My Pregnancy Journey So Far

My husband and I dated for 10 years before we finally tied the knot on my 28th birthday. I always thought getting pregnant is as easier as having sex. You have sex today and 9 months later pop! A baby! It was until I got married I knew that oh getting pregnant is not easy as you wish. If Allah says no, it isnt your time yet, hence no. No matter how frequent you done it, if He said no, then NO. 

It was December 2 years ago when we decided to go for fertility test. For me, they ran hormonal test and hysterosalphingography. As for my husband, seminal fluid analysis. The results turned to be normal but why cant we get pregnant? We started on fertility procedure in Jan 23. We had undergone timed sexual intercourse with clomid, gonadal F and also IUI. All ended up in failure. Dont ask me how many time I cried. 

Every single time when I got my menses.

I cried on my husband’s arms of course. He’s always there to comfort me. Never did we lose hope. We believed that it is not our time yet to become parents. Allah knows best. He will give us our little angel when the right time comes. We just need to keep praying and improving ourselves to become a better person for our little ones. 

We planned for 2nd IUI in December 23, but then I got permanent placement and transferred back to Semenanjung Malaysia. We thought like hmmm it’s ok maybe Allah has better plans for us. 

Interestingly, 1 week after I transferred to Semenanjung Malaysia, UPT positive! I was shocked. It was Sunday morning. Ive missed menses for 9 days, half of my heart said dont you ever dare to do UPT, what if it’s negative, your husband isnt here, who will comfort you then? The other half said just do it. I took a deep breath and just do it as the other part of the heart says. Anddddd it’s positive. Are you freaking serious?????? 

I still remember the moments perfectly. I video called my husband straight away, he just woke up from sleep. I showed the UPT. He was shocked too! I imagined if he’s with me that time, he would surely pull me into his arms. And I of course would shout for his name from the bathroom! Hahahaha. And he would wake up in shock. LOL. 

We were in disbelieve. Is it true? I did another urine pregnancy test in clinic and it was positive. I asked my friend to scan my abdomen, and pop! There’s a small intrauterine gestational sac. From my last menstrual period, I was just 5 weeks pregnant. No fetal pole seen yet. I printed the picture and again showed to my husband. It would be nice if he’s with me that time. Ahhhhh I hate distance! 

Truth be told, I was afraid. What if its a blighted ovum. But hey! I’m just 5 weeks pregnant remember? Relax. Take a deep breath. We wait another 2 weeks. While waiting just keep on praying that this is a viable pregnancy. I told myself. 

2 weeks had passed. 

I asked my senior to scan me, the sac was getting bigger but where is the baby? I couldnt see it! Where is the baby? It should be there! I’m 7 weeks pregnant now. It should be there. Again, I was terrified. What if my baby were never there at the first place? I tried to calm down, its ok maybe it’s too small that we couldnt see it yet. Its ok. Later, I contacted my other friend who works in private clinic that has a transvaginal scan machine. 

Later that afternoon, after work, I visited her clinic. She scanned me transvaginally. At first, we could not see the baby. I already cried, because I want this baby so much. We have been waiting for this baby for almost 3 years. The moment my friend push in the transvaginal probe further, we both saw a small fetus reside in the sac. Thats my baby!!! I cried again. But this time it was happy tears! I took a video for my husband. Again I thought it would be nice if my husband were here. Alhamdulliah ya Allah. Theres a baby finally in my tummy. Cant you believe that??? I’m pregnant! Finally! Alhamdulliah alhamdulliah alhamdulliah. Thank you Allah. 

The moment my pregnancy is confirmed to be viable, my morning sickness started. Hahahaha. I have food aversion. I craved for sweet things. At 7 am sharp I would feel nauseated and dizzy. I couldnt tolerate white rice, but I still take it in small amount. My mouth tasted funny. Most of the time, I vomitted back every single thing that I put down my throat. It was terrible experience hahaha. Luckily alhamdulliah, it lasted for only 1 trimester. 

As I entered 2nd trimester the morning sickness episodes gone. 

No more feeling nauseated, dizzy and vomitting. I did booking for antenatal follow up at 11 weeks. While waiting for the quickening (the earliest movement of baby) to be felt, I scanned myself once a week. Crazy isnt it? Hahahaha just to make sure my baby is safe. 

We went for detailed scan at 20w, few days before raya. Alhamdulliah our baby is growing well. The gender revealed! Its the baby that I keep on telling my husband to put inside me! Hahahaha alhamdulliah thank you Allah for this blessings.  2nd trimester is like honeymoon period! I can eat whatever I want. Alhamdulliah Allah gave me strength so that I can fast for the whole month of Ramadhan. My baby bump made it’s first appearance during raya! I look cute ok! Hahahaha. My breasts, tummy, hips and cheeks are growing well LOL. 

Alhamdulliah I’m currently in my 3rd trimester. Just 1 month+ left, we will then be seeing our baby inshallah. My husband is on the flight home. I’ll see him this evening inshallah. And tomorrow we’re gonna go for 5D scan. Hopefully our baby would show us her cute face! Yessssss we’re having baby girl! Alhamdulliah. 

At 3rd trimester, I’m now experiencing back pain, frequent urination, pubic symphysis diatesis, I feel hungry easily but I can only tolerate small meals if not I’d feel bloated haha. My baby is pushing my stomach! What else? Hmmmm I frequent pass wind also! Hahaha baby keep on pushing my gut makes mommy prott prottt. LOL. 

Inshallah 1 month+ left until we meet our baby girl.

Please pray for me. May Allah ease my labour process and the remaining of my pregnancy journey ameen inshallah. May our baby girl grow healthy, safe from any harm, sickness and evil eyes ameen inshallah. 

Back then when we were 4 years younger <3

Fast forward 4 years later, we’re gonna be mommy and daddy. 

