Friday, June 23, 2017

because i havent write for so long time, and i miss my blog real much and yes i am going to read this months/years from now cause i love my own writings

Honestly, I love reading my own writings. Thats the reason why I decided to write again. I'm not saying that my writings are good, I just love the memories I kept inside in each writings. I realized that I didnt write much during my specialized postings, and none of family medicine and community medicine posting. I really regretted that. I should write more and more. 

I already finished major postings in Year 4; orthopedics, specialized, family medicine and community medicine. I am now currently in psychiatric posting. Just an introduction for 2 weeks before really going into the posting in final year (inshallah my final year of medicine started in end of August). Out of all postings in Year 4, I really enjoyed family medicine. I dont know, maybe because of the environment. I love going to Klinik Kesihatan. I love the way the lecturers taught us. I love the things that Id learnt throughout the posting. I already emitted radiology as the specialty that I want to pursue later. Compared to family medicine, it is wayyyyyy too boring ya know. I want to involved in managing patients both non-pharmacology and pharmacology therapy. I love talking to patients. Though sometimes, I felt it is quite depressing after being rejected by patients (they dont want to be clerked by medical student, penatlah asyik nak cerita je katanya), but still, I loveeeeeee it! 

Heard that there are 5 distinction students for community medicine. Very small number compared to previous groups. They got up to 15 distinction students. I hope its not finalized yet. Please add more numbers of distinction. And I hope I'm one of it. Because you know, now just one distinction you already got 4.00 for cgpa. We in medical school do not have pointers, its either pass/fail or distinction which means gila cemerlanglah. Not remember where I got this information, probably from 1/2 lecturers. Tak ingat. 

Lets talk about relationship. 
I made a lot of mistakes, stupid-avoidable-back-then-were-reversible-but-now-maybe-irreversible, and hurt him much. I wrote million times, I thought zillions, negative thoughts really kills you. My negative thoughts made it worse, add up my tongue for just spitting anything going inside my mind without even thinking, look now, he loves you less. It hurts me much. But hey you deserve it kan? He told me many times back then, "kita takut kalau satu hari nanti kita dah tak tahan, kita takut satu hari nanti "kita" dah takde bukan sebab orang lain, tapi sebab diri awak sendiri". Serve you rightlah. Even after all of this, he still gives me chance :( He gives himself time chance to love me like the old days. Okay sedih. Mana nak dapat lelaki macam ni, but never appreciate kan? Dah jadi macam ni gelabah gila namatey takut kena tinggal. Memang takut sebab I dont think theres other man that can bare with me like him. That can love me the way he does. I really hope after some time, we'll be back together like the old days. Berapa kali janji nak berubah? I promised him a lot. But after some time, I'm back to the old me. Fulled with negatives vibes. With negatives thinking and negative words. 

"Perempuan kena faham, lelaki kena sayang"

He loves me a lot, only that he doesnt express it much only on certain occasions. But I know, when I meet him, the way he looks at me, the way he talks to me, its love. I ever asked him why after many times I hurt him, he still loves me? 

"Sebab kite sayang" 
Tu je, sebab sayang. Sebab lelaki kena sayang. Buatlah macam mana pun, kalau dah sayang tahan juga. Sebab tu dia still gave me chance. Even dah kurang, tapi sayang tu still ada. It hurts me much bila dia cakap dah tak macam dulu. But I really deserved it. 

"perempuan kena faham"
But I never faham him. Takdelah tak faham langsung. Kadang-kadang malas nak faham. Ego banyak sangat. Padanlah muka dia dah tak sayang macam dulu :( Banyak kali dah bagitau, banyak kali dah cakap jangan macam ni, tapi buat juga. Sekarang baru gelabah. He wont be there forever kalau perangai kau ni tak ubah, faham tak? Hmm. He got his own limit. Berapa kali dah dia bagitau dia dah nak sampai limit, dah nak sampai, tapi sebab you know, I know he loves me, he wont leave, buat lagi, tengok sekarang apa dah jadi? Hm. Sedih dengan diri sendiri. 

