cold. What I missed the most, of course the weather, though it was cold, I like it because my make up stayed still till the evening and my skin looked brighter, not oily and hmm the korean food, its wayyyy different from Seoul Garden especially the kimchi. I would like to be here again one day. 

My April begins with Family Medicine posting. I was posted to Klinik Kesihatan Balok. Again, at that moment, I wanted to become a family medicine specialist. I heard that the passing rate of family medicine is quite low. Out of 10 candidates, usually only 4 passed. Whoever passed within 4 years at the first try consider lucky/genius. Seriously. To become a family medicine specialist, one should know at least everything of everything. Sounds complicated. Absolutely. I ended my April with seeing Shahrin after 6 months didnt see each other hihi. God I missed him so much. 

Then came May. In May I had my last posting as a 4th year medical student which is Community Medicine. In this posting, we needed to carry out a mini research within 5 weeks, hmm its more realistic to call it survey rather than research I think. Hmm I already forgot the topic, but we proposed quite few topics before finally being approved by our supervisor. To thank the participants we did hold an event where there were talk on obesity, health screening and sukaneka for the kids. Ha the most memorable thing in this posting is that we were posted to Jerantut for 3 days followed by Kampung Bantal for 2 days. We need to cross Sungai Pahang to go to Kampung Bantal, about 1-2 hours journey by boat. Like a child who never sees the stream, we did main air, simbah menyimbah antara satu sama lain hahahaha. 

Whats happened in June? Hmm exam, puasa, and raya. Ha as I passed my last posting which is Community Medicine, I then did elective posting, a requirement to get into final year of medical school for 6 weeks from July till August. My team completed a book for vascular surgery. Nothing much to be told throughout the posting since I just did my job, staying in mahallah, sometimes went out for air. 

Finally, at the end of August, I began my final year with surgical posting. I already wrote on my surgical journey thought its not much, in my previous post. Not going to repeat that. I DID GET TESTICULAR CANCER FOR MY LONG CASE!!! The case that Ive never clerked before. Luckily the examiner gave me 51/55. Thank you Dr,even I gave you such a rubbish answers. 8 weeks in surgical posting, ended in October. During interposting holiday, we went to Cameron Highlands, it was my first time and gonna be my last time too. Looks good in picture but hmm too crowded with people and biasa je kot. Kbai. But I like the weather hihi.

In November, I was posted to psychiatry posting. At the first place, I never knew that I would fall in love in psychiatry. And again, I wanted to be a psychiatrist. This is my current ambition for now, though it was quite confusing at the beginning. I didnt know how to stop talkative patient from keep on talking and how to make a quite patient speaks. 

The posting was just ended a week ago, in December. I got the exam's result yesterday. Alhamdulliah I passed. But I'm quite sad because I didnt managed to get distinction. I'm quite confident with this posting actually, but turned out I did bad in my exam. For long case, I got panic disorder with agoraphobia, clinic cases that I'm not so familiar with. My mistake for not clerking clinic cases frequently. Too much focus on ward cases like schizophrenia, bipolar disorder and also major depressive disorder. I hope I do well in the next posting which is internal medicine. 

So good bye 2017 for good. 
I'm really looking forward for 2018 because good things are about to happen. 

With that,



Saturday, December 16, 2017

life update?

Hello December?
2018 is approaching in half month time. How's life? Hmm okay je kot? 
Exam in 36 hours. Dah panic gila namateyy dah niii. I really really hope for passing this posting with flying colors, ameen. There's so much things Ive learnt throughout this 7 weeks and I really enjoyed psychiatry posting really much. I'm thinking of psychiatry as one of specialty that I want to pursue later. Maybe sebab environment kot. Selain minat, environment pun memainkan peranan gak. Contohnya macam posting ni, lecturers begitu dekat dengan students and the sense of belongings to ada. 

I'm looking forward for 2018 because best things are about to happen. So much wishes I have for 2018. Graduate from medschool, 60th anniversary of atuk & nenek, convocation, travelling abroad with friends, etc. May Allah ease each of it. Prof N once said whatever it is, we have to have strong faith in ourself and also our Creator. No matter how impossible it may seems, inshallah with His help it will happen. Like macam sekarang ni ada benda yang I really want it to happen by next year, takde plan pun lagi, but somehow I have faith in it. Moga Tuhan mudahkan. 

Back in Seoul. 
Rasa nak nangeslah sekarang baca tak habis-habis lagi niiii. iDie. Cant I just sleep and wake up being brilliant enough? Zzzz. 