See you in August H! 

Mommy and ayah love you :) 

A year without you

June 3rd 2023 was the day I lost my grandfather. 

It has been a year today. 

Many things had happened since then.

It still feels like yesterday I talked to him, hugged him, laughed with him, heard him talking about his childhood days, his career, the tough days during British and Japan colonisation and many more. He loved to talk. Like a lot. Most of the time, I just listened to his stories. 

Home feels different without him. 

I used to spend time in his room listen to his stories. A year has passed, I could still feel his presence. He has this chair that he used to sit, next to the dining table. I could still see him there, watching tv, smiling when we called his name. Sometimes our cat, Yulip would meowing, and climbed to sit on his lap. He would caressed him and Yulip continues meowing to get his full attention. 

A year has passed, never did we say “late grandpa” whenever we talk about him. We say grandpa as if he is still alive.

My grandpa routine started with waking up for fajr prayer before 6. He would spend his time to recite Holy Quran after each prayer. He had finished a whole Quran at least 3 times in a year. Breakfast in the morning with grandma. Watching tv next. Then got into his room. He usually did these few things: either sleeping, reading newspapers, reciting zikr; he did a lot, like a lot, gifts for his late mother and father, he told me he had recited 100 000 of 3 qul and 100 000 of other things for them. Other than that he would be doing some calculations; something to do with his saham koperasi sometimes zakat/assets. 

When it’s the time for prayer, he prayed. When it’s time for meal, he ate. Unlike my grandmother who is a picky eater, he would eat anything, never did he lose his appetite until his very last day in this dunya. The day Allah took him from us, he still ate his lunch. He loved black grapes, the one without seeds, yakult, orange juice from Twister, and ikan baung masak tempoyak. He loved baung masak tempoyak really much. He didnt mind to eat it for days. He would slurp the gravy till the very last drop. That’s how he loved baung masak tempoyak. 

I remember the time when he sent me and picked me up from school. I was a crybaby back then ha-ha, I would be crying every time he picked me up late from school. How could I not? I was the only one left outside the school compound while the rest of the pupils already went home. 20 years later, I’m still a crybaby-sometimes hahahaha. My husband called me so lol. Sometimes he would ride his bike, some other times he drove his old edition of volkswagen bettle which the other pupils would be laughing at me calling the car “kereta katak”. There were times I prayed to Allah please dont send the rain down today because I dont wanna go to school in that car! Hahahahaha. Youngsters…they just dont know how to appreciate the uniqueness of that classic car! Hahaha. I kind of miss that car now. My grandfather sold it for 11k years ago. 

A year has passed now. 

This morning my grandma asked me to put the old photos from different separate albums into one thick album. There were lots of pictures of you, grandpa. I think I like the grandpa version of you rather than the younger version of you hahahaha. You looked way cuter and cheekier in grandpa version. Your younger version makes you looked like a strict man, I dont like that! Hahahahaha. I’m glad I met the old version of you. I pray that we could see each other again in Jannah inshallah. 

Oh Allah, 

Please forgive my grandfather, raise his rank among those who are guided, expand his grave and take care of us which he leaves behind him. Ameen ameen inshallah. 

 

fast forward one year

It's been one year since I logged into this blog. 

One freaking whole year. 

Many things had happened to me in 2023. 

1. I changed my career pathway. 

From Obgyn to Family Medicine. I feel a lot better in primary care setting. Work life balance. More time for myself and family. Less stressful environment. I was at my worst when I was in Obgyn. But when I looked back, I did learnt a lot in that department, thus when I came to primary care setting, I have no problem dealing with obgyn cases. It's just like blessings in a disguise? Isnt it? 

What made me quit the pathway? The people and the environment of course. I don't want to elaborate more on that. Those in medical fraternity knows i think ha-ha. I'm doing well in Klinik Kesihatan alhamdulliah. 

I sat on MedEx an pre-entrance for specialization in Family Medicine in Nov 2023 and passed. I was called for interview for master programme in Family Medicine in Jan 2024. Initially I didnt manage to secure the place. However, last Sunday I received a called from HOD Family Medicine UKM asking whether I would like to join master programme in UKM starting in June 3rd which is next month, which for some reasons I requested to defer for one semester. Unfortunately, they wanted an immediate intake. So I guess I dont get it. 

He then offered me a position as a trainee lecturer in UKM but of course I need to thru the interview sessions and all, and if I passed the interview session, I will start my master programme next year inshallah in June 2025. I think this is one of the way Allah wants to tell me there is other way to become a Family Medicine Specialist. Who knows I can get this one. Now it's the waiting game. Waiting to be called for interview. If no news within this 4 months, means sorryyy you didnt get the job. Try again another time. 

2. I lost my beloved grandfather

It was Saturday night, 3rd of June 2023. My mother, my husband and I were doing laundry when I received the call. We were just coming back from Brunei Trip (road trip from Kuching to Brunei; to and forth). I was shocked. I wailed in tears. The sad thing is my grandfather died alone in the hospital bed. There was no one accompanied him that time. According to my sister and my grandmother, he was well the evening they saw him. He can eat. He can talk. He wasnt on oxygen supplements. He was totally fine. He was in the last cubicle which means in few more days he could go back already. No one knows that it was the last time we could see him in this dunya. 

On that night, Saturday, 3rd of June 2023, he suddenly collapsed. Asystole. The heart stopped beating. CPR was commenced. No ROSC (return of spontaneous circulation). Allah loves him more than all of us. He succumbed to death at 1036 pm. Imagine CPR was done on that fragile body. We never discussed on the DNL/DNR part (Death in Line/ Do not Resus) with the attending doctors because he was totally fine. Yeahhhh I know if he was totally fine he would not be admitted to the hospital. He was fine fine for a patient. If you looked at other patients, they were wayyyyyy sicker than him. 

I was in the laundry when I received the news. It was unbelievable. My grandfather is gone. He's gone. My beloved and funny grandfather is dead. I just cant believe it. We were still in Kuching. We needed to find the earliest flight to Johor. Alhamdulliah, there was still empty seats in the 6 am flight. Alhamdulliah Allah made the path easier for us, we able to reach home before funeral. 

I got the chance to see him for the last time. I can still remember the moment when I set my foot at home, I saw a dead body at the center of the living room. It was my lovely grandfather. He was covered in white. His face was pale. He smiled. I kissed him for the last time. I missed you so much Atuk. My last conversation with him was during Raya 2023. That was a month and half before his death. We talked about my career pathway, my dreams, his dreams to see me pregnant and having kids and many more. I was closed to him. He loved to tell me about his childhood, his early days as an adult, a father, a grandfather and many more. Allah gave me 30 years of life with him. This is the first year without him. I missed him a lot. 

Sometimes I went to visit his grave. I talked to him not sure whether he can hear it or not. I told him all the things that he had missed. I told him how much I miss our time together, how things had changed now. I wish I could turn back time and called him often. May we see each other again in Jannah inshallah. 

3. I got permanent post and transferred back to Semenanjung Malaysia 

I thought I will remain as contract medical doctor until the day my contract will be terminated. If my grandfather were here he would be happy that I finally got the permanent position. Alhamdulliah. Currently, I'm in Klinik Kesihatan in Johor, staying with my family, while my husband is still in Kuching. Probably by end of this year inshallah he would go back home for good, joining headquarters Politeknik in Putrajaya. Still PJJ but at least we're not separated by South China Sea :) 

This is also one of the reasons why I applied for the trainee lecturer position in UKM, so that I can be with my husband. I dont want to be in a LDR when he's finally here in Peninsular Malaysia of course. Wherever he goes, I'll follow. Of course I wanna be with my husband all the times. I'm a clingy wifey ha-ha. 

4. I'm pregnant 

Alhamdulliah, I'm pregnant. Can't you believe that? Remember my last post in this blog last year Jan, I prayed for a little angel. We have undergone several fertility procedures to get pregnant. Clomid induced, gonadal F induced, timed sexual intercourse, IUI, all ended up as failures. We were thinking of having a second IUI in Dec 2023 after 6 months of rest. Allah knows best. I was transferred back to Johor. LDR. How can we get pregnant if we're not living together? It would be difficult. We thought of IVF. But how to do it we're in a LDR. 

As I said, Allah knows best. 

A week after I settled down in Semenanjung, for the first time in my life, positive UPT. I was over the moon. My husband was over the moon. Everyone were happy. We have been waiting this baby for almost 3 years. Our first child. Alhamdulliah alhamdulliah alhamdulliah. What more can we say? 

I'm now 6 months pregnant, entering 3rd trimester soon. My due date will be in August 2024. 

I have experienced the morning sickness, the stretch marks, the indigestion, soon I will be experiencing the penguin walk ha-ha. Is it baby boy or baby girl? Alhamdulliah it's the baby that I keep on telling my husband over and over to put inside my belly! Ha-ha. We're having a....(secret) lol. Wait till the day baby is born. Alhamdulliah for all these blessings Ya Allah. 

Surely, He gives me the things that I want, not at the moment I want them so much, but at the time He thinks is the exact moment for me. Like this baby. After we had gone fort honeymoon, family trip to overseas with my family and his family, when we both already got the permanent position, when I already returned to Semenanjung for good so that I have family support from both sides of families, when I already in Klinik Kesihatan, less stressful environment, more time with family, of course having work life balance now, when we already went to visit many places, jalan-jalan husband and wife. Allah knows when its the right time for me. Thus He granted us the baby at the appropriate time, the suitable time for us. Alhamdulliah. 

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If I were to sum up all the things happened in 2023, it was filled with ups and downs. Like I said many things had happened to me in 2023. I have become a mature young lady, soon to be a mother, I appreciate more the things I have in my hands now, I worry less and leave everything to Allah because He knows best, I believe all my prayers will be answered, it's just a matter of time, whether now or later, or He would replace it with something even better. 

If my grandfather were here, he would be so happy that he will finally able to embrace his first great grandchild. How I wish you were here Atuk. I miss you :( No one can replace you. I will always cherish our moments together and I will tell my future kids about you from time to time. I pray that we can see each other back in Jannah. Inshallah. 

Love,

Ayuz :) 

little angel

 I pray this year Allah will grant us both a little angel that we've been longing since a year ago. 

Ameen. 

fast forward 8 months

Up to yesterday, 500 days had passed since the first MCO was implemented. 

Never had I imagined, the MCO would still be ongoing up to these days. It should have been ended months back. 

Yet, COVID-19 cases keep on rising each day, exceeding 1 millions cases from late July. We all know who's the culprit behind this. If only Sabah state election were not happened, I would probably enjoying my holiday somewhere in one of the spectacular islands in Borneo with my husband right now. 

Fast forward 8 months, 

I have become a wife, to the love of my life after 10 years of dating, on my 28th birthday early this year. People do asked me the question, what it feels like marrying someone I have been knowing since my teenage years? Well, i can say it feels like home :> He makes me feel like home. I can feel the comfort, the warmth and tender of his love and affections. Praise be to Allah for this gift. 

I'm grateful that we managed to hold our wedding ceremony a month after we tied the knot, a month later a nationwide full lockdown was commenced.

As for me this total lockdown is a total failure, you see we are far from 4000 cases, let alone 0 cases. Many had loses their jobs, unable to put food on the table, a lot had loses their loved ones, young wives lost their husbands in the fight, a husband that is the only bread winner leaving them penniless, struggles to raise the kids, some goes into depressive state, to a worst case scenario committed suicide, countless children had become orphaned, clueless of their future. If only "they" close down the great contributor to this mess, the factories. This is what happen when the one with power cares only the sustenance of their position, their eyes sees nothing but greed for power, money and lust, even as the one below the chain lives in devastation and despair. 

There is no freedom of speech in the country. 

Our voices will never be heard. 

The question is how long do we need to keep up with this MCO thingy? People dying everyday. The curve isnt going to flatten in near future, are we only depending on the vaccination programme alone? This MCO is certainly not effective at all. 

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I have finished my housemanship training in July. I'm now a medical officer working in covid wards with 12 hours shift and 1 day off per week. To be honest, it's tiring. As the number of cases rise, we need more beds to cater all the patients. More than half of the wards in the hospital have been converted to covid wards. I see people suffer everyday, people gasping for air to live, I see their last breath, we couldnt save them from death. 

I find it hard explaining to their family members the patient's condition especially those who are unstable, in critical state where death is waiting at the door. The one that look stable the day before, or even in the morning, walking forth and back to the toilet, around the ward, with good oxygenation, asymptomatic upon admission, suddenly collapsed, intubated and the next thing you know, he's gone, to the eternal land. 

A month in covid ward. 

One day, I started to develop cough and sore throat. I had an unusual feeling, the feeling gets stronger the night I had a high grade fever of 39.2 degree celcius and the next night where I started to have anosmia, I smell nothing. I knew this isnt just a common cold. So, I went for swab and as expected I was tested positive for Covid-19. The moment I knew this news, I cried, a lot. I was afraid, I had seen worse. I called my mother to inform the bad news, she wailed in tears, so I am. I started to overthink, I told my husband if I get admitted and the condition gets worse, I would choose for intubation as the prognosis is good for young people. He gave me a silent gaze. 

What I afraid most came to reality, on 27th July the whole family confirmed positive for Covid-19. Thank God my grandparents are protected from this illness. Many of my colleagues too tested positive for Covid-19. Even so, the day after we completed quarantine, we will continue serving the nation in covid wards, and "they" still denies for us the permanent post. Irony isnt it? 

Today, I'm on my eleventh day of illness (from swab on 23rd July). Alhamdulliah I'm getting better. I have gotten back the sense of smell. I'm back to my usual self. I can cook for the family, had finished my second painting, reading books, watching my favorite shows, I'm planning on finishing all the books I'd bought before buying the new ones, those recommended books on Tiktok. I have 10+ more days of quarantine, as I was told by the PKD in charge, I have to follow the date of the last positive person in the house which is my husband. 

My grandparents are going for their second swab tomorrow, hopefully this too will turn out negative, just please, they're too old for this, their body are fragile, they couldnt withstand the pain. Inshallah, negative test for both of them. 

Please pray for our recovery. 

I miss seeing my grandparents, and my cats too especially Yulip.

I told my husband this around bedtime, when this pandemic ends, let's go for honeymoon :>

World's greatest gift

I wonder how it feels like waking up in the morning knowing that the one your lovewhere not around anymore. Throughout my lifetime, I never face any lost in the family. When most of my friends had lost their grandparents, mine still around. Grandma is 82 years old now, while grandpa is 87. They were both 56 & 61 each when they had me. Theyre like my second parents. I am my parents' first born. I was a difficult baby. I cried a lot, like 24/7. No caregivers would dare to accept a cranky baby. They need to go to work, they had hard time to handle me, that was when my grandparents offered hands to help. Since then, I live with them till now. I was 8 when my parents decided to move nearby my grandparents house, they moved in a year later after my father get involved in motor vehicle accident and broke his leg. 

I get used to this environment since the last 8 month after I graduated from medschool, waking up seeing grandma reciting quran in front of tv, while tv played morning news, we then started making breakfast, running errands, visiting relatives together, cook for lunch, talk about everything, cuddling and kissing them. Imagine wake up in the morning knowing all this things were no longer exist. I cannot imagine that. I still remember when I was 7, I wrote a letter to grandma and grandpa each, telling how much they meant to me, thank you for raising me, and begging them to stay with me forever. 

Today I told grandpa, I'm afraid I cant accept their lost once it happens. What if I become too sad till I fall into depression, I cant go to work, I turned everything off,I pushed  everyone away, and just live in my own circle. Grandpa told me, 

"Whatever it is, whatever it takes you have to accept it. You cant change it. Every soul shall taste death. Even if I want Allah to delay it, I cant, it is already destined. You can cry, but dont too much afraid you will fall into misery. Ask Allah for strength.Inshallah we will all be seeing each other in the heaven" 

I felt like crying. Few days before grandma went to Mecca for umrah, she asked me, 

"What will happen to you when I'm gone?"

I lost for words. Cried in silent. She then added, 

"When my time comes and Allah takes me, take care of yourself. I can no longer look after you. Do good and be good" 

Tears rolled down my cheeks. I was hugging her tightly scared of losing her when we had this conversation. 

Alhamdulliah at the age of 26, I still have them around, they had witnessed my oath taking ceremony as a medical doctor the day I graduated from medschool. It stroke my heart when grandpa told me he prayed hard to Allah to give him chance to see me graduating from medschool. Nowhe ask for another chance to witness the day I get married and having kids. 

Even when theyre not around, I would never fail to tell my kids stories about their great- grandparents. Theyre the world's greatest gift. I would never trade them for anything else in this world. 

Grandpa is the best relationship advisor ever! He taught me many things about marriage thingy. Same goes to grandma. Ahhhhhh i love my grandparents so much. In fact, I adore them. Even after 61 years,theyre still being silly towards each other. 

Halmeoni

At this age, I am grateful for still having grandparents. Both of them are over 80 years old. They have been married for 59 years. Inshallah tahun depan 60th anniversary. Jubli intan kata atuk. I've never seen couples yang dah lama macam ni. Nilah baru relationship goals/iship or whatever ship you call it lol. They're not as strong as they used to be. Nenek paling ketara. She's so weak now. I was home a couple of weeks ago. I felt lonely at home. Mak kerja, adik kerja, adik lagi satu dah sambung belajar (kalau dia ada pun still rasa macam takde), abah kebun. Nenek used to cook breakfast and lunch for us. Lepas breakfast, she'll surely ask me to bring her buying groceries. Nenek ramai kawan. Pantang jumpa kawan tak kisahlah kat kenduri kawin ke, kedai ke, pasar ke, ya tohan berjam (hiperbola) tunggu nak habis berbual. 

Okay yang ni kelakar. Kalau mak/adik/aku takde, atuk yang bawa nenek pergi kedai. Alhamdulliah at the age of 85, atuk can still drive. Adalah satu hari tu, atuk cerita dekat adik waktu tengah makan,

"Punyalah lama atuk tunggu nenek beli barang tak siap-siap. Ingat banyak sangat barang yang dia beli, rupanya sibuk berbual dengan kawan. Lama atuk tunggu"

For sure nenek ada kat situ masa atuk cerita and guess what, nenek merajuk! Berkatalah nenek pada atuk,

"Hmm esok awak jelah pergi kedai, saya tak pergi"

Hahahahaha comel je merajuk-merajuk macam ni even dah tua. Mestilah kena pujuk kan, kalau tak kenalah atuk beli barang dapur sendiri lol. 

Yes, my grandma is so cute. I love talking about nenek & atuk. I started to appreciate them more bila dah jauh ke Kuantan. To be frank, I never know what it feels like to lost someone you love cause I've never been there. I cannot imagine one day, waking up in the morning knowing that my life isn't as what it used to be. 

I felt lonely now at home sebab nenek banyak habiskan masa baring kat bilik. She couldn't stand for long time, afraid she'll stumble and fall. Her weight reduced up to 38kg. Keding sangat, bontot pun tinggal tulang je. Nenek dari dulu lagi makan tak berselera sangat. Atuk selera besar tapi dokter suruh kurangkan makanan berlemak & santan sebab cholesterol tinggi. Alhamdulliah atuk ni ikut nasihat dokter, dah within normal range dah the cholesterol level tu. We always marah nenek makan sikit sangat. Ciput sangat. Risau lah kan. Sekarang kalau teringin nak makan apa-apa, kena belajar buat sendiri. Nenek tak larat dah nak masak berdiri lama sangat kat dapur tu. 

Cuti haritu, for the first time I made pengat pisang, jemput-jemput. Memanglah simple je kan, tapi remember every family ada resepi turun-temurun (eceh). Dah 24 tahun makan masakan nenek, of course dah ada attachment kat situ. Sadly takde sorang pun anak nenek yang boleh masak macam nenek. I mean the taste is wayyyy different. Bukanlah tak sedap. Tapi bila makan tu, mestilah nak compare. Tak pekatlah, kurang rasa bla bla bla. Even my mom learns from Google hmm. So I think dah tiba masanya untuk belajar masak and adakan buku resepi rahsia masakan nenek. Imagine one day nenek dah takde, mana nak dapat rasa yang sama :( 

Bila dah besar ni baru tahu nak appreciate orang yang besarkan kita. I love to lie beside atuk & nenek. Peluk kuat-kuat and flashback. Kalau peluk atuk,suka cakap, 

"Besarlah perut atuk"

Pastu tepuk-tepuk, nanti atuk cakap

"Meletup nanti perut atuk"

There is midline abdominal surgical scars. 2 kali operate. Yang first tu tak ingat, second for peritonitis secondary to perforated peptic ulcer. Atuk ada osteoarthritis, makan NSAIDs dah lama. Hmm tapi macam pernah terbaca medical record atuk ada adhesion colic. Tak ingatlah. 

Kalau peluk nenek, suka cakap,

"Nekkkk kurus sangatlah tinggal tulang je"

Yang sedihnya bila nenek jawab itu hari,

"Nanti nenek dah takde jangan gaduh sesama adik-beradik"
"Macam manalah nanti kalau nenek takde"

Nenek tak pernah cakap macam tu. First time. I felt worried gila namateyyyy. Atuk selalu cakap. Bila tepuk-tepuk perut dia nanti atuk cakap, 

"Atuk dah nak mati. Kawan-kawan atuk semua dah tak ada" 

Hmmmmmm.

I know mati itu pasti. But I'm not ready for any lost. Siapa je yang ready kan? Just need to face it. Throwback ke ramadhan lepas. Lepas buka, lepak jap tengok cerita favorite semorang kat rumah sepanjang ramadhan haritu "Seharum Mawar". Hmm kalau tanya abah pun dia boleh cerita jalan cerita from A-Z. Serius. Semua orang tengok okay. Masatu makcu ada kat rumah dengan anak suami dia. Anak dia yang last omg takboleh makcu hilang dari pandangan nak nangis je kerja. Sikit-sikit nak nangis macam eii boleh diam tak? 

So, anak dia nangis. Aku pun apa lagi,

"Eiii asyik nangis je Ira ni. Bisinglahhhh"

Dan mereka semua mula throwback zaman aku kecik-kecik dulu. 

"Samalah kau dulu masa kecik, takleh jauh sikit dengan nenek, 3 kali panggil tak nyahut, melalak" 

Eh, kita pulak kena? Hahahaha. Nenek senyum je masa cerita tu. Tambah nenek lagi,

"Ingat masa kau berapa tahun tah, melalak dekat Giant cari nenek tak jumpa"

Hmmm tak ingatttt pun nekkkkkk. Tu belum lagi cerita aku melalak kalau lambat amik balik sekolah. Walaupun nenek tak pernah cakap, aku selalu rasa aku ada special connection dengan nenek. Yelah daripada kecik kot tinggal sekali. I can tell you for hours about nenek & atuk and I will never get tired. 

Tak semua orang dapat nikmat grandparents yang baik. Ada atuk sanggup makan cucu sendiri. Ada nenek tak mengaku cucu. Jadi, nikmat mana lagi yang kau dustakan? 

One day when I read this post, I'll surely miss nenek so much and she might not be there to hug :( Let this post be a reminder that I should be thankful to God for having them as my grandparents. 

Nanti-nanti:)

momma

I hope for every pain that mom endure for me, for every sacrifice she made for me, for every ringgit she wasted for me, for every sweats, for  every sleepless night worrying about me, for everything, may Allah grants her the highest place in heaven.

I love you mom.

Love, 

Your first born.

i know its kinda late, but happy birthday

Last week was my grandpa's 84th birthday. For the first time ever, I did give him a birthday present, and it really touched his heart. Seriously, I was moved from the way he conveyed thank you to me. As I am away from home, I decided to buy an online present from my favorite online shop, Zalora. I don't have much money, so I picked the coolest and the cheapest one. I ordered it on Saturday, shipped on Sunday and hurray safely delivered at home on Monday. 

All this time, grandpa is the one that pick up our parcels every time the postman come. So this time, I put his name as the recipient so that he would be surprised and happy I guess. At the same time, I was worried he would find out the price of the gift. Gladly, my sister was the one to pick up the box, phew. 

It was Monday morning when the parcel arrived. He was at the market, buying some groceries with grandma. During lunch hour (my sister is now doing internship), she went home for meal, and that was the time she presented grandpa the gift. 

Grandpa was sleeping soundly when she did enter his room. Waking him up with excitement,

"Atuk, bangun. Ni ada barang untuk atuk"

"Siapa bagi ni?" he asked curiously, opened it quickly. My sister directly took the invoice right away avoiding him from seeing it. Trust me, it was a really cheap wallet but has the highest sentimental value of course, cause he did received it from the coolest and loveliest granddaughter ever :p 

Upon seeing the coolest wallet ever, he then took out his old wallet from the wardrobe, took out all the money and cards, transferred them all into the new wallet he just got for his birthday. He looked so happy, my sister said. Upon receiving the news, I called him.

"Atuk! Dah dapat dah hadiah"

"Dah, terima kasih banyak-banyak. Susah-susah je nanti duit belanja tak cukup"

"Mana adalah tuk, bila yang murah je. Atuk selamat hari jadi yang ke 84"

"Terima kasih, susah-susah je"

"Atuk suka takkkk tuk?"

"Mestilahh atuk suka. Lagipun beg duit atuk dah koyak dahh"

"Memanglahh daripada kite tadika lagi atuk pakai beg duit yang sama. Pakai tau tukk jangan tak pakaii"

"Atuk dah letak dah semua duit & kad atuk dalam beg duit yang kau bagi ni. Terima kasih banyak-banyak. Belajar elok-elok"

"Doakan tau tuk"

"Atuk sentiasa doakan cucu-cucu atuk" 

Okay nak nangis dengar. Sure, little thing means a lot. Price doesnt matter, but the remembrance. Orang yang dah biasa susah, selagi boleh pakai selagi tulah dia pakai. The wallet has already worn out. Imagine, using the same wallet for more than 13 years. Knowing how happy he was, how moved he was, I was touched. I never thought a small gift would make him happy. Yes he is. I should be grateful at the age of 23, I still have my grandparents, while some did never seen theirs since young. 2 years from now, he would celebrate his 60th year wedding anniversary and inshallah, I would finish my medical school. He would love to celebrate this two meaningful events with our big family, provided that both of them are still alive. Long live grandpa & grandma. 

I wonder if I can live long enough as them. 84 and still strong. Sure he needs to take medications everyday for his hypertension, CKD Stage 3 and IHD NYHA class 2 but comparing to the patients I encounter in the ward, he looks much younger and stronger than them. There were times he looked depressed as he couldnt walk for 6 months due to the effect of general anaesthesia after a long operation he had when I was 17. But he recovered. I would like to talk about his strong will later. 

Nanti-nanti :) 

Harabuhji

Semalam waktu tengah berjalan kaki ke hospital dengan Anis, dalam deretan kereta yang tersusun, ada satu kereta Volkswagen Beetle lama, warna kelabu. Aku rasa kereta tu sangatlah menarik perhatian Anis. Anis kata,

"Aku teringin nak ada satu kereta tu"

"Oh aku ada satu dekat rumah"

"Yeke? Cantik"

"Kereta atuk aku"

Perbualan seterusnya mengenai atuk dan kereta.

Waktu awal kahwin dulu, atuk cuma ada basikal. Daripada basikal upgrade ke motorsikal. Sweet jugalah bila bayangkan atuk dengan nenek bersama ke sana ke mari dengan basikal/motor. Lepastu fikir balik kesian atuk kena kayuh kot kot nenek berat ke. Kah! Kalau terpaksa jalan jauh tu, naiklah kenderaan awam macam bas ke teksi ke. 

Anak dah masuk 3 pun (mak aku), masih dengan motorsikal. Mengikut cerita atuk, satu hari mak minta atuk kereta. Waktu tu mak kecil lagi dalam usia budak-budak sekolah rendah.

"Abah, adik nak kereta"

Lalu atuk pun belikanlah mak kereta mainan.

"Abah, adik nak kereta betul bukan kereta mainan"

Aku taktaulah betul ke takkan cerita atuk ni (haha) tapi mungkin selepas fikir masak-masak tentang keluarga yang makin lama makin besar atuk pun buat keputusan untuk beli sebuah kereta. Masatu kereta murah je. Barang murah, tapi duit tak banyak. Atuk beli Volkswagen Beetle second hand dengan harga yang bagi aku murahlah nak dibandingkan dengan sekarang (dalam RM5k tak silap aku). Tapi zaman tu RM5k besar. Ke lagi murah tah, eii lupa! 

Maka bergembiralah emak dapat kereta takyah naik motor lagi pergi sekolah yay! 

Sekarang kereta tu dah nak masuk 40 tahun. Ada lagi dekat rumah. Tak guna sangat sebab atuk dah ada kereta lain. Sekarang guna untuk ke kebun saja oleh abah. Ada je orang datang rumah dengan RM30k (cash) nak beli kereta tu. Tapi atuk taknak, for sentimental reason. 

Aku tinggal dengan atuk dari aku merah lagi. Sampailah sekarang. Jadi senang kata aku membesar dengan kereta tulah. Itulah kereta yang atuk guna untuk hantar aku ke sekolah bila hujan. Aku benci gila hujan. Kalau boleh nak hari-hari panas. Sebab apa? Sebab kalau hari hujan terpaksalah naik kereta ke sekolah lepastu kena ejek dengan kawan sebab naik kereta katak. Sobs :(

"Atuk, tadikan dekat sekolah kawan ejek naik kereta katak :("

"Alah biarlah kawan tu, yang ejek tu pun belum tentu ada kereta, entah naik motor je"

Memang pun. Dahlah naik motor buruk pastu payung lubang-lubang sukati je ejek aku (statement jahat gila babi) 

Tolonglah ya Tuhan jangan turunkan hujan harini (doa aku hari-hari)

Tapi sekarang aku antara orang yang sebolehnya taknak kereta tu dijual mahupun diserahkan kepada cucu-cucu atau anak yang lain. Dalam kepala aku, nanti-nanti bila dah kerja, dah ada duit aku nak modify kereta tu sampai cantik. Kereta dah lamakan takboleh jalan jauh. Yang bestnya tak makan minyak. Tapi itulah nak cari barang sparepart tu susah sebab kereta lama. 

Okay rindu atuk :(

Sekarang atuk dah 84 tahun. 

Teringat masa kecil-kecil dulu berebut nak tidur sebelah nenek dengan atuk. Nenek hari-hari tidur bawah, temankan aku, jadi tidurlah atuk sorang-sorang di atas. Teringat bila bangun tidur (waktu kecil dulu umur dalam 4/5 tahun), nenek sapu rambut dengan minyak zaitun, buat simpulan bun. Aku pun panjat ke katil nak bermanja dengan atuk. Paling geli bila atuk letak tangan aku ke misai dan jambang yang baru lepas cukur. Rindunya zaman dulu. Lepas nenek siap simpul bun, aku minta nenek piggyback ke dapur. Kesian nenek tak larat cucu berat benor.

Ke dapur, sarapan sama-sama. Tak lama lepastu, atuk keluar beli barang dapur. Tiap kali atuk keluar beli barang dapur, atuk tak pernah lupa untuk beli gula-gula. Sekarang atuk dah tak kuat sangat, bila cuti, aku yang gantikan tempat atuk. Eii sedihnya bila flashback ni. Rasa nak terbang balik rumah sekarang juga nak peluk atuk & nenek kuat-kuat.

Akulah yang paling dekat sekali dengan atuk&nenek. Memang akulah cucu paling disayangi (kah!). Walaupun atuk &nenek kata sayang semua sama rata, aku tahu akulah yang paling mereka sayang. Confident level bapak tinggi gila. Haha. 

"Agaknya bila kau konvo nanti atuk ada lagi ke tak ya?"

"Agaknya nanti bila kau kahwin, dapat tak atuk tengok?"

(K sedih dengar)

Mestilah boleh tuk! Atuk ada lagi 16 tahun untuk hidup. 

Atuk cerita ada dokter yang rawat atuk cakap,

"Jangan risau pakcik, pakcik boleh hidup sampai 100 tahun"

Walaupun tahu itu tak benar, tapi dia buat atuk rasa gembira. 

"Nanti dah jadi dokter, jadi dokter yang baik. Layan pesakit baik-baik. Cakap elok-elok dengan orang tua. Jaga bahasa, jaga adab. Selalu senyum walaupun penat"

Sedihlahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh nak balik nak peluk cium atuk :(

Nanti-nanti.

:)

I Don't Want To Grow Old

Aku baru habis exam petang ni. Malam dah habis exam ni payah beno nak tidur. Kalau malam exam tu ya tohan baru baca sikit dah rasa tidur lebih enak. Gembira MCQ tak banyak keluar soalan clinical, sebab yelah aku ni basic medical sciences punya pun aku tak sempat habis baca inikan lagi nak sentuh clinical. Antara 5 papers yang ada paling uhmm sekali mestilah essay dengan short notes.

Tiap block sususan exam dia macam ni,

First day- Essay & Short Notes

Second day- OSPE 

Third day- PBQ & MCQ

First daylah paling cuak. Lepas je first day rasa ringan sikit. Tapi lepas OSPE je mesti rasa stress balik. Lepastu kena pulun untuk pbq & mcq. Mcq paling susah sebenarnya tapi sebab dia paling last so susah tak susah paper lastkan mestilah gembira gila exam dah habis. Dah tak fikir dah susah ke idok. 

Habis exam tadi tau-tau je rupanya harini atuk undergo surgery. Masa aku form 5 dulu atuk ada underwent surgery ada problem dekat usus dia. Atuk aku ni memang suka makan. Tak jaga makan. Main makan je apa yang dia suka so end up jahitan tu terbuka balik. So kadang dia sakit perutlah lepas makan muntah-muntahlah. Semalam paling teruklah. Tu yang mak bawak dia ke hospital pagi tadi. Yang pada mulanya sebelum ni dokter cuma bagi pain killer je sebab atuk dah 85 tahun. Tendency nak ada post surgical complication tu tinggi ah. Tapi yang kali ni punya memang emergency case punya ah. Aku syak peritonitis. Pastu ada herniation dekat perut tu sebab stitch dia dah terbuka. Pagi datang check petang terus operate. Sekarang atuk dekat ICU. Abah kata dah okay.

Aku tahu lepas exam tadi. Makcik aku yang rumahnya dekat dengan tempat aku belajar ni pun dah balik kampung tanpa pengetahuan aku. Macam biasa semua orang suka tak nak bagitahu aku berita sedih macam ni. Aku rasa nenek dah kenal sangat aku ni. Aku ni kalau dah risau memang keje nak terfikir je. Lagipun aku tengah exam tu yang nenek tak bagi orang lain bagitahu aku. Masa aku form 5 dulu pun sama. Tau pun daripada adik aku. Meleleh kot cakap dekat telefon menangis-nangis risaukan atuk.

Haritu aku dapat tahu nenek aku makin kurus, dengan retak tulang belakangnya dekat bahagian L4 sebab jatuh, dengan makin uzurnya, lepastu asyik takde selera makan. terus aku call nenek. Cakap dekat nenek makanlah nek takde selera pun kena makan. Tapi sebenarnya nenek memang daripada dulu pun takde selera makan.

Ah makin kita besar makin kita sibuk nak kejar cita-cita kita, orang tua kita pun makin tua :(

Nenek cakap takyah risau pasal atuk. Duduk sana belajar betul-betul. Meleleh rasa. Aku taktahulah kenapa hati aku ni tissue sangat kalau dengan nenek. Mungkin sebab nenek jaga aku dari aku masih merah lagi kot. 

Aku minta Tuhan panjangkan umur semua ahli keluarga aku dan juga kurniakan kebahagiaan dan kesenangan dalam tiap benda yang dibuat. Dan moga Tuhan permudahkan urusan aku untuk berjaya pastu bagi kebahagiaan dekat mereka semua.

Ameen.

Nanti-nanti :)

Happy 23rd Anniversary

Selamat ulang tahun perkahwinan yang ke 23 mak & abah.
Kalau Tuhan tak pertemukan abah & mak tak terlahirkan saya ke dunia ini. Semoga Tuhan curahkan lebih banyak kasih sayang pada mak & abah. Semoga mak & abah sentiasa bahagia sampai bila-bila.

Dan semoga Tuhan permudahkan urusan saya untuk beri mak & abah menantu dan juga cucu.
Hihihihihihi.

Ommonim

Harini bangun pagi dengan tanda tanya kenapa pagi-pagi buta dapur dah berasap? Ada nak pergi mana-mana ke harini? Mana tahu tetiba nak pergi piknik ke.

Lama juga proses baru teringat harini hari Ahad, hari bekerja dekat Johor. Sebab tu pagi-pagi buta mak dah masak untuk tengah hari nanti. Nanti tengah hari tinggal panaskan lauk je. Sejak nenek buang cataract haritu, nenek dah tak masak dah. Masak pun jenis makanan yang ringan-ringan je. Yang sambal-sambal ni semua mak. Sebelum pergi kerja mak masak. Tengah hari tinggal makan je.

Suka tengok mak sekarang.

Kalau dulu mak banyak bergantung pada nenek. Baju kerja mak, baju raya mak semua nenek yang tolong jahitkan. Mak beli kain je. Tapi sekarang mak dah pandai jahit baju sendiri. Berapa tahun lepas mak pergi kelas menjahit. Sejak haritu mak dah tak minta nenek jahitkan lagi. Mak dah boleh buat sendiri. Tak pun hantar kedai je. Yang penting tak susahkan nenek.

Dulu jarang nampak mak baca kitab (baca:Quran). Baca pun terangkak-rangkak. Tapi sejak mak balik haji dulu, mak dah rajin baca kitab walaupun terangkak-rangkak tiap malam lepas solat maghrib mesti mak baca. Mak pun dah pergi kelas tajwid. Mak kata cikgu dia walaupun dah tua mata masih tajam. Berkat selalu baca kitab agaknya. Mak cakap sekarang ni masa muda rajin-rajinkanlah baca kitab. Sikit pun takpe janji baca. Jangan dah tua baru nak baca.

Sampai sekarang pun aku masih tak habis khatam kitab yang kononya nak habiskan masa bulan puasa tahun 2012. Dah 3 tahun masih tak habis satu kitab. Takpe sikit-sikit.

Dulu masa kecil dulu aku suka panggil mak singa betina sebab dia garang sangat. Salah sikit kena rotan, kena piat telinga, kena hanger. Mungkin tu memang cara mak didik anak-anak dia. Kalau tak sekarang ni mungkin aku tak berada dekat tempat aku ada sekarang. Terima kasih mak. Ada rezeki lagi 3 tahun dapatlah tengok kita jadi dokter :)

Mak kita mungkin berlainan dari mak orang lain. Macam mana pun mak kita, kita kena terima dia macam mana dia boleh terima kita yang nakal ni, yang selalu rasa diri kita je betul, yang mak tak pernah faham apa yang kita nak. Duit berjuta-juta pun tak dapat beli mak. Mak cuma satu je. Orang kata kita akan faham perasaan seorang mak bila kita dah ada anak nanti.

Nanti-nanti.