Friday, June 23, 2017

because i havent write for so long time, and i miss my blog real much and yes i am going to read this months/years from now cause i love my own writings

Honestly, I love reading my own writings. Thats the reason why I decided to write again. I'm not saying that my writings are good, I just love the memories I kept inside in each writings. I realized that I didnt write much during my specialized postings, and none of family medicine and community medicine posting. I really regretted that. I should write more and more. 

I already finished major postings in Year 4; orthopedics, specialized, family medicine and community medicine. I am now currently in psychiatric posting. Just an introduction for 2 weeks before really going into the posting in final year (inshallah my final year of medicine started in end of August). Out of all postings in Year 4, I really enjoyed family medicine. I dont know, maybe because of the environment. I love going to Klinik Kesihatan. I love the way the lecturers taught us. I love the things that Id learnt throughout the posting. I already emitted radiology as the specialty that I want to pursue later. Compared to family medicine, it is wayyyyyy too boring ya know. I want to involved in managing patients both non-pharmacology and pharmacology therapy. I love talking to patients. Though sometimes, I felt it is quite depressing after being rejected by patients (they dont want to be clerked by medical student, penatlah asyik nak cerita je katanya), but still, I loveeeeeee it! 

Heard that there are 5 distinction students for community medicine. Very small number compared to previous groups. They got up to 15 distinction students. I hope its not finalized yet. Please add more numbers of distinction. And I hope I'm one of it. Because you know, now just one distinction you already got 4.00 for cgpa. We in medical school do not have pointers, its either pass/fail or distinction which means gila cemerlanglah. Not remember where I got this information, probably from 1/2 lecturers. Tak ingat. 

Lets talk about relationship. 
I made a lot of mistakes, stupid-avoidable-back-then-were-reversible-but-now-maybe-irreversible, and hurt him much. I wrote million times, I thought zillions, negative thoughts really kills you. My negative thoughts made it worse, add up my tongue for just spitting anything going inside my mind without even thinking, look now, he loves you less. It hurts me much. But hey you deserve it kan? He told me many times back then, "kita takut kalau satu hari nanti kita dah tak tahan, kita takut satu hari nanti "kita" dah takde bukan sebab orang lain, tapi sebab diri awak sendiri". Serve you rightlah. Even after all of this, he still gives me chance :( He gives himself time chance to love me like the old days. Okay sedih. Mana nak dapat lelaki macam ni, but never appreciate kan? Dah jadi macam ni gelabah gila namatey takut kena tinggal. Memang takut sebab I dont think theres other man that can bare with me like him. That can love me the way he does. I really hope after some time, we'll be back together like the old days. Berapa kali janji nak berubah? I promised him a lot. But after some time, I'm back to the old me. Fulled with negatives vibes. With negatives thinking and negative words. 

"Perempuan kena faham, lelaki kena sayang"

He loves me a lot, only that he doesnt express it much only on certain occasions. But I know, when I meet him, the way he looks at me, the way he talks to me, its love. I ever asked him why after many times I hurt him, he still loves me? 

"Sebab kite sayang" 
Tu je, sebab sayang. Sebab lelaki kena sayang. Buatlah macam mana pun, kalau dah sayang tahan juga. Sebab tu dia still gave me chance. Even dah kurang, tapi sayang tu still ada. It hurts me much bila dia cakap dah tak macam dulu. But I really deserved it. 

"perempuan kena faham"
But I never faham him. Takdelah tak faham langsung. Kadang-kadang malas nak faham. Ego banyak sangat. Padanlah muka dia dah tak sayang macam dulu :( Banyak kali dah bagitau, banyak kali dah cakap jangan macam ni, tapi buat juga. Sekarang baru gelabah. He wont be there forever kalau perangai kau ni tak ubah, faham tak? Hmm. He got his own limit. Berapa kali dah dia bagitau dia dah nak sampai limit, dah nak sampai, tapi sebab you know, I know he loves me, he wont leave, buat lagi, tengok sekarang apa dah jadi? Hm. Sedih dengan diri sendiri. 

6 years + in a relationship. With many ups and downs. Never about third person, but my tongue, my thought, my words. I really hope theres still possibility for him to love me like the old days. I miss you sayang :( We still contact each other, texting, calling, its just that the feeling isnt the same. His feeling. He is struggling to love me like before. Means that we're still fighting for each other. I think its normal untuk relationship yang dah lama rasa macam ni. Sebab I once rasa hambar, bosan juga. But then the feelings came back. I love him much. I really do. We both sayangkan relationship yang dah 6 tahun ni. Siapa tak sayang dah lama kot? Dia ada 2 consequences je, sama ada memang dah tak boleh go langsung, we break up, or the love will eventually grows stronger than before. 

I really hope for the second. 
Grows even stronger than before. Inshallah. Dah jangan buat/cakap benda yang dia tak suka lagi boleh?

"No matter what challenges might carry us apart, we will always find the way back to each other"