Thursday, November 9, 2017

a reflection

Rasa macam fikiran sekarang tengah preoccupied dengan banyak benda. Yang ambil space paling besar sekali of course medical school. Aku rasa lately balik-balik cakap pasal postings, exams, case presentations, balik-balik benda yang sama. K rasa dah lama gila tak really enjoy tengok movie, hangout dengan kawan semua. Tak ingat last bila. Sekarang kehidupan seharian bangun tidur, pergi hospital, clerk patients, attend classes/seminars/case presentations, balik oncall takpun tidur. And the cycle keep on going. Macam boring kan? But this is the life Ive chosen since 6 years ago. Tak pernah pun rasa menyesal. Cuma bila tiba time pms ni, ataupun tengah serabut dengan banyak hal mesti terkenang, mesti rasa macam aku ni sebenarnya layak ke tak in medical field? Macam mana boleh pass selama ni, banyak yang dah kelaut dah lupa, and then nak final professional in few months time lagi. Lagi anxious. Jadi takut dengan reality. And kadang-kadang ada hal-hal yang aku takyah concern pun atau bahasa mudahnya takyah kisah langsung, tapi aku duk fikir blerghhhh. Macam hello your concern right now is medical school okay? Nak jadi doctor by August 2018 ni. Lagi berapa bulan je lagi. 

Maybe I should keluar weekend ni enjoy myself instead of staying in mahallah. Duduk je dalam bilik bukan study sangat pun, tidur, gosip, tengok movie gaks. Aku respect gila orang yang boleh stay focus on their goals, studyyyy je. Macam tak penat langsung. I guess thats why sometimes students take illegal things to boost up their energy. You know substances abuse. As long as they can stay focus. Which is not good lah. Its real bad. Harooooooooooom. And maybe juga I should stop comparing myself with others. Boleh tak focus dekat diri sendiri je? Lantaklah dekat orang lain pun. Kenapa kena nak rasa sedih bila tengok orang lain gembira, orang lain senang? Lepastu start rasa eii tak bestnya life aku. Like seriously? Kan dah insult diri sendiri tu. Okay ni sesi reflection and muhasabah diri sendiri. I do this often, time to time bila dah start rasa macam nilah. I cannot describe the exact thing I feel right now. Susah nak explain. 

I need to keep on saying positive things to myself and thats good. Contoh macam youre so pretty. Youre so beautiful in any angle pun, dari depan, sisi or belakang. Why? Sebab my face doesnt look good from side view. So I tend to take pictures from front angle only. Nampak tak self insult kat situ? I really shouldnt do this. I always tell my family and close friends, by 30 years old I will go for laser therapy for my acne scars. 30 sebab masatu inshallah dah stable, dah ada kerjaya. Tak orang yang flawless takde scars takkan faham. I miss the time during my first year takyah pakai pape pun dekat muka sebelum pegi kelas. Sekarang kena pakai memacam sebab taknak nampak red spots, yang scars tu memang tak boleh nak buat papelah. You see benda-benda macam ni maybe nampak simple kat orang lain, macam hek eleh takyah nak risau sangat kot. Tunggu sampai kau duduk dekat tempat aku, apa rasa, kawan-kawan semua flawless, no need make up to cover up, takde lekuk, muka daripada tepi cantik je. At some points, mesti rasa insecured, low self esteem. 

Luckily this thoughts tak affect functioninglah in terms of personal, occupational and social. Takdelah sepanjang masa tiap masa nak fikir nak rasa insecure down macam ni. Certain times lah. Macam sekarang ni. Triggered lepas tengok orang cantik hahahahhahah kbai. I know the only things that can make me happy is myself. Siapa lagi? Thats why I keep on saying to myself that I'm pretty enough, I'm good enough, and many other positive words. Dahlah cantik, nak jadi doktor lagi by August 2018, pastu baik, tak selfish. Macam beauty with brain gitu. Sounds quite arrogant, tapi thats the way I keep myself from going down. Thats how I talk to my dear self. I think semorang ada their own ways to motivate themselves. Bila rasa diri tak cantik bila tengok cermin, I'll talk to myself that I'm pretty, there is still someone out that still wants me and loves me though ramai lagi yang cantik kat luar sana, because cantik is not the first priority to choose a soulmate, and of course if you already love that one person, orang kata dia hodoh pun kau rasa cantik, and I have other good qualities. 

Till then,