6 years + in a relationship. With many ups and downs. Never about third person, but my tongue, my thought, my words. I really hope theres still possibility for him to love me like the old days. I miss you sayang :( We still contact each other, texting, calling, its just that the feeling isnt the same. His feeling. He is struggling to love me like before. Means that we're still fighting for each other. I think its normal untuk relationship yang dah lama rasa macam ni. Sebab I once rasa hambar, bosan juga. But then the feelings came back. I love him much. I really do. We both sayangkan relationship yang dah 6 tahun ni. Siapa tak sayang dah lama kot? Dia ada 2 consequences je, sama ada memang dah tak boleh go langsung, we break up, or the love will eventually grows stronger than before. 

I really hope for the second. 
Grows even stronger than before. Inshallah. Dah jangan buat/cakap benda yang dia tak suka lagi boleh?



"No matter what challenges might carry us apart, we will always find the way back to each other"
Mudah-mudahan. 

:( 

Saturday, May 20, 2017

I miss Seoul already

What I do miss the most about Seoul is its weather & also the scenery.
I wish I could turn back time and stay there for a longer period.


  

Friday, February 17, 2017

abbreviation

Day 4 of life in anaesthesiology.

Awal gila anaest ni datang. Even dah keluar seawal jam 710 pagi, sampai di hospital, siap tukar baju semua dalam jam 735 pagi, anaest dah ada lama terpacak dalam OT prepare drugs untuk surgery yang akan berlangsung. Pukul berapa mereka ni sampai ya? 

Dah 4 hari dalam anaesthesiology, dah pandailah sikit bawa diri. Tolong benda-benda kecil contohnya macam pasangkan ecg, spo2, prepare drip, masukkan branula, manual ventilation, masukkan oropharyngeal airway dan juga dilute drugs. 

Jadi semalam, ada emergency lower segment caeserian section due to fetal distress. Sebelum patient masuk, aku buat-buat rajin tolong doktor dilute drugs.

"Nak tolong ke?"
"Aah"
"Okay dik, kau ambil syringe 3cc ni kau masukkan suxamethonium (a depolarising muscle relaxant, atau nama lainnya succinylcholine), lepastu kau tulis nama dia"

 Dalam hati, syringe kecil marker kemain gedabak muat ke nak tulis penuh dengan concentrationnya lagi? Jap ada tak short form untuk drug ni, aku tanya dalam hati. 

"Hmm doktor, takde shortcut ke?"

Omg what was I just saying, shortcut? Gila memang doktor akan salah faham yang aku ni pemalas nauzubillah nak tulis nama drug tu.

"Hmm takde shortcut dik, kau tulis je"

Memang doktor dah salah faham. Matilahnakkkk bad impression dah ke aku. Pemalas sungguh budak ni. Aku dengan muka yang awkward (mana dia nampak muka aku pun, aku pakai mask) siapkan kerja aku dan cepat-cepat blah.

"Terima kasih dik"
Serius dalam kepala, tak terfikir pun short form ke abbreviation ke, boleh pula shortcut yang keluar? Ya ampun. Alah hal kecil je pun. Hihihi

So nanti, bila tiba masa aku untuk jadi houseman, antara anaesthesiology & emergency, aku maybe akan pilih anaest. Takutlah nak kerja dekat ED. Harap-harap ada banyak kekosongan nanti.



Moga Tuhan permudahkan lagi 2 minggu nak exam, lepastu ke Melaka untuk forensic posting, dan hai dae han min guk ten ten ten ten ten hihiihii :) 






Tuesday, February 14, 2017

for the next 9 days

Being diagnosed with acne vulgaris, I was prescribed with 6 month course of oral doxycycline, together with topical retinoid and benzyol peroxide (up till the acnes vanished). I stopped applying the topical cream about couple of months ago since I didnt need them anymore. I went to Dr Ryna for chemical peeling twice. Thank God I found the suitable moisturizer for me, which is gel moisturizer, the cream one isnt good for me because it increases the sebum production making my face looks oily and increase the susceptibility for acne growth. I changed my mindset in which seafood doesnt cause any harm but my mindset yes. Now I can eat seafood happily without being afraid that the acnes will come back. Our mindset really plays a big role. Always be positive.

I can wear make up anytime I want, just make sure the brushes are clean, remove the make up with make up remover, dont leave any stain, dont go to sleep without cleaning the face, just dont. The only thing that matters now is my pitted acne scars. From what I've learnt only superficial scars can be treated using dermabrasion or chemical peeling but the deepers scars need to be treated by laser which cost thousands. I will continue go for chemical peeling. I believe that scars fade by time.

Referring to the title, yeay 9 days left and I dont need to take the antibiotics anymore. The next 7 days, I cam finally donate my blood. I am thinking of donating of organs once I die. I am so motivated by the uncle that donated his blood to 17 needy patients and finally had the chance to see them. I wish I can be more than that.



I really hope this is the end of my acnes story.
2012-2016.


Sunday, February 12, 2017

momma




I hope for every pain that mom endure for me, for every sacrifice she made for me, for every ringgit she wasted for me, for every sweats, for  every sleepless night worrying about me, for everything, may Allah grants her the highest place in heaven.

I love you mom.

Love, 
Your first born.


Monday, February 6, 2017

6 years and counting




"Awak rasa tahun depan ada "kita" lagi tak?"
"Mestilah ada"
"Tahun-tahun akan datang?"
"Ada juga"
"Kalau takde?"
"Inshallah ada"

Sunday, February 5, 2017

...............



Hi dear self,
If you dont study now, you wont get the job, or you might get the job but you'll be the rotten eggs, you'll put patient in danger, after 2-4 years of contract you will be terminated.

Life is getting harder. Years before we're being told that doctors are secured job. Not anymore. There are too much rotten eggs up up there, on the higher hierarchy but the government couldnt do nothing, then they came out with the solution of contract workers during housemanship & 2 years of mo-ship. And we are the one who's being affected by the rotten eggs. 

So dont add up more rotten eggs, because this time you will be expelled straight away.



Tuesday, January 17, 2017

may God bless

Perasaan bila sakit hati yang kau pendam dah lama menggunung, tapi kau tak mampu nak luahkan pada pihak yang terlibat sebab kau tahu kau takkan menang, perit gila. Balik-balik yang tua kena beralah, yang muda ni pentingkan diri betul ya? Inilah bila semua benda nak dapat, mana tahu konsep syukur. Manja. Minta je dapat. Aku dulu payah betul nak dapat satu-satu barang. Keputusan baik baru berani minta. Kalau teruk memang tak berani nak minta. Takut nak hadap parents kalau result exam tak bagus. Yang muda sekarang ni senang je kan, result dahlah tak bagus mana, budi bahasa pun kelaut, macam tu pun minta je, mesti dapat, itu pun tak sedar diuntung. Penatlah pendam perasaan ni. Kang tak pasal-pasal kena label pendengki. Hmm. Sikit pun tak dengki. 

Tahlah patutnya makin besar makin menyenangkan. Tak faham kurang ajar macam itu pun disayang-sayang lagi. Ajarlah sikit. Kalau aku yang ajar memanglah tak jalan. Bukan aku pemberi. Aku pun penerima. Kau rasa penerima nak dengar kata si penerima yang lain? Kalau dengan pemberi pun boleh buat sewenangnya inikan yang sama pangkat? Geramnya ya Tuhan. Kenapa mesti hadir orang macam ni? Sedih rasa :( 

Kadang-kadang rasa tak nak ambil tahu langsung, bahagian aku jangan diusik, dah cukup. Tapi sebab kau tak fikir orang lain, bahagian orang lain turut terkesan, kau ada fikir pasal aku? Tak ada bukan? Kau ada rasa hormat? Pun tak ada. Kadang-kadang aku harap Tuhan seksa kau biar kau nampak pengorbanan orang-orang disekeliling kau. Jangan lupa tangan yang memberi. Malang sekali, kau buta. Hati kau mati. Kalau nanti satu hari nanti, Tuhan tarik pemberi-pemberi ini, kau pernah fikir macam mana kau akan hidup? Aku yakin sekali pun tak pernah. Malah kau rasa bebas jika mereka nyah dari sini. Kau fikir kau dah besar? Hmm.

Moga Tuhan beri kesedaran pada kau. 



Saturday, January 14, 2017

dear you

I suppose to finish up my dermatology case write up, but then suddenly your name popped up into my phone, making my mind started to play the movie starring with you and me. You looked so good beside me, dont you know that?

Hi love, i miss